


Catch Me When I Fall

by a1_kitkat



Category: Westlife
Genre: Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, Hurt Nicky, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mark Loves Nicky, Nicky loves Shane, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Shane Loves Nicky, Shnicky - Freeform, Slash, Vulnerable!Nicky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-12 11:52:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 46,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3332495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Shane hurts Nicky, the blonde seeks comfort in Mark's arms...<br/>But will he forgive Shane or make a new life for himself with Mark?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Nicky placed his keys in his pocket and climbed out of his car. He closed the door and quickly made his way up the front path to the front door of Shane's house. He knocked three times then stood back, waiting for Shane to come open the door. After several minutes passed, he knocked again. The door finally opened and he was greeted by a very dis-shelved Shane.  
"Nicky!" The brunette exclaimed before throwing his arms around the blonde.  
"Shane?" Nicky replied, briefly returning the embrace and masking his shock at Shane's apparent drunkenness. "I got here as soon as I could. What happened? You sounded awful on the phone"

Shane draped his arm around Nicky's neck and ushered his friend inside the house. He led him straight into the Living room and pushed him down onto the couch. Nicky spotted an open bottle of vodka on the table beside the couch.   
"Shane?" Nicky tried again. "What happened?"  
"I got dumped" Shane slurred as he climbed into Nicky's lap.  
"Oh... I... I'm sorry, Shane"

The younger boy rested his head against Nicky's chest and draped his arm around his neck. He closed his eyes, listening to sound of Nicky's heart beating against his chest.  
"They left me because they said I obviously loved someone else... Which is so not the case"  
"It's not?"  
"Course not! He just wanted an excuse to dump me"  
"He? Shane... You're new 'girlfriend'... Was a guy? Why didn't you tell me?"  
"You never asked"

Shane reached out and started tracing circular patterns on Nicky's chest with his index finger. He looked up and his eyes locked with Nicky's.  
"He was really hot too" Shane said sadly. "I'm talking fucking gorgeous. He was perfect. Just like you"

Thinking Shane was making a joke, Nicky laughed. Then he reached up and took Shane's hand in his own.  
"How much of that" he nodded at the vodka "have you had?"  
"Just one"  
"One drink?"  
"One bottle"  
"I'm gonna make you some coffee"

The older boy maneuvered his way out from under Shane, leaving the brunette on the couch. He then stood up and left the room, taking the bottle of alcohol with him. He went into the Kitchen, filled the kettle with water and set it to boil. His gaze fell on the vodka bottle and, without thinking, he picked it up and took a long swig. He coughed and gagged.

"You get used to it" Shane offered from the doorway.

He walked over to Nicky and took the bottle from him. Then he raised it to his lips and took another mouthful. Nicky looked at Shane then decided to wait until the coffee was ready before trying to wrestle the alcohol from Shane. So he left the brunette alone while he set about making coffer for them both.  
The blonde walked over to the refrigerator, opened it and retrieved the milk. When he turned back around, Shane was sitting on the bench top still drinking from the bottle.

As Nicky crossed the room, Shane stuck his leg out and blocked his path. He turned to face Shane. So the younger boy bent his knee, wrapping his leg around Nicky's waist and he pulled his body towards him.  
Nicky's face was now inches away from Shane's. He could smell the alcohol on the younger boy's breath but he didn't really mind. He placed the milk on the counter beside Shane and stared into his hazel eyes. They remained locked in this position for several long seconds, each staring at the other. Both contemplating the next move.

Suddenly, Shane lunged at Nicky. The older boy was taken by surprise and thrown completely off-balance. The two lads fell to the ground, Nicky landing on his back on the tiles with Shane's weight on top of him.  
"He was right" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear.  
"He...? What?" Nicky asked, totally confused.  
"I've been wanting *you* for months"  
"Ha ha. Very funny. Now let me up"

Shane smiled down at Nicky, a slight twinkle in his eye. He slid his hand down Nicky's body and closed his fist around the older boy's wrist. He shifted his weight so he was straddling Nicky then he ran his other hand down Nicky's cheek.

"I'm not joking" Nicky insisted. "Get off me"

Nicky was more than a little confused by Shane's odd behavior. He couldn't deny that he liked having Shane on top of him. But his hold on Nicky's wrist was almost vice-like. Shane slowly leaned forward until his lips were millimeters from Nicky's ear. The older boy caught a glimpse of Shane's face, his expression an odd mix of anger and lust.

"I don't think so" He breathed in Nicky's ear, sending a shiver through Nicky's body. 

Nicky opened his mouth to protest but the brunette silenced him with a forceful kiss, violating the blonde's mouth with his tongue. He felt Nicky's body stiffen in shock and a slight tremor passed through his body. The older boy attempted to pull away but Shane's hand had moved from his cheek to his neck and was now holding him in place. Yet as his grip on Nicky's neck tightened, his kiss became less insistent and more tender.  
As Shane had become engrossed in the kiss, his grip on Nicky's wrist was surrendered. The blonde's hand was now free but instead of pushing Shane away, he slipped them around Shane's waist and pulled the younger boy's body closer to his own.

The brunette finally broke the kiss, pulling away to look down at Nicky. His eyes were wide in shock and confusion. His lips mid-pout, just begging to be kissed again. Nicky looked into Shane's eyes which were dark with lust. Before either of them could speak, Shane captured Nicky's lips with own again.  
This time, Nicky closed his eyes. He was lost in a wave of emotions. Confusion, excitement, passion... He was a slave to the sensation of Shane's lips on his. Surrendering to the sensations, he ran his hands down Shane's back and stopped at Shane's ass.

As his tongue prodded its way into Nicky's mouth again, he ground his hips against the older boy causing Nicky to gasp upon feeling the hardness of Shane's arousal against his thigh. He held back a moan as Shane's tongue tickled his neck.

Suddenly, Shane's weight was gone from Nicky's body. The brunette stood up and helped Nicky to his feet before pulling him into a tight embrace. Both Nicky's hands were trapped between their bodies, pressed against Shane's chest. The older boy stood motionless once again. Shane caught the hint of lust in his blue eyes and his heart skipped a beat.

"Nicky!" He whispered as he leaned forward to indulge in the taste of that sweet mouth once more. 

Nicky's heart was pounding, his hands were sweating and his cock was springing to life. Shane’s kiss took his breath away with its passion and tenderness. He closed his eyes and reveled in the sensation. He felt Shane's hands on his waist, lifting him up into his arms. He managed to free his hands and wrap them around Shane's shoulders. He then wrapped his legs around Shane's waist. Without breaking their kiss and with strength he never knew he possessed, Shane carried Nicky into his bedroom.

Ignoring the fact that he hadn't bother to make up his bed this morning, he placed Nicky on top of the duvet then sat on the bed beside him. The blonde took advantage and leapt on top of Shane, pushing him down on the mattress and straddling his thighs. He moaned as he, once again, felt Shane's hardness pressing against him. The brunette reached up and grabbed the base of Nicky's shirt then pulled it off over his head. Shane then proceeded to kiss Nicky's neck and chest, his hands roaming up and down Nicky's back causing him to shiver with anticipation. 

Shane cupped one hand behind Nicky's neck and pulled him in for another kiss. The heat and desperation between the two singers was intense. As they kissed, Shane felt Nicky's fingers shakily unbuttoning his shirt. He raised himself slightly so that the older boy could separate him from his shirt, their mouths still locked together. The feel of Nicky's hands stroking his chest was wonderful.

With a low growl, he pushed Nicky off him and onto the bed, his control beginning to slip as he fumbled with the zipper of Nicky's jeans. Both lads were becoming impatient and their hands began to work double-speed. Separating themselves, and each other, from their clothes and shoes. Within moment, they both lay naked on Shane's duvet.

By now, they were both panting for breath as they each fought for possession of the other's mouth. Nicky was overcome by the taste of alcohol on Shane's breath but now he really didn't care. His cock was seeping with need and he slid his hand down to stoke Shane.

As Nicky's hand met with Shane's cock, the younger boy's demeanor changed. He grabbed Nicky in another vise-like grip and he forced him down on his back. His mouth latched onto his neck and he roughly bit into the sensitive skin. Nicky held back a yelp as Shane's teeth sank into his neck and he felt Shane's knees roughly parting his legs.

"No, Shane, I'm not ready - !" Nicky whispered urgently, but Shane was beyond hearing him.

Nicky struggled frantically, begging him to just wait for a moment, but the younger boy was too impatient. He forced his mouth against Nicky's as he slammed his cock into the blonde's unprepared anus. With one hard thrust of his hips he claimed him. His cry of pain was muffled by Shane's tongue

At first Shane's movements were slow as he savored the sensation. But Nicky was in agony, his body rigid and shuddering. When Shane began to thrust harder and faster, he thought he might pass out from the pain. Tears of pain and betrayal filled his eyes though he tried to hold them back.

"Nicky" Shane moaned. "Oh yeah!"  
"No" Nicky whispered. "Please Shane"  
"Oh fuck! Shane cried.

The brunette thrust forward, lodging his cock deep inside Nicky as he came. The older boy almost crying with relief as Shane shot his seed and pulled out of him.

"You are so hot, Nix" Shane slurred.

He eased himself off Nicky, rolled onto his side and pulled Nicky with him, effectively trapping him against his chest.  
"That was amazing" Shane whispered.

Tears continued to form in those large blue orbs but he refused to let them fall. He couldn't believe what had just happened. It had been so wonderful up until then. As he tried to compose himself, he felt Shane's hold on him loosen. He sneaked a look at the younger boy and sighed when he discovered the brunette had passed out.

With great difficulty, Nicky slid off the bed and quietly retrieved his clothes. He slowly and carefully dressed himself then slipped out of the room. Every movement he made caused him immense pain. He had told Shane he wasn't ready but the younger boy hadn't heard him.

Once he'd reached the driver's seat of his BMW, he cried out in a wave of mixed emotions. He knew he couldn't make it home to Dublin in this state and he couldn't... Well, wouldn't, stay here. He opened the glove compartment, located his cell phone, made a quick call then started his car.

*

Ten minutes later, he was pulling into Mark's driveway. The younger boy was already in the yard waiting for him. Nicky slowly climbed out of his car and collapsed in Mark's arms. Each step he tried to take hurt way too much and he sank to the ground. It was then that Mark noticed the seat of Nicky's jeans was covered in what looked like blood. He gasped in horror and gently pulled Nicky into a comforting hug.

"Nicky? What happened?" Mark asked, his voice trembling with shock. "Who did this to you?"

"Shane" Nicky sobbed. "Shane did it"


	2. Chapter 2

Mark had to put his own feelings of shock and disbelief aside so he could take care of the older boy. Using his newly acquired upper body strength, he picked Nicky up in his arms and carried the blonde inside the house. Blinking back tears, the younger boy took Nicky into his bedroom and gently lay him down on the bed.  
The distressed blonde looked up at Mark with haunted eyes. The brunette reached out and placed his hand on Nicky's cheek. He sat down on the bed beside his friend and tried to compose his thoughts.

"Nicky?" Mark asked gently. "What happened?"

Nicky closed his eyes and shook his head, indicating that he didn't want to talk about it. Mark nodded then retracted his hand. Instead he took Nicky's hand in his own and, as a gesture of support, softly stroked the back of it.

"I need to call a friend of mine" Mark began. "He's a doctor..."  
Again, Nicky shook his head.  
"Nicky, you're bleeding. He needs to check you. You... The bleeding needs to be stopped"

With tears rolling down his cheeks, Nicky reluctantly nodded his consent.  
Mark picked up the phone then stood up. Nicky tightened his grip on Mark's hand, refusing to let him leave.

"Nicky, I have to call him" Mark pleaded.  
"I know..." Nicky whispered. "Just don't leave me"

Mark nodded and sat back down. He dialed the phone and listened to it ringing. Finally a familiar voice greeted him.

"Hey Trevor" he greeted him. "It's me, Mark"  
"Mark!" Trevor replied. "I was hoping you'd call. How much longer are you home for?"  
"Three more days... Anyway, listen. I need a favor"  
"Of course... Anything Mark. All you have to do is ask"  
"I know you're not working today but my friend's been hurt and doesn't want to go to the hospital"  
"And by 'hurt' you mean...?"  
"I mean you should probably bring a rape kit with you"  
"A rape kit? Mark, is he okay?"  
"He will be... Just please? Can you help him?"  
"I'll be there as soon as I can"

"No!" Nicky insisted as Mark hung up the phone.  
"No?" Mark asked.  
"He didn't... He didn't rape me, Mark!"  
"I know... It was just the quickest and easiest way to explain your condition over the phone, Nicky"  
"Shane didn't rape me. I wanted him to fuck me"  
"Does he know he hurt you?"  
Nicky shook his head.  
"He'd been drinking and I kept quiet. I told him I wasn't ready, asked him to wait... But he didn't hear me"  
"I wish I knew what to say to make this better"  
"Oh Mark. I just wanted to be with him... But it hurt so much"  
"So, he really didn't 'force' you? You did want him?"  
"Of course he didn't force me! This is Shane we're talking about... And I'd sleep with him in a heartbeat. But he... He was tipsy and, I guess, impatient? I mean... Like I said, this is Shane. Shane wouldn't hurt a fly..."  
"I know Nicky. That's why I'm struggling to understand what happened"

Nicky closed his eyes and buried his face in Mark's pillow. He didn't want to think about it. He had been in Shane's room, in his bed. He had waited months for the younger boy and finally their moment had come.  
But it had all gone so wrong.  
Mark sat in a pained silence, watching over his friend. He felt physically sick when he thought about what Nicky must have gone through. But he also knew this didn't feel right. The mere thought of Shane hurting Nicky was almost laughable. They were best friends, practically inseparable, and they both cared for the other more than Mark liked to admit.

He hated the silence that lingered in the room but he couldn't think of anything to say. Nicky had shut himself off from Mark, lost in his own thoughts and Mark didn't want to say anything to upset him.

Some time later, Mark looked up and was surprised to see his boyfriend standing in the doorway.  
"Trevor" Mark greeted him.  
"I got here as soon as I could" he replied. "The door was open... I knocked but when you didn't answer, I let myself in..."

Trevor entered the room. He placed his bag on the end of the bed and walked over to Mark. He placed his hand on Mark's shoulder then leaned down and quickly kissed his lips.  
"So... This is your friend?" Trevor asked, looking down at Nicky.  
"Yeah" Mark replied. "This is Nicky"

The blonde opened his eyes and looked up at Mark.  
"Nicky?" Mark whispered. "This is Trevor... He's going to take care of you"  
"Hi Nicky" Trevor addressed him.  
"It's okay, he's a good guy and I'll be just outside if you need me"  
"No!" Nicky exclaimed. "Mark, please don't leave"

Mark looked over at his boyfriend who nodded his consent.  
"Okay, Nix" Mark replied. "I'll stay with you"

Trevor opened his bag, put on a pair of gloves and set about examining Nicky's injuries.  
"Can you tell me what happened, Nicky?" he asked, trying to distract Nicky from what his hands were doing.  
"I wasn't raped" Nicky stated, wanting to correct what Mark had told Trevor.  
"I'm a doctor, not a cop. You don't need to lie to me"  
"It's true! I wasn't raped!" Nicky insisted. "I just... I wasn't ready..."  
"Were you safe? Did he use protection?"  
"No... No precautions... No lube either"  
"You must have been in a lot of pain" Nicky nodded.  
"Nothing I haven't already experienced..." Nicky whispered but only Mark heard him.  
Mark held Nicky's hand with his left and placed his right one on Nicky's cheek, carefully wiping away the older boy's tears.

Ten minutes later, Trevor closed his bag. He removed his gloves then walked into the bathroom. He tossed the gloves in the bin then washed his hands. He picked up a glass and filled it with water. Then he returned to the bedroom and handed the glass to Nicky along with two pills.  
Without a word or any hesitation, Nicky took the two pills and swallowed them with the water.  
"So?" Mark asked. "What's the verdict?"  
Trevor shook his head and held his finger to his lips. He then turned on his heel and left the room. He walked into the Kitchen and placed the glass on the sink. He took a deep breath and tried to compose his thoughts.  
He could clearly see Mark's concern for Nicky and he couldn't help but wonder just how much of it was concern for a friend and how much was for a would-be lover.

After a few minutes, he returned to Mark's bedroom and paused just outside the door. Mark was still gently stroking Nicky's cheek while the blonde had drifted off to sleep.  
Trevor stepped into the room and cleared his throat. Mark looked at him so he cocked his head over his shoulder, indicating he wanted Mark to follow him out of the room. The younger boy shifted his gaze from Trevor to Nicky then back to Trevor.  
His lover laughed then tried to smile at him.  
"It's okay" Trevor told him. "I gave him a sedative to help him sleep. He'll be out for a while and won't even know you were gone"

Mark nodded. He stood up, kissed Nicky's forehead then followed his lover from the room. The couple made their way through the house until they reached the Kitchen. He indicated for Mark to take a seat. He sat down at the table and Trevor took a seat opposite him.  
"He's going to be fine" Trevor began.  
"Thank God" Mark sighed with relief.  
"There was some internal bleeding but it was only superficial. It wasn't enough to warrant stitches. I placed some gauze inside the wound to seep up the excess blood. It'll need to be changed tonight... I'll leave some fresh dressing for him"  
"Thank you"  
"I think it'd be best if he stayed here for a few days... He really shouldn't move too much as it might aggravate the wound. When are you due in London?"  
"Thursday"  
"Well... I'd suggest you drive him home on Wednesday and stay with him the night. Then your friends can meet you at the airport on Thursday..."  
"Sounds like a good idea...."

They both fell silent, thinking over this arrangement. Several minutes passed before Mark spoke again.  
"He said it wasn't rape"  
"Do you believe him?"  
"I don't know... He said it was Shane-"  
"Your band mate, Shane?"  
"Yeah, exactly. I've known Shane for years and believe me... He's not capable of rape... Especially not Nicky. They're best friends; they're incapable of hurting each other"  
"Well, I've seen a few rape victims in my day... And his behavior matches with his story. Maybe Shane was just careless. Had they been drinking?"  
"Nicky said Shane had been"  
"Then there's your answer. Shane was drunk and made a move on Nicky. And maybe Nicky was okay with that, he didn't say he didn't want it... So they fell in bed together and Shane (in his drunken state) got... I don't know, careless? Rough? Impatient? You pick... And Nicky accidentally got hurt. It sucks but it does happen... It has happened. And now, Nicky needs your help to move on and recover"  
"Trev, I can't help but think that... This isn't the kind of thing he can just 'move on' from. The man he loves" Mark almost choked on the word. "The man he loves, physically hurt him"  
"And he came to you for help... So help him"  
"But... I've never been through this before. I don't know how to help him"  
"Just be with him... Be there for him. Hold him; comfort him when he needs it. Help him to see this wasn't his fault and that life goes on. Reassure him that Shane does love him"

Mark couldn't stop himself from snorting.  
"Mark... Help him to heal himself"  
"I... I'll try"  
"And Mark?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I'd advise him not to have s... Not to do any strenuous activities for at least two weeks"  
"Why are you looking at me like that when you say that?"  
"I think you know why"  
"Trevor!"  
"I'm not stupid Mark. The first time I asked you out, you turned me down because of your feelings for someone else. But when you came to me three months ago and said you didn't want to spend the rest of your life waiting for him... I didn't care because I liked you. I do like you. You told me from the start, you couldn't give me your whole heart but you gave me all you could. And I love you for it but like I said... I'm not stupid. Nicky's the one who possesses your heart"  
"Please, Trevor!"  
"Its okay, Mark... But I feel I should warn you that just because something unfortunate happened, doesn't mean that Nicky will stop loving Shane"  
"I know"  
"And... And I want you to know that... Once you've filled your... Purpose here... Whether it be as a lover or as a friend... I... I'll still be here for you... In what ever way you want or need me..."  
"But I-"  
"Shhhh. Don't say anything. Just think about it, okay?"

Mark simply nodded, too stunned to speak.


	3. Chapter 3

Kian grumbled to himself in frustration as he climbed out of his car and marched up the front walk in Shane's yard. Shane had been meant to meet him over an hour ago and the brunette had been a no-show. Kian had left him three voicemail messages then given up and driven to his house. Upon seeing Shane's BMW in the drive, he felt both relieved and annoyed. He was relieved that his thoughts of Shane being injured obviously weren't valid. Yet he also felt increasingly annoyed at the fact that Shane had failed to call and tell him he couldn't make it.

He knocked on the door and was surprised when it opened at his touch. Whoever had entered or exited the house last had failed to close the door properly. He felt his unease begin to rise once again. He quietly made his way through the house. When he reached the Kitchen, he spotted two mugs on the counter and a carton of milk which had been left out of the refrigerator. Then another thought occurred to him and his eyes rose to the ceiling.

Kian sighed, suddenly realizing why Shane had stood him up. He left the Kitchen and made his way up the stairs. He paused outside Shane's bedroom. The brunette had been very coy and secretive about his new girlfriend and Kian was very curious about her... But he was a little hesitant about barging in on them when they were in the bedroom.

The blonde reached up and knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked louder. Still no answer. He turned the handle and slowly opened the door, ready to close it should he see something he shouldn't. Shane was lying on top of his duvet, completely naked, but he was alone.

"Oh, Shane!" Kian exclaimed, putting his hand over his eyes.

The brunette on the bed began to stir. He slowly sat up, glancing around the room in confusion.

"Nicky?" Shane slurred.  
"Nicky?" Kian asked, tossing Shane his robe. "No, I'm Kian. Remember you were supposed to meet me over an hour ago? Wait, Nicky? Was Nicky here? Shane, are you hung-over?"  
"Where's Nicky?" Shane asked, ignoring Kian's questions.  
"I... I don't know, Shane. His car wasn't outside"  
"But... Why would he leave?"  
"Shane? Did... Did you have sex with Nicky?"

Before Shane could answer, Kian cut him off.  
"What's that on the duvet? It kinda looks like blood"

Shane looked to where Kian was pointing and his heart froze. Right next to where he lay, in the exact spot he had had Nicky was a streak of blood. Shane opened his robe and looked down at his own cock. There were traces of dried blood on the tip.

"Oh God!" Shane's heart began to pound and his eyes filled with tears. "What the hell have I done? We've got to find him, Ki!"

The brunette leapt off the bed and grabbed the phone. Without even thinking about it, he dialed Nicky's cell phone which immediately diverted to his voice-mail. Shane dropped the phone and sank down on the bed.

"Oh God!" Shane cried. "Where is he? What have I done? Why won't he answer his phone? Do you think he's okay? Where could he be?"  
Kian crossed the room and squatted on the floor in front of Shane. He reached out and put his hand on Shane's arm. He placed his other hand on Shane's chin and urged him to look up and meet his gaze.

"Shane?" Kian spoke softly, but firmly. "Look at me"  
Shane's eyes were closed. He refused to look at Kian as he was too disgusted with himself.  
"Shane! Look at me" Kian said again.

The older boy reluctantly opened his eyes. Kian slid both his hands onto Shane's shoulders and stared at him. His gaze was long and hard yet also mildly reassuring.  
"Good" Kian began, now that he was meeting Shane's eyes. "Now, Shane, calm down and let's think about this rationally"  
"Rationally? Kian-"  
"Come on! Logical thinking here Shane. What was Nicky doing here? Last I checked he was at home in Dublin"  
"I got dumped, Ki. I was upset and I called him. And he drove up here to make sure I was okay"  
"You were upset... Understandable enough... Had you been drinking?"  
"Yeah, a little... Fine! A lot"  
"So... What happened?"

"I kissed him" Shane confessed. "I've wanted him for so long and... I don't know. It just seemed right. And when he started kissing me back... WOW! But something happened and we ended up in here..."  
Shane turned away from the younger boy and found himself staring at the blood on the sheets. His tears leaked from his eyes and he tore his gaze away from the stain.  
"I wanted him so bad... And for so long. I got impatient and... And careless. Oh, God! He asked me to wait, said he wasn't ready... I thought he was just, you know, playing? And, I didn't listen to him"

He leapt off the bed and hurried into the bathroom. He collapsed in front of the toilet and threw up. Kian slowly followed the brunette and stood in the doorway, watching him. Shane sat back on the tiles and looked up at Kian. His face was deathly pale.  
"How could I?" Shane sobbed. "I raped him, Ki"  
"No, don't even think that"  
"Well, what other explanation is there? I didn't mean to hurt him, he's my best friend!"  
"Just... Have a shower-"  
"What-?"  
"Shane, have a shower and try to calm down. Again, thinking logically... Nicky's not here. He wouldn't have attempted to drive home and he didn't call me. So, by the power of deduction... I have determined that-"  
"He's at Mark's" Shane interrupted.  
"Exactly"

********

Mark had seen Trevor to the door and kissed him goodbye before returning to his room to be with Nicky. As he sat by the bed, staring at the blonde, he couldn't help but think about what Trevor had said to him. Just because Nicky had feelings for Shane, it didn't make him gay. He had never had reason to think Nicky was gay considering how long he had been with Georgina. And Nicky had said it had been an amicable split between the two of them.

But Mark, himself, had fallen for Nicky a long time ago. It had been a gradual 'falling' that he hadn't even seen coming. It had hit him suddenly one day while filming a video for the 'World of Our Own' single. Nicky had been dressed as a gangster (they all had been, but he was the only one who could pull it off) complete with leather gloves and a cane. Mark had watched, completely transfixed, as Nicky constantly ran his leathered fingers up and down the length of the cane. In that moment, he had had to resist the urge to run up to him and kiss him.

The only thing that had held him back from crushing the blonde against the wall and feeling his leathered hands against his body... Was Shane. Mark knew it wasn't Shane's fault but whenever he had looked at Nicky (and scolded himself for his impure thoughts about his band mate); Shane was always by his side. And, more than once that day, he'd caught Shane's eyes on the older boy... No doubt having the same impure thoughts Mark had been having.

He reached out and lightly stroked Nicky's cheek. His band mate was still fast asleep. Mark's heart ached for his friend. He longed to take Nicky into his arms and make him forget what had happened.  
Trevor had let him go, freeing him from commitment so he could be with Nicky. But Mark was afraid to jump on that fantasy. The chances of Nicky wanting him were pretty slim (and Mark knew that Trevor knew that too). But he couldn't help thinking that Nicky had come to him. He could have gone to Kian, could have called any of his friends or family and he chose to come here... To him.

A knock at the front door was the only thing that could pull Mark away from Nicky. He reluctantly left the room and made his way down the stairs. He paused in the hall and opened the door. On his front porch stood Kian and Shane. Kian appeared worried and very grim while Shane was a wreck. He was shaking like mad and struggling to control his tears.  
For a brief moment, Mark considered playing dumb to see what they would say to him but they could all see Nicky's BMW parked in his drive.  
"Hey lads" Mark greeted them stoically, half glaring at Shane. He was slightly glad to see the older boy was upset about what he'd done.  
"Please, Mark?" Shane pleaded through his tears. "Is he here?"  
"Of course he is" Mark snapped. "His car's here"  
"Is he okay?" Kian spoke up.  
"He's asleep. I called a friend of mine... A doctor... He came over and looked him over. Then he gave him some med's to help him sleep"  
"But... Is he okay?" Kian asked again.  
"Well, considering he was just raped by his best friend... He's just peachy!" Mark continued to snap.

Shane's face had now turned a ghostly white and Mark felt a pinch of sympathy for him. He hadn't really meant to snap at his friends but his anger and hatred towards Shane were growing by the second.  
As much as he loved having Nicky in his bed, he hated the circumstances which had put him there. He had seen the haunted look in Nicky's eyes when the blonde had stumbled out of his car and confessed that Shane was responsible for his condition.

"Mark, stop!" Kian accosted him. "You know damn well that Shane didn't do this on purpose"  
Mark refused to meet Kian's eye.  
"Can we please come inside?" Kian asked in a gentler tone.

The younger boy stared at his band mates, wondering if he could just close the door in their faces. But, despite his disappointment in Shane right now, Kian deserved to be able to see Nicky. So Mark reluctantly stepped aside and allowed them to enter his home.

"Where is he?" Kian asked.  
"In my room" Mark replied. "He's still sleeping..."  
"Can I see him?" Shane asked his voice barely louder than a whisper.  
"No" Mark replied as Kian said "In a minute"

"What?" Mark asked Kian. "Are you joking? I'm not letting him in there with Nicky!"  
"Mark, please? Be reasonable" Kian said.  
"Reasonable? Do you not know what he did?"  
"I know what happened, Mark. But look at him!... The guilt is killing him"  
"Good"  
"Mark! Just let him see him..."

Shane wanted to speak up. To scold his friends for talking about him as though he weren't in the room. But he knew Kian was right. His guilt was plaguing him. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt but if he didn't think about it... He felt guilty for acting like it hadn't happened.  
He stood in the hall behind Kian, listening to his band mates argue about him. The two younger lads were so engrossed in their argument that neither of them noticed him slip out of the hall and up the stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

When Shane reached Mark's bedroom, he paused outside the door to compose himself. With a deep breath, he slowly opened the door. The rational part of his brain told him not to go in but he couldn't stay away. So he quietly stepped into the room and paused at the foot of the bed.  
Nicky looked so peaceful and relaxed. No doubt thanks to the medication he'd been given. He looked like he was having an afternoon nap and not recovering from a painful ordeal. Shane longed to reach out and touch him but he was too scared. He'd already hurt Nicky once, he refused to let it happen again.  
To resist temptation, he folded his arms across his chest and remained at the foot of the bed.  
"I'm so sorry, Nix" Shane began. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm going to find a way to make this up to you. I don't know how yet but there has to be something I can do, must be someway for me to fix this... I can't lose you"

He walked over to the window seat and sat down. He folded his hands in his lap and looked over at Nicky.  
"It shouldn't have happened like that" Shane confessed. "It should have been special. I'd always dreamed our first time would mean something... That it'd be beautiful, with music and candles and..." Shane broke off as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Oh God! Nicky! I wish I could take it back... Not because of my guilt but because I hate that I hurt you. I hate that you're in pain! And I know it's too late now but I should have told you a long time ago that I loved you... That I'm in love with you. And now... Because of this... You'll never be able to love me the way I love you... You'll never trust me again..."

"Get out!"

Shane's head snapped up, fearing it was Nicky who had spoken. But he looked up and saw Mark glaring at him from the doorway. Kian had stepped into the room and was eyeing Nicky carefully.  
"I mean it!" Mark growled. "Stay away from him!"  
"But... I'm not near him" Shane argued weakly.

The look of anger and hatred in Mark's eyes was enough to get through to Shane. He stood up and quickly (yet hesitantly) left the room. Kian and Mark remained stationary but as Kian turned to follow Shane, Nicky began to stir.

"Nicky?" Mark whispered.  
"Shane?" Nicky replied, his voice husky with sleep.  
"Uh" Mark began. He looked over at Shane, who was now standing in the hall. Shane met his gaze and shook his head. "No, Nicky. Shane's not here but Kian is"  
"Oh... Okay. Why?"  
"Why?"  
"Why is Kian here?"  
"I called him" Mark lied. "I was worried about you and thought that Kian should know what happened... I hope that’s okay with you?"  
"Yeah, it's okay... We would have told you eventually anyway" Nicky acknowledged both of them. "Have either of you talked to him?"

Kian and Mark exchanged a look. They both knew that by 'him', Nicky meant Shane.  
"Not yet" Kian spoke up. "I wanted to make sure you were okay first. In case he asks about you. You know?"

"I need a shower" Nicky changed the subject.  
"Sure" Mark replied. "Uh, if you want some clean clothes, just help yourself... I'm sure you'll find something of mine to wear" Nicky nodded. "Then, afterwards... Would you like to join us in the Living room? I'll make some tea"  
"Okay"

Mark and Kian joined Shane in the Kitchen.  
"We lied to him" Kian stated.  
"I thought he'd be upset if he knew I was here" Shane confessed.  
"But... He's going to come in here and see you"  
"Then I'll leave... I don't have my car but I'll walk"  
"It's dark outside!"  
"The night air will do me good"  
"But it's freezing out there!"

Shane's cell phone began to ring. He quickly pulled it from his pocket and checked the called ID.  
"It's Nicky" he told them.  
He hit the answer button and raised the phone to his ear.  
"Hello?" Shane asked. He was greeted with silence. "Nicky? Hello?"  
The line went dead. Shane looked at his cell in confusion then put it away.  
"He just hung up without saying a word"

Shane looked up and noticed both Mark and Kian were looking at him.  
"What?" he asked them.  
Kian nodded his head towards the door. Shane slowly turned around and spotted Nicky standing in the doorway.

"Hey" Shane greeted him nervously.  
"Hey" Nicky replied.  
"Don't be mad at Mark and Ki... I asked them not to tell you I was here"  
"I heard your phone ringing from upstairs..."  
"Why did you call me?"  
"I... I wanted to talk to you"

"Nicky?" Mark spoke up. "Can't this wait? At least until tomorrow. Take some time to think about what you want to say"  
"I don't need to think about it" Nicky told him.  
"Uh... Did you want to talk, ugh...? In private?"  
"No, it's okay. I can say what I need to in front of you lads... Shane, I really think that I loved you but now I don't know how I feel anymore. Maybe I still do love you... Or maybe I don't. All I know right now is that... I'm scared"  
"Scared?" Shane almost choked on the word. "Of me?"  
"Of... Of what you're capable of. I... I feel for you and... And love you but I don't know if I trust you"  
"No, Nicky! Please? I was stupid and I made a mistake. A stupid, horrible mistake... It'll never happen again. I promise!"  
"I'm sorry, Shane" Nicky averted his eyes. "But I don't believe you"

With his eyes still focusing on the ground, Nicky turned away and quickly left the room. Shane's heart had officially stopped beating. He couldn't blame Nicky for being upset but knowing the blonde loved him yet couldn't trust him, was heartbreaking.  
"I'm sure... In time..." Kian began.  
"Please, drive me home" Shane stated.  
"Shane?"  
"Please, Ki? I'm not needed or wanted here by Nicky or Mark. So, can you please take me home?"

Shane didn't give Kian a chance to respond. Instead, he just turned and left the room. A moment later, they heard the front door close behind him.  
"Nicky can stay here" Mark told Kian. "Then I'll drive him home on Wednesday and stay with him. We'll meet you at the airport on Thursday, okay?"  
Kian nodded in agreement.  
"Take care of him" Kian said.  
"You know I will" Mark replied.  
"And you'll let me know how he's doing?"  
"Of course"  
"And... And if he *wants* to see or talk to Shane, you'll let him?"  
"Let him? Since when have we ever been able to Nicky what he can and can't do?"  
"I get your point... Well" Kian sighed. "I guess I'll see you on Thursday"  
"Bye Ki"

Mark followed Kian to the door. He peered out into the dark yard but couldn't see Shane. It saddened him to know that he didn't care where his friend was. He closed the door and glanced down at his watch. He almost gasped; he couldn't believe how late it was. He reached up and gently massaged his temple, sensing an approaching headache.

The sound of the shower above him was almost soothing. He hated to admit that a part of him had enjoyed hearing Nicky dismissing Shane. He wanted to feel sympathy for his band mate. If Nicky had said to him what he had said to Shane, Mark knew his heart would be crushed. He was sorry to see their friendship crumbling.  
The four of them depended on each other and needed to co-exist because without that trust and friendship, the band would suffer. If Shane & Nicky couldn't find a way to reconcile, then their careers could be over.

The brunette turned off the hall light and slowly made his way up stairs. He walked into his room, could still hear the shower running so he collapsed on his bed. It had been a long, awful day and one that he wouldn't forget in hurry (if ever). He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the running water. Once Nicky had showered and was feeling calmer, he would try to talk to him. But for now, he did something he shouldn't. With his eyes firmly closed, he smiled to himself as he imagined Nicky using his shower.

-*-*-*-*-

For the entire trip home, Kian tried to talk to Shane but the older boy refused to speak. His heart went out to his friend. He knew how much Nicky's words had hurt Shane. The older boy was clearly in love with Nicky. And Nicky had practically admitted to loving Shane too... Just not being able to trust him.  
Kian held back a sigh. Trust had never been an issue between hi two friends before. He had once heard Nicky say that he trusted Shane with his life... And he'd never doubted that. Never had reason to... Shane & Nicky went together like Peanut Butter & Jelly... Or Posh & Becks.  
This entire situation was so messy... And so wrong.

"I really screwed up" Shane finally spoke.  
"You made a mistake" Kian tried to reassure him. Shane shook his head in disbelief.  
"He said he can't trust me anymore"  
"Well, maybe he didn't really mean it?"  
"But I don't think I trust myself any more"  
"Shane..."  
"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this... How to make things right again"  
"I'm sorry that I can't help you... Maybe you need to just give him some time to deal... Mark's going to drive him home on Wednesday and we're gonna meet them at the airport. So, maybe by then he'll have changed his mind"  
"It's going to take a bit more than a couple of days away from me to help him get past this"

"Don't do this, Shane" Kian stated.  
"Do what?" Shane asked.  
"Stop beating yourself up. You did the wrong thing and you know it but feeling guilty and berating yourself isn't going to change what happened"  
"Then... What should I be doing?"  
"For one, stop stressing. Go home and get some sleep... Then tomorrow, call him. Tell him you're sorry and that you know you did wrong. Tell him the truth, that you love him but made a mistake and that it'll never, ever happen again... Reassure him that he *can* trust you"  
"But-"  
"Then let it go. When you see him on Thursday, don't mention it. Just move on"  
"So you want me to pretend this didn't happen?"  
"I didn't say that"  
"Good, because I can't do that"  
"All I meant was... The longer you cling to this, the longer it'll keep the two of you apart"  
"And what if he can't forgive me?"  
"You're best friends... If the two of you can't find forgiveness, no one can"


	5. Chapter 5

Mark slowly opened his eyes. He was still in the phase of waking up. Not quite awake but not still sleeping. Sunlight was flittering into the room through the open curtains and he realized he had slept straight through. He had only closed his eyes for a minute, to pass the time until Nicky returned from his shower.  
As he stifled a yawn, he realized that while he'd nodded off to sleep on his own, he was no longer alone. The warm body pressed against his felt nice. Better than nice. He looked down at the older boy and couldn't hold back a smile.

Nicky was wearing a pair of Mark's sweat pants and a white singlet. His body was nestled against Mark's, his head resting on Mark's chest. Being careful not to disturb his sleeping companion, he raised his arm and gently draped it around the blonde. Subconsciously, Nicky snuggled closer to the younger boy.  
Mark leaned down and softly kissed the top of Nicky's head. Then he began to stroke his fingers through the short blonde locks.

The older boy began to stir; Mark ceased his strokes but left his hand resting on the back of Nicky's neck. The blonde's eyes slowly opened. He peered up at Mark, observing him with nervous confusion.  
"Morning" Mark whispered.  
"Mmmmmm" Nicky murmured. "I could get used to this"  
"You sleep okay?"  
"I guess... Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to go into the guest room but I saw you sleeping here and... And, after yesterday... I just, I didn't want to be alone..."  
"Hey, it's ok. I don't mind"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, really..."  
"It's just… it was a long day..."  
"That it was"

Nicky slowly moved up the bed, resting his head in the crook of Mark's shoulder. Then he drew his hand up and began to play with the buttons on Mark's shirt. Slowly twisting them in his fingers but not unbuttoning any.  
"So, uh... How's you’re...?" Mark nervously began.  
"My ass?" Nicky asked.

The brunette felt himself blushing while he nodded his head. Nicky smiled at him.  
"It's okay" Nicky reached out, grabbed Mark's hand and guided it down the length of their bodies. Then he deposited Mark's hand on his ass. "Does it feel okay to you?" Nicky joked.

He stared up at Mark with a twinkle in his eye and a flirtatious smile playing on his lips. The younger boy didn't know what to say or do. He'd basically been given Nicky's permission to 'cop a feel'. He allowed his fingers to linger for a brief moment before retracting his hand.  
Nicky bit his bottom lip, acknowledging that he'd crossed the imaginary line and had made Mark uncomfortable.  
"I'm sorry, Mark" Nicky apologized. "I was just making a joke... Too tasteless, huh?"

Mark's throat had gone dry. So many thoughts had crossed his mind; too many that were highly inappropriate right now. His hand had been on the blonde's ass; had been placed there by the blonde himself.  
"Uh... Yeah, a little?" Mark managed to say.  
"Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood" Nicky admitted.

Without realizing it, Mark began to softly stroke his hand up and down Nicky's back in a comforting and reassuring gesture.  
"Can I ask you something?" Mark asked.  
"About Shane?" Nicky responded.

Mark held back a sigh. It pained him that Nicky couldn't last ten minutes without mentioning his name. But at the same time, he couldn't be mad at the blonde. What happened to Nicky the previous day would have come as a shock to him. Therefore, it was no surprise that he'd be thinking of Shane this morning... Especially if he was still hurting; hurting both mentally and physically.

"No, not about him" Mark replied.  
"Well, what then?" Nicky asked.  
"Uh... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to... But, you see, yesterday... When Trevor was here and was taking care of you... He said that you must have been in pain and you said, you said something about it happening to you before...?"  
"I... I said that, out loud?"  
"Not too loud... But I was closer than Trevor and I heard you"  
"Oh"  
"So, will you tell me? What you meant by that? I mean, what happened... Before?"

Nicky slowly sat up, separating himself from Mark. The younger boy sat up too, facing his blonde friend. Nicky held Mark's eye for a brief moment before looking away.

"It was a long time ago" Nicky told him. "Before I met you lads"  
"You... You weren't raped, were you?" Mark had been afraid to ask but he knew Nicky's answer could explain a lot. Yet the blonde shook his head.

"No... Not exactly. He, uh, he just liked it a little rough... You know? And, sometimes it was a little rougher than I would have liked"  
"How did it... How did you... Who was he?"  
"He played football, was on the team. It was weird at first for me... I was a long way from home, my family, friends and Gina. But I was doing something I wanted to be doing so it didn't *really* bother me that much... And, being gay had never once crossed my mind but being surrounded by all those lads and watching them showering together after practice... I don't know, it triggered something I guess"  
"Sounds like heaven" Mark joked. Nicky smiled at him.

"Anyway, I started to avoid the change rooms after practice. To remove myself from the... Shall we say temptation? I would time it so I'd turn up to shower just as everyone else was leaving. But *he* started to notice"  
"He?"  
"Let's just call him... Brad, okay?"  
"Brad"  
"So, Brad realized what I was doing and started to hang back... So he'd still be there when I arrived. One afternoon, I came in and he was there... Waiting for me... Under the flowing water of the showers and he just... He started jerking off in front of me"

Nicky stopped and Mark stared at him in engrossed silence. He was eager for Nicky to move forward with his story but didn't want to appear too eager. The blonde was staring down at his own hands. Mark reached out, cautiously, and took Nicky's hand in his own. The older boy slowly looked up and met Mark's gaze. Nicky's deep blue orbs were glassy with tears.

"I don't really remember exactly what happened... Just that one minute he was jacking off and the next... I was against the wall and he was pounding into me. It felt so... Amazing, incredible and like nothing I'd ever felt before. He had me begging, pleading for more"  
"So... He didn't hurt you?"  
"No, not that time... But I went home with him that night. And he started to get rough with me... Nothing too bad at first, nothing I couldn't handle. After a few weeks, it started to get worse. But I didn't want to end it because it wasn't always like that. Some nights, most nights, he'd hold me and we'd make love all night... But other times..." 

"Nicky... I know what you said before" Mark asked. "But I have to ask again, I need to know... Did he ever rape you?"  
Nicky slowly nodded, refusing to look up.  
"Once"  
"Oh, Nicky"  
"I know... I know I just said he didn't but he did. Just not in the out and out 'rape' way... I mean, he was my boyfriend at the time and we'd had sex loads of times before. I just wasn't up for it and I said no but he... He did it anyway... Then, when he realized what he'd done... That he'd hurt me, he promised never to do it again"  
"And... He didn't keep his word?"  
This time, Nicky shook his head.  
"One night he tried to... I said no but he didn't listen... And I managed to stop him. How, I'll never know... I just remember that I stopped him. I stopped him before he could hurt me but I never trusted him again..." Nicky paused for a moment. "He promised he'd never do it again, just like Shane promised last night"

"That... That's why you pushed Shane away?" Mark asked.  
Again, Nicky nodded.  
"I can't go through that again" Nicky sobbed. "I don't want it to happen again... I couldn't take it if Shane tried again to..."  
"Hey, it's okay"

Mark moved closer to Nicky and wrapped his arms around the older boy. His heart went out to his blonde friend, who had now collapsed in Mark's arms with tears rolling down his cheeks. Mark slowly lay back, resting his head against the headboard and pulling Nicky down with him. The older boy nestled his body against Mark's, buried his face in his friend's chest and quietly sobbed.

"Nicky..." Mark began, deciding to try and play 'good Samaritan'. "You do know that Shane isn't Brad, right?"  
"I... I know" Nicky admitted. "But it doesn't change the fact that he did the same thing"  
"Well... Can I ask...? Why didn't you stop him?"  
Nicky looked up at Mark.  
"Shane... If you knew what he was going to do...? Why didn't you try to stop him?"  
Nicky shrugged his shoulders.  
"I... I don't know. I... I guess because I... I asked him to stop... To wait... And I thought he would, but he didn't"  
"Nicky-"  
"That's not how I imagined my first time with Shane, okay? I guess I was just surprised how quickly it all happened. We were in the Kitchen and I was making coffee... Then he kissed me. Before I knew it, he was carrying me to his bed..."

"So... He was pretty 'together' for someone who'd been drinking..."  
"Mark!"  
"You're thinking it, too. Maybe he wasn't really as drunk as he made out. Maybe he was only pretending to be drunk to see how you'd react"  
"Mark, No!"  
"You said yourself, he carried you into his bedroom and... Clearly, he was able to 'get it up'... Even with a large amount of alcohol in him..."  
"No, he was drunk. I could smell it on his breath, could taste it in his kisses and I... I could see it in his eyes"

"So why didn't you stop him?" Mark demanded.  
"I don't know!" Nicky cried. "I... I wanted him. I love him and... And I wanted to be with him"  
"So you just let him ra-"  
"Mark!" Nicky cut him off, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Please? Stop it! You're not making me feel any better"

"I'm sorry" Mark instantly apologized. He carefully sat up, bringing Nicky with him and placed his hand on Nicky's tear-stained cheek.  
"I'm sorry" he said again. "I just can't stand it. I hate that you're hurting, that one of our friends hurt you. I hate that you didn't try to stop it. And... And I hate that I don't know how to help you"  
"But you've already done more than enough" Nicky said honestly.  
"No, I haven't. I want to do more"  
"Mark-"  
"I mean it. I want to be the one to help you. The one to wipe away your tears. The one to hold you when you sleep..."  
"And you have been. You're here for me now... Have been here all night. When I needed you, you were there for me. You've always been there for me... Whenever I needed someone who wasn't Shane, there you were... My best friend and confidant"  
"But I... I want to be more"

Without stopping to think of the consequences or ramifications of his actions, Mark removed his hand from Nicky's cheek and placed it behind his neck. Then he slowly drew closer and gently captured Nicky's lips with his own.


	6. Chapter 6

Shane had climbed out of Kian's car and disappeared inside his home without saying a word. The younger boy had been confused, unsure if he should stay with him or not. In the end, he'd stepped out of his car and made his way inside. After wandering through the house for ten minutes and not being able to find Shane, he'd given up the search and went into one of the guest rooms.  
There he'd found Shane, crying to himself and hugging a pillow to his chest. Kian had walked into the room, kicked off his shoes and crawled onto the bed with Shane. He didn't say a word. Instead, he took the pillow off his friend then he pulled the brunette into his arms. It was a long time before Shane finally cried himself to sleep.

****

The following morning, Shane awoke to the disappointment that the blonde holding him was Kian, not Nicky. He separated himself from Kian and climbed off the bed. He dropped down to the floor and crawled under the bed, looking for something. He finally found the item and pulled it from its dusty hiding place. He resurfaced holding the box in his hands. Holding it tightly, he sat down on the edge of the bed and opened it. He reached inside and retrieved a folded piece of paper.  
With trembling hands, he unfolded the page and started to read it.

Kian awoke to find Shane sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching a piece of paper and silently crying to himself. The younger boy rubbed his eyes, wiping sleep from his eyes and masking his sadness. He couldn't believe Shane still had tears to shed. As he watched Shane, he realized how much he missed his friend's smile.

"Shane?" Kian asked.  
Startled, Shane dropped the piece of paper and looked at Kian.  
"What's with the paper?" he asked. "It's not a suicide note, right?"  
Shane shook his head. He picked it up and, with trembling hands, handed it to Kian. The blonde took the page and looked at it.  
It was a letter, in Shane's handwriting... Dated almost a year ago and addressed to Nicky.  
"Go on" Shane urged him. "Read it"  
"Are you sure?" Shane nodded.

Shane averted his eyes, not wanting to see the expression on Kian's face. After a few minutes, Kian reached out and took Shane's hand.  
"I'm sorry, Shane" Kian said. "I had no idea you felt so strongly about him... And for so long... Why didn't you give this to him?"  
"I wanted to" Shane confessed. "But I was scared. Scared that he wouldn't feel the same way"  
"So you kept your feelings hidden... From us?"  
"I had to... I didn't want anyone to know"  
"Maybe you should show this to him now?"  
"Now?" Shane almost laughed. "It's a little late for that now... Don't you think?"  
"No, it's not... I mean, it's not like your feelings for him have changed that much"  
"They haven't changed... But they've grown. I love him. I love his smile, and that twinkle he gets in his eye when he's happy. I love his childish, competitive streak and... And the way he sticks his tongue out when he's trying to hide the fact that he's nervous... I even love his stupid fear of lifts and the way he scolds himself for being afraid of them..."  
"So, tell all that to him!"  
"He won't want to listen to me... Not now... What I did was unforgivable"

Suddenly, Kian burst out laughing. Shane stared at him in horror.  
"You... You think this is funny?"  
"No! I was... I was just thinking about that time I spilt red wine all over his favorite *white* Gucci shirt"  
"Oh... Yeah, that was pretty funny" Shane smiled.  
"That was supposed to be unforgivable too, remember?"  
"He made you buy him three new ones to replace it... And he didn't speak to you for over a month"  
"But he still forgave me... Even after he cried for an hour, all over a shirt"  
"An hour? Was it really that long?"  
"Well of course it felt shorter to you. That hour was spent in your arms, crying on your shoulder..."  
"I still have that shirt you know" Shane confessed. "Never got around to washing it though... Still smells like him too"

"You're obsessed, Shane!"  
"I'm in love, Ki!"  
"That you are..." Kian agreed before shifting the conversation. "So, are you going to call him? Talk to him about yesterday?"  
"I... I think so. But I think I'll wait till this afternoon... Give us both a little time. I need to practice how to grovel"  
"Shane-"  
"I swear I won't stop there either. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right!"  
"I know. I know you will, Shane"  
"I'll make this up to him... I'll win his trust back or die trying"  
"Well you can't do that on an empty stomach... How about some breakfast?"  
"Sounds good to me... Hey, Ki?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Thanks for staying here with me last night... And... And for not judging me about what I did, shunning me the way Mark did, like I deserved"  
"Shane, you're one of my best friends... I'll always be here for you and I know that you didn't mean to hurt Nicky. You love him and... And you'll be friends with him again real soon"  
"But that's the thing... I want more than his friendship"  
"One step at a time, Shane... Just take it one step at a time"

-*-*-*-*-

Mark's lips softly caressed Nicky's in a tender and loving embrace. He felt Nicky's body tense at his intimate touch but he started to relax when he felt the older boy returning his kiss. Mark held the kiss for a long as he dared to.  
He hadn't meant to do it. During the past twenty four hours, Nicky's life had taken a dramatic turn and the last thing Mark wanted to do was complicate it further.

"Mark?" Nicky began.  
"I'm sorry" Mark interrupted. "I... I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong and inappropriate and I'm sorry"

"I made you touch my ass" Nicky said the first thing that came to mind.  
"Yes, you did. And it was a very nice ass" Mark tried to lighten the tension that had filled the room.  
Nicky stifled a laugh.  
"I... I'm really sorry" Nicky tried again. "If I'd known, I wouldn't have... It made you uncomfortable... I... I had no idea you felt that way about me, Mark"  
"But you don't feel the same" Mark finished.  
"I didn't say that... I just... I don't know. This has really come out of left field"

"You... You kissed me back"  
"Yes but I was..." Nicky trailed off, stopping himself from saying the wrong thing.  
"Thinking of Shane" Mark filled in Nicky's silence.  
"Confused" Nicky refused to admit that Mark had been right.

"We're not all like them" Mark told him.  
"Them?" Nicky asked.  
"Brad... Shane..."  
"Mark-" Nicky sighed.  
"I would never hurt you like they did"  
"I know"

Nicky pulled away from Mark and buried his face in his hands. He didn't need this right now. He couldn't cope with all this. Not now. He needed to decide how he felt about Shane. He needed to try and salvage their friendship first. But he knew it'd be hard to make things right with Shane if he entered into a relationship with Mark.  
He'd be lying if said he'd never considered anything more with Mark. The younger boy was his friend, band mate and co-worker. He'd known him for years and trusted him almost as much as he trusted Shane. Although, right now his trust in Shane had wavered while his trust in Mark had never been higher.  
But in all his years of knowing Mark, he'd never once thought of him as a possible lover. A one night stand or the occasional 'romp' had crossed his mind. But his fear of intimacy with men (thanks to 'Brad') had made it impossible for him to take things further with Mark... That and he didn't want to loose the strong friendship they shared.  
The more he thought about it, he couldn't deny that his feelings for Mark were a lot stronger than those of friendship. Something had bought him here to Mark now. Whenever Shane was unavailable to him, the blonde would instinctively turn to Mark... Out of friendship or something more? He was unsure.

"Nicky?" Mark asked. "Are you alright?"  
"I can't" Nicky cried.  
"Can't what?"  
"Do this!"  
"Nicky?"  
"You... You're screwing with my head. Trying to distract me so I won't think about Shane and what he did. I... I can't decide how I feel about you until I know how I feel about him"  
"You... You mean you still love him? Even after he raped you?"  
"Everyone I've ever loved has tried to rape me..." Nicky spat. "Shall I rip my own clothes off right now so you can have a crack? Or would you prefer to do that yourself?"

Mark reached out and wrapped his arms around Nicky. The blonde finally let his tears loose. Stream after stream of salty tears spilled down his cheeks and still, Mark held him. The brunette held him close, gently rocking him in his arms. The older boy was trembling harder than Mark had ever seen him before.

"Shhhh" Mark soothed him. "It's okay, Nix. I've got you"  
"I'm sorry" Nicky sobbed. "I didn't mean that"  
"I know you didn't... And I'd prefer you not rip those clothes off, they are mine in case you'd forgotten"

Nicky almost smiled at Mark's attempted joke. The brunette started to stroke his hand through Nicky's short blonde locks. After several minutes, the older boy began to calm down. His body stopped trembling and his tears began to dry up. He turned and looked at Mark. Without saying a word, he slipped his arms around the younger boy and returned his embrace.  
Mark paused, frozen in place. He dared not move for fear of startling Nicky. The blonde rested his chin on Mark's shoulder and held him close. Mark tightened his hold on Nicky, offering him all the comfort he needed.

Nicky's lips caressed Mark's neck ever so lightly. At first, Mark thought he'd imagined the touch. Then he felt Nicky's kisses along his jaw. The older boy's face was nuzzled against his own and Nicky's lips met with Mark's. The brunette returned Nicky's passionate kiss with an equally hungry desire.

Time passed in a blur to the younger boy. Before he knew it, he was lying on his back with Nicky on top of him and they were joined at the lips. Mark closed his eyes and pulled Nicky's body to him... As his tongue sneaked its way into the blonde's delicious mouth, Mark forced himself to hold back a smile. He was in his own vision of heaven and he never wanted to leave it.


	7. Chapter 7

Nicky tried to relax, tried to accept Mark's caresses. He wanted it, he needed it. He wanted to be touched, loved and wanted. He needed the intimacy and he trusted Mark. Mark would never hurt him... Just like Shane never would... The blonde tried to push that thought from his mind.  
Mark's tongue massaged Nicky's lips and the brunette reminded himself to go slow. He'd wanted Nicky for so long but he promised himself he wouldn't take this any further. The blonde was still recovering from yesterday’s ordeal. And Mark out-right refused to let himself hurt Nicky.  
As Nicky submitted to Mark, he found himself able to relax. This felt nice. He felt safe and secure in Mark's arms. And his kisses were like gentle promises. Promises to protect and love him. The younger boy slid his hand around Nicky's waist and, instinctively, ground his hips against the blonde's. Nicky's eyes flew open and he leapt away from Mark. 

Mark was burning with his desire for Nicky. His body felt like it was on fire and he feared he'd burnt Nicky.  
"God!" Nicky cried. "Why?"  
"Nicky?" Mark enquired.

Nicky slid further down the bed, moving away from Mark. He hadn't meant to react like that. It had been so nice until then. He shook his head, buried his face in his hands and cursed himself for his childish behavior.  
"Nicky?" Mark called. "I'm sorry. What... What did I do wrong?"  
The blonde shook his head, refusing to look at the younger boy and too afraid to explain himself.

"It's... uh... This" Mark pointed to his tumescent arousal. "Isn't it?"  
The older boy was still refusing to look at him so he couldn't answer Mark's question.  
"It's okay, Nix" Mark told him. "This isn't the first time you've had this effect on me... Although, I did enjoy your active participation this time"  
"Stop" Nicky sobbed. "It's not 'okay'... What the hell is wrong with me?"  
"You're scared, that's all. And it's understandable. You were physically assaulted, Nicky. And that's going to take some time to recover from"  
"But... But I got you all... Excited and I can't... Can't follow through with it"  
"Hey, it was worth it"  
"But-"  
"No! Not another word, Nicky. I'll tell you what, How about we have some breakfast? You can go downstairs and see what I've got that edible... And I'll go take a shower (and get rid of this)" Mark pointed between his legs. "Then I'll meet you in the Kitchen"

Nicky looked uncertain but he reluctantly nodded. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten something. Mark smiled at him. He leaned forward, preparing to kiss Nicky's lips. The blonde turned at the last second and Mark kissed his cheek instead.

"If you wanna change" Mark suggested. "Help yourself to anything of mine, okay?"  
"You don't mind?" Nicky asked.  
"Course not... I like seeing you in my clothes... But, uh, you... You might wanna try the bottom drawer..."

Mark climbed off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Nicky made his way over to the dresser. He squatted on the floor and opened the bottom drawer. He pushed aside Mark's denim jacket and paused.  
A pair of faded jeans and a pale blue t-shirt were right under his nose. He recognized these items as they belonged to him. He had, until now, believed he'd accidentally left them behind in a hotel room in Sweden. He pulled them from the drawer and noticed they'd been washed.  
He changed quickly before making his way downstairs. He walked into the hall and found his jacket on the coat rack. Reaching into the pocket, he located the keys for his BMW. Then he set about finding his cell phone. He could still hear the shower running so he pulled his jacket on. He slipped his phone into his pocket, walked out the front door and across the yard. He carefully climbed into his car and started the engine.

Nicky felt bad for walking out on Mark but he didn't feel like explaining right now. This was something he had to do. Something he should have done a long time ago. It was something that couldn't wait any longer but once he'd done it... He'd have control of his life again and he'd be able to decide, once and for all, who possessed his heart.

-*-*-*-*-

Shane hadn't said a word since leaving the guest room. He and Kian had now finished breakfast and were sitting at the Kitchen table drinking tea. Kian was reading the newspaper while Shane was lost in his own thoughts.  
Each time Kian had attempted to make conversation, the older boy had just stared at him with a blank, vacant expression on his face. He knew there was nothing he could do, nothing that could change the past. Therefore, his being there now didn't achieve anything. But the young blonde was nervous about leaving Shane alone. Given the state of mind the brunette appeared to be in, Kian was forced to remind himself that he wasn't on suicide watch. He wasn't completely convinced that Shane would try to 'off' himself but he'd be lying if he said the thought hadn't crossed his mind.

When Shane stood up and left the room, Kian didn't follow him. He knew his friend was hurting but wouldn't appreciate being stalked in his own home. As far as he was concerned, Shane knew he was there and would come to him if he needed to talk. So he remained at the table, drinking his tea and reading the paper. All the while, keeping his ear alert for any indication that Shane was doing something he shouldn't.  
Once he'd finished the paper, not taking in a word of it, he decided to look for his band mate. A good twenty minutes had passed since Shane's exit so he immediately ruled out the obvious choices that Shane had gone to the bathroom or the shower.

As he made his way up the stairs, a very strong stench tickled his nose. He walked down the hall and saw the bathroom door ajar. Hesitantly, he reached out and pushed the door open. Shane was standing with his back to the door, Kian watched in shock as his friend lit a match and tossed it into the bathtub. The smelly contents of the tub were instantly engulfed in flames. He opened his mouth to protest but Shane collapsed on the floor. He hurried to his side and knelt beside him.  
The brunette's hands were shaking and his eyes were glistening with tears. He pulled Shane to his feet, led him out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. Once there, Kian noticed the sheets and duvet had been stripped from the bed. He then realized what Shane had been doing in the bathroom.  
He tried to usher Shane to the bed but the brunette refused. Kian sighed and decided to let him be. He released his friend then returned to the bathroom to put the small fire out. He turned the tap on and watched the water flow into the tub. Leaving the water running, he returned to the bedroom and sat down on the floor beside Shane.

"Nicky's blood" Shane said, his voice void of all emotion. "I... I cold never use those sheets again"  
"Shane, its okay" Kian tried to reassure him.  
"I did that to him... I made him bleed"  
"Why?"

The word had slipped out before Kian could stop himself. Shane blinked at him in confusion.  
"You... You said you heard him say no. So why did you do it?"  
"I... I..."  
"Shane?"  
"I don't know! I... I'd wait so long to have him and... And he'd changed his mind. He was in my bed. I saw it in his eyes... He, he wanted it as much as I did. I don't understand why he panicked. And... And I just didn't listen. I thought he'd be okay once we got into it... I was jerk. I finally had him and I wasn't able to let him go"  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked"  
"I've lost him... I wanted to be closer to him and now I've just pushed him further away... Straight to Mark"  
"Don't say it like that. You make it sound sinister. Mark's just taking care of him, like I'm here helping you"  
"But you're not trying to get in my pants... But then you saw what I did to get into Nicky's..."  
"What are you talking about? You think Mark is? No way"  
"He is, Kian. He fancies Nicky. This is probably a dream come true for him. He was always jealous of my friendship with Nicky"  
"Shane-"  
"It wouldn't surprise me if Mark was making a move on my Nicky right now"  
"Well, I'm sure Mark wouldn't do that. He cares about Nicky, sure... We all do. But Nicky's upset and vulnerable right now..."  
"Exactly! The perfect time for Mark to strike!"  
"But" Kian began softly. "He's not yours Shane"  
"What?" Shane asked.  
"Nicky. He's not yours. If Mark's into him and 'makes his move'... There's nothing you can do about it"  
"NO! Don't say that, Ki!"  
"I'm sorry. I know it hurts but it's true"  
"No, Nicky doesn't belong with Mark. He... He belongs with me"

But Shane choked over these words. Then he wiped the tears from his cheeks. He refused to admit, even to himself, that Kian was right.

-*-*-*-*-

Mark climbed out of the shower feeling relieved and refreshed.

He felt awful for upsetting Nicky. He had had the blonde right where he wanted him and Nicky had been open to it, accepting it and him. Yet the effect Nicky had on Mark was what had scared the older boy away. A part of him could almost understand what Shane had done. While Mark, himself, knew he could never do something like that to Nicky, he knew Shane had been drinking. If the alcohol had affected his brain, even a little... Mark sighed. If Nicky had affected Shane as he had Mark and Shane had been drunk, it was no wonder Shane had forcefully taken it from the beautiful blonde. Mark had needed to restrain himself from taking things too far himself.

He dried himself and walked into the bedroom. The clothes Nicky had borrowed from him were folded neatly on the end of the bed. He walked over to them, picked up the shirt and held it up to his face. He inhaled deeply. It smelt like Nicky. He quickly put it down and got dressed before making his way downstairs.

"I don't think I have any cereal" Mark began. "But there should be enough bread for-"

The brunette paused, mid-sentence. The Kitchen was empty. He called out to his friend but received no reply. As he stepped into the hall, he noticed Nicky's jacket was missing. Resisting the urge to panic, he walked into the living room and looked out the window. Nicky's car wasn't in the drive.

Mark grabbed his keys and raced outside. He climbed into his car and started the engine. Ten minutes later he was driving past Shane's house. Kian's car was parked in the drive but there was no sign of Nicky's BMW. He drove home via Kian's house, in case Nicky had gone looking for him. He knew Nicky had to have a good reason for just taking off. He returned home and hurried back inside. Since Nicky had left without telling him, there had to be a reason, so Mark knew that phoning him wouldn't do any good.

Mark told himself that now would be a good time to panic.


	8. Chapter 8

Nicky unlocked the front door of his home and walked inside. He headed straight for the Study. The blonde singer sat down at the desk and opened the bottom drawer. He rummaged through the old magazines, newspapers and letters until he found what he'd been looking for. He retrieved the address book and flicked through it, looking for a particular name.  
There he found a name, address and phone number. The date scrawled beside the cell phone number was almost two years old so he decided to dial the home number instead.  
After three rings, a male voice answered.

"Hi" Nicky began. "I... Uh... I'm not sure if I have the right number... I'm trying to reach a Derek Anderson..."  
"Can I ask who is calling?"  
"Um... It's Nicky... Nicky Byrne... He and I used to play football together..."  
"So we did... Wow, Nick. It's great to hear from you"  
The voice on the other end suddenly sounded much friendlier.  
"Hi Derek" Nicky continued. "I didn't recognize your voice"  
"And I you... thought you were some reporter or something. How have you been?"  
"Not bad, yourself?"  
"Good, Good"  
"How's Val? And the kids?"  
"They're all fine... But what can I do for you? It's not like you to call out of the blue. I mean, I still send you a Christmas card every year but now I'm lucky to get one back..."  
"Yeah, I'm sorry Derek... I guess I've been busy"  
"No kidding... You being a big pop star and all"

Nicky laughed and was surprised how good it felt.  
"So, what can I do for you?" Derek asked again.  
"I uh... I'm trying to find an address or a phone number for... Taylor Steward"  
"You... You're looking for Taylor?"  
"Yeah"  
"Why? If you don't mind my asking..."  
"I... I just need to... To talk to him.... Some, uh, unresolved issues..."  
"Well, last I heard, he'd moved to Manchester... I don't have his number but I can give you his address..."  
"Thanks, I'd appreciate it"  
He wrote the address down, made small talk with his old friend for a few more minutes and promised to call again soon. Then he hung up the phone.

Nicky made his way upstairs and walked into his bedroom. He pulled his suitcase out from under the bed and began packing. He was due in London in two days anyway and could easily make it to Manchester before meeting the other lads on Thursday.  
Once the case was packed, he quickly showered then called for a taxi to take him to the airport.  
Fifteen minutes later, he heard a car in the drive and lugged his suitcase down the stairs. He opened the door and froze in surprise. Mark was standing on the front porch, his hand raised and about to knock on the door.

"Mark?" Nicky exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
"I was worried" Mark confessed. "I came downstairs and couldn't find you. I had no idea where you'd gone... I drove to Shane's and to Kian's but couldn't find your car... So I drove here..."  
"So... You... You followed me? All the way from Sligo?"  
"Of course... I was worried about you. I didn't mean to frighten you... To scare you away-" His eyes fell on the suitcase Nicky was holding and he trailed off. He looked up at Nicky who quickly averted his gaze.

"Where are you going?" he asked.  
"Going?" Nicky attempted to sound innocent.  
"Please, Nicky? Why did you take off? Where are you going?"

A noise from behind caused the two lads to cease their conversation. A man was standing at the end of the walk.  
"Taxi for Dublin Airport?" He asked.  
"Yeah" Nicky replied, looking past Mark. "That's me"  
The driver stepped past Mark and took Nicky's suitcase. The blonde went back inside to get his jacket then locked the front door. He turned around in time to see Mark loading his own suitcase into the trunk of the taxi. The older boy marched across the lawn and positioned himself between Mark and the car door.  
"What are you doing?" Nicky asked Mark.  
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Mark replied.  
"You can't come with me... You don't even know where I'm going"  
"So tell me... All I know is that you shouldn't be alone right now. And... And I want to go with you, Nix"

The blonde reluctantly stepped away from the car. Mark opened the door then indicated for Nicky to climb in. Once they were both inside the vehicle and the driver was backing down the drive, Nicky spoke.  
"Manchester" he said. "We're going to Manchester"  
Nicky didn't say another word for the remainder of the drive.

-*-*-*-*-

Mark wordlessly followed Nicky inside the Airport. He trailed him to the check-in counter and listened as Nicky enquired about the next flight to Manchester. After confirming the next available flight, booking tickets and checking their luggage, Mark was dying to know what Nicky was up to. A part of him had an inkling but he wanted to hear it from the blonde himself.  
Nicky handed a boarding pass to Mark, picked up his hand luggage then headed for the security check. Mark slipped his boarding pass into his pocket and quickly followed the older boy. They received an occasional look or smile from random travelers who recognized them but were otherwise left alone... Much to Mark's relief. He wasn't sure if Nicky was really up to being swamped by fans.  
Once clear of security, Mark gripped Nicky's arm, causing the older boy to finally stop moving. He suggested they grab a drink and Nicky agreed. They crossed the crowded room and entered a cafe. They ordered, collected their drinks then made their way to a table which was hidden in the back corner. Once seated with their drinks, Mark looked at Nicky expectantly. Nicky looked up and met Mark's eye.

"What?" Nicky asked, pretending to be confused.  
"You know what" Mark began. "What's in Manchester?"  
"There are a lot of things in Manchester, Mark. You know that"  
"I mean, what's there now? Why the sudden 'spur of the moment' dash to get there?"  
"I don't expect you to understand but..." Nicky sighed. "I'm going to see him"  
"See him?... Him who?" Realization crossed Mark's face and he paused. "Oh, you're going to see Brad?"  
"Taylor..."  
"What?"  
"Remember I just 'dubbed' him 'Brad' for the sake of the story... I didn't tell you his real name because I was worried that you'd try to find him, confront him..."  
"I probably would have... Or at least considered it"  
"Well, his real name is Taylor Steward"

Mark reached out and placed his hand over Nicky's. The blonde looked up.  
"Thank you... For trusting me" Mark whispered.  
"That's what friends do" Nicky replied.

-*-*-*-*-

Shane hung up the phone and nervously paced around the Living room. He had called Mark's house seven times but had only got the answering machine. He hadn't wanted Mark to hear him beg for Nicky's forgiveness so he'd hung up. He had then called Nicky's cell phone which had immediately diverted to voicemail. This time, not wanting to leave a message, he hung up. In one final attempt, he'd called Mark's cell phone. It too diverted to voicemail.  
He told himself not to worry but he couldn't help it. He hated knowing that Nicky was alone with Mark and that all 'distractions' (eg, cell phones) had been removed. He wished Kian hadn't left already. He'd sent him home, not wanting Kian to hear him on the phone with Nicky.  
At this point in time, he would have given anything to hear Kian's reassuring voice. All he had right now was the knowledge that Mark and Nicky were alone together and that they didn't want any interruptions. The image in Shane's mind filled his eyes with tears. It would be just like Mark to 'force' his affections on Nicky.  
'Isn't that what you did?' Shane scolded himself. He tried to push that thought aside.  
"Nicky, please?" he whispered. "I'm sorry! I am so sorry"  
He picked the phone up again but it slipped through his trembling fingers.  
"I need you, Nicky" Shane whispered. "I love you"

-*-*-*-*-

Mark had diverted the conversation and they had spent the next ten minutes talking about their upcoming trip to London. The younger boy offered to call Kian and tell him they would meet him and Shane as planned on Thursday but in London instead of Dublin. Nicky had agreed after Mark promised not to tell him they were in Manchester.  
The two singers had fallen silent and not spoken again until Mark suggested that head for their gate. Neither had really known what to say to the other as they were both lost in their own thoughts.  
Mark wasn't going to pretend he wasn't worried about Nicky but he didn't want to come out and say it either. He passed the time by trying to read his book but his mind kept straying to the blonde beside him.  
Nicky hadn't turned a single page in the newspaper he was holding. He hadn't taken in a single word of the headline, much less an entire article. His mind kept shifting to the brunette beside him, to Shane back home in Ireland and to that night with Taylor.

It had been nearly ten years ago but Nicky knew he'd never forget it. Taylor Steward had been his first (and only) male lover. But looking back, Nicky could see they'd never really been in love. They'd lusted and cared for each other but it had never been anything more.

Nicky blinked back a tear as he remembered the night he'd almost told Taylor he loved him... It was the same night Taylor had raped him. The night had started out so well. It had been perfect, magical even... And the words had almost slipped out of his mouth.  
Nicky had just wanted to be held that night but his boyfriend had wanted more. More than Nicky had been willing to give.

He felt Mark's hand on his arm and he realized he'd been trembling. The last thing he wanted was to have a nervous breakdown on a plane full of people. He placed his hand over Mark's and smiled at his friend. A part of him was glad that Mark had insisted on coming with him. As he knew he never would have made it this far on his own.

Once they landed in Manchester and collected their luggage, Mark took charge. He had noticed Nicky's erratic behavior during the flight and he decided to ease his friends stress by taking control of the situation. He led Nicky over to the car rental desk and twenty minutes later, Mark was pulling out of the Airport car park.   
The clock in the car read 19:23. It hadn't occurred to him how late it had gotten. He suggested going straight to a hotel, ordering room service and starting fresh the next morning. Nicky had simply shrugged, not wanting to make a decision or think about his upcoming confrontation with Taylor.

Before he knew it, he was standing in the doorway to one of the executive suites of the Hilton hotel. He looked over at Mark, who was standing by the window but looking at Nicky with concern in his eyes. The older boy walked over to his friend. He pulled him into a hug and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.  
"Thank you" Nicky whispered.  
"I'm gonna get us some dinner" Mark stated.

Nicky nodded in agreement before heading into one of the bedrooms. He heard Mark on the phone as he placed his suitcase on the bed. He opened the lid and reached inside the hidden pocket. When he retracted his hand, he was clutching a photograph. As he stared at the image, tears welled in his eyes. He climbed onto the bed and curled up into a ball.

"Be about twenty minutes" he heard Mark call out to him.  
"Okay" Nicky called back.

It had been a long, exhausting day. A three hour drive from Sligo followed by an hour flight from Dublin. Nicky sighed. He reached up, grabbed one of the pillows then tucked it under his head. He decided twenty minutes was long enough for a quick nap. All he wanted was to sleep. Sleep now and in the morning discover that all this was only a dream.


	9. Chapter 9

Mark tipped the waiter then pushed the trolley into the Dining room. He placed the bottle of wine beside the table then set about organizing the plates and their meals. Once everything was ready, he went to fetch Nicky. He knocked on the door then went inside. The older boy was fast asleep on the bed. Mark approached, slowly and quietly, not wanting to startle the blonde. Once he reached the bed, he stopped.

Nicky had had a long day and Mark wanted nothing more than to just let him sleep. But he also knew the older boy hadn't eaten all day either. He reached out to gently wake him and his eyes fell on a photograph, which was on the bed beside Nicky. Mark reached out and picked it up.  
The image was one he didn't recognize. Shane and Nicky had their arms around each others shoulders. Given the odd angle of the photo, one of them must have been holding the camera at arms length and they were both sticking their tongues out. Nicky's eyes were filled with a passionate fire. It was a look Mark knew all to well and one that he'd only ever seen directed at Shane.

Mark put the photograph back down then placed his hand on Nicky's shoulder. Not able to resist, he placed his other hand on Nicky's forehead and gently stroked his hand through Nicky's hair. The older boy stirred, reached up and took Mark's hand in his own. Then he bought it down to his lips and gently kissed the palm.  
The younger boy felt a jolt of excitement pass through his body but he resisted the urge to lean down and kiss Nicky's inviting lips.

"Food's here" Mark told him.  
"Thanks" Nicky replied, slowly sitting up.  
He stifled a yawn and Mark smiled.  
"What?" Nicky asked after realizing Mark was smiling.  
"Nothing... Let's just eat, okay?"  
"Okay"  
Nicky reached out and grabbed Mark's hand. The younger boy tried not to react. Nicky was sending him way too many mixed signals. He willingly accepted any form of comfort Mark offered and was now seeking his caress yet he was carrying with him a photograph of Shane.

When they reached the Dining room, Nicky spotted the bottle of wine but didn't say anything. He simply sat down and looked over Mark's food choices.  
"I wasn't sure what you felt like eating" Mark admitted.  
"Anything's fine" Nicky confessed. "I'm starving"

They ate in silence for the next few minutes, neither knowing what to say to the other. Nicky realized this was only about the third time he and Mark had eaten dinner alone in a hotel room together. They normally went out, down to the hotel restaurant or were joined by Shane & Kian.  
Nicky had lost count of the amount of dinners he'd had alone with Shane... And it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to eat with Kian. But that was usually when Mark & Shane were held up in the recording studio.

The older boy opened the bottle of wine and poured two glasses. He handed one to Mark and kept the other for himself.  
"To friendship" Mark stated, holding up the glass.  
"Friendship..." Nicky agreed. "And maybe more"  
The last part he said under his breath but Mark's keen hearing picked it up. He wanted so badly to lean across the table and kiss his band mate but he refrained. Nicky was still upset and confused. Mark knew he needed to back right off until Nicky could 'have it out' with his ex.

"Mark?" Nicky began, almost nervously.  
"Yes?" Mark replied.  
"Uh, I was wondering... This morning... Why did you have my clothes?"  
Mark blinked several times then smiled.  
"You left them in a hotel in Sweden... I'd gone back before checking out to grab my jacket. And I decided to go back and quickly check the other rooms in case someone else forgot something. I found them kinda half under the bed... I knew they were yours so I picked them up and tossed them in my suitcase. I meant to give them back to you but you never mentioned it and I forgot about them... Until I found them in my drawer last week"  
"Oh"  
"What? Did you think I'd broken into your suitcase and stole them?"  
"No, of course not"

Nicky smiled. It was going well so far. He told himself he could do this. He had had several short term relationships with women which had all been okay but never perfect... Perhaps because he knew all along that what he wanted most of all was a lasting relationship with a man.  
And sitting here now, in a comfortable silence with Mark... He had no reason to doubt that he couldn't have a relationship with Mark... Or even Shane.  
But if that that were true, he asked himself... Why am I in Manchester? Why am I stirring up all these repressed memories?  
Nicky forced himself to hold back a sigh. I need to know that he's sorry for what he did.

"Nicky?" Mark asked, curiously.  
"What?" Nicky replied, confused by the tone in Mark's voice.  
"Shane... Or B- Taylor?"  
"What?"  
"You... You just said you need to know he's sorry...."  
"I.... Oh, I said that out loud?"  
"Yeah. You're off with the pixies at the moment"  
"Sorry, I guess I've got a lot on my mind"  
"No kidding" Nicky smiled. "Well, I really hate to say this but Shane is sorry... As much as I hate him right now, I don't doubt that he's sorry he hurt you... But I'm guessing you already knew that... So were talking about Taylor? You feel that you need to know that he's sorry for what he did to you all those years ago"

"I never saw or spoke to him again... Was he even sorry I left? Did I mean anything to him or was I just convenient? Everything changed for me when I left... I left him and went back home. I gave up on my career because I couldn't bear to see him again. I didn't even think about it. I just packed up and left. Then I spent a whole year trying to decide if I'd done the right thing or not" Nicky paused for a moment. "But the day I walked into that audition... It was the first time ever that I didn't think about him"  
"Really?" Nicky nodded. "You were that nervous, huh?"  
"No" Nicky said shaking his head, a sad smile dancing across his lips.  
"Then what? What was it at the audition that made you forget about him?"

Nicky paused, not looking at Mark. He couldn't lie to the younger boy so he tried to be light-hearted and casual.  
"I saw Shane" Nicky shrugged. "And it was like nothing else in the world mattered anymore"  
He raised his glass and took a long swig from it, all the while not looking at Mark.

An uneasy tension had instantly filled the room. Mark had always known there was a special bond between Nicky and Shane. He was suddenly reminded of Shane's comment at the auditions.  
Once Nicky had left the stage, Shane had turned to Kian and whispered,  
"He's perfect"  
Mark, who had been eavesdropping, had heard Kian's uncertain response,  
"But he's a footballer... You really think he's right for the band?"  
He had forced himself not to laugh when Shane came back with a daft,  
"What band?"

Shane had been smitten with Nicky from the beginning but that didn't excuse or change what he had done. In Mark's eyes, Shane had raped Nicky and nothing he could say or do would ever change that.

"Mark?" Nicky's soft voice interrupted his convoluted thoughts.  
"Hmmm?" Mark asked.  
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have told you"  
"You were being honest"  
"I know"

"Do you love me?"

Nicky dropped his knife, totally surprised by Mark's sudden, personal question.  
Mark was holding his own fork so tightly, his knuckles had turned white. He knew his impulsive question had put Nicky on the spot but he craved an answer. He didn't know what had possessed him to be so forward. Never before had he been so anxious to hear Nicky speak.  
The older boy's eyes had filled with tears and Mark's heart instantly sank. This time, he refused to meet Nicky's gaze. He stared at his hands and realized his fingers were cramping so he relaxed his grip.

"I don't know" Nicky whispered.  
"Do you still love Shane?" Mark cursed himself for asking.  
"I don't know"  
"I love you"

They both finally looked at each other. Nicky's eyes were still filled with tears but he refused to let them fall. He looked into Mark's eyes and knew the brunette was being one hundred percent sincere.  
"I know" Nicky nodded.  
"And... Shane loves you" Mark almost choked on those words.  
Again Nicky nodded.

"I... I wish I didn't have to choose" Nicky confessed. "You're my best friend, Mark. But so is Shane (and Kian). I would do anything for you or them. When Shane was upset, I chose to drive all the way to Sligo to be with him. But when he hurt me, I went straight to you because I knew you'd take care of me... And you did. Then when I left, you drove all the way to Dublin to be with me. And... And you're the one who's here with me now. I really don't think I could have gotten on that plane without you... I would have wanted and needed to but I don't think I could have done it... 

Yet, if Shane hadn't done what he did, we wouldn't be here right now. I'm sorry that I can't decide right here, right now, how I feel about you... Or Shane... Or even Taylor... All I know is that I'm scared!"  
"Nicky"  
"I... I'm scared because the longer I sit here with you; the more I have to resist the temptation to lean across and..." Nicky took a deep breath then lowered his voice. "Kiss you"  
"Oh"   
"No... I'm scared because I don't know if I want to kiss you because you're you or if it's because you're here with me now and will if I want you to"

"I'm sorry Shane screwed up your life, Nicky"  
"It wasn't Shane, Mark. It was me. If... If I'd just dealt with this whole Taylor thing sooner... Then, I don't know... Maybe none of this would have happened"  
"And we wouldn't be sitting here right now"  
"Probably not"  
"Then... Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm kinda glad I'm here with you right now"

Nicky's face almost broke into a smile.  
"Uh, despite the circumstances and the occasional awkwardness we keep experiencing... I could be glad too"


	10. Chapter 10

By the following morning, Shane was a wreck. He'd lost count of the amount of times he'd rang Nicky's cell, Mark's cell and Mark's home. All three phones still diverted to voicemail or the answering machine. He had forced himself to stay away. Twice, he'd found himself sitting in his car ready to drive to Mark's house but he'd had to stop himself.  
He knew Nicky needed time and he was afraid the older boy wouldn't forgive him if he started stalking him. So he'd told himself to stay away, even if just for a day. And he'd kept to that. It had been immensely hard but he'd done it.  
Now he was ready to go to Nicky.

Shane knew phoning him was still the safest option but he wanted to apologize in person. He wanted to look into Nicky's eyes and deliver a heartfelt apology. He needed to see the blonde and, if possible, separate him from Mark... If only for a few moments.  
After showering and dressing in his best (Nicky's favorite) outfit, Shane was backing his car down the drive.

 

Ten minutes later he was parked outside Mark's house. He sat, hands on the wheel, completely baffled. Mark's car was missing. So was Nicky's. He knew it was pointless but climbed out of the car, walked up the front walk and knocked on the door.  
After five minutes of constant knocking, he reluctantly accepted no one was home and, defeated, went back to his car. But instead of going home, he went to the one place he could find his solitude.

-*-*-*-*-

For the second morning in a row, Mark awoke to find Nicky in his bed. But this time he could remember the older boy knocking on his door, stating he couldn't sleep and asking permission to join the brunette. Mark hadn't didn't even need to think about it. He'd just smiled, nodded and tossed back the duvet. Nicky had quickly climbed into the bed and settled down in Mark's arms.  
The brunette had still been awake, despite the late hour, reading a book but thinking about where to go from here.  
Nicky coming to him in the night hadn't really surprised him. Subconsciously, he'd been waiting for him to show up. The blonde had told him to ignore him and keep reading. But Mark found Nicky's presence too distracting. He'd pretended to read for ten minutes before finally giving up.  
He'd wrapped his arms around Nicky and they'd both fallen asleep within minutes.

"Morning" Nicky whispered.  
"Hey," Mark greeted him, having not realized Nicky was awake. "Morning" he leaned down and kissed Nicky's forehead.  
"Mark?"  
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have-"

"Are you coming with me today?" Nicky totally ignored Mark's apology.  
"No" Mark replied, watching Nicky's reaction. "I'm not"  
"What?" Nicky sat up. He pulled away from the brunette and looked at him in disbelief. "Why?"  
"I got you this far, Nicky" Mark sat up beside the blonde. "You need to do the rest on your own"  
"But I... No. I... I don't think I can"  
"Yes, Nicky. You can"  
"But I-"  
"No" Mark reached out and took Nicky's hand. "This is something only you can do for yourself. I wish I could fight this fight for you, but I can't. You just remember, I'm only a phone call away"  
"You..." Nicky was shaking, his eyes tearing up. "You tell me you love me... And now you expect me to do this on my own?"  
"I do love you" Mark insisted. "That's why I know you can do this... You don't need me for this... It has nothing to do with me. It's something you need to do. Without me, without Shane. You... You need to face up to this and confront him on your own"

"So... You, you already thought about all this?" Nicky asked.  
""Ever since you told me why we were here" Mark admitted. "I knew straight away that I wanted to go with you... But the more I thought about it... I realized I had to let you go alone"  
"But I'm scared. What am I going to say to him?"  
"Whatever is in your heart"

-*-*-*-*-

Shane was standing beside Carlton Clover, gently brushing the horse's long mane when Liam entered the stable. He paused in confusion, not expecting to find his youngest brother here. He stepped closer, ready to greet his sibling and he held back a gasp.  
Never before had he seen his brother look so worse for wear. Shane was worn down, pale and upset. His eyes were red and puffy, as though he'd been crying and his face was so pale Liam feared he was about to pass out.

"Shane?" Liam greeted him. "Shane, what happened?"  
The youngest Filan shook his head, blinking back tears and indicating that he didn't want to talk about it. He'd cried so much over the past few days that he was tired of shedding tears but was finding it harder and harder to hold them back.

"Shane?" Liam tried again. "Did you and Robin break up?"

He nodded then stepped away from the horse and his brother. Of all the members of his family, Liam was the only one who knew he was gay. He'd been the first person Shane had come out to and right now, Shane knew he needed him.

"I'm sorry..." Liam really was. "He seemed like such a nice lad"  
"He was" Shane nodded. "But... uh... He didn't like me being away all the time"  
"Oh"  
"It comes with the territory... It's hard to settle down when the band is such a huge commitment"  
"Well, there's definitely someone out there for you, bro... Maybe you need to start looking a little 'closer to home'?"  
"What are you-?"  
"Are you completely daft, Shay? I'm talking about Nicky, silly"  
"Nicky..."  
"Oh come on... You told me years ago that you fancied him... You haven't changed your mind, have you?"  
"No!... It's just that..."  
"Still don't think he feels the same?"  
"Mark fancies him too"  
"Oh"

Shane wanted so badly to tell him the truth. He longed to tell his brother what had really happened between him and Nicky but he was afraid. Sure, Liam was his family and he loved him but he couldn't imagine how his sibling would react to finding out his youngest brother was a rapist. Shane cringed at the thought of using that word.

"Does Nicky like Mark?" Liam asked, trying to connect with his distressed brother.  
"I don't know... He might now" Shane admitted.  
"What do you mean? Why now?"  
"Because I..." Shane burst into tears. Liam quickly hugged his youngest sibling as the brunette continued to sob.

"Its okay, Shane" Liam attempted to comfort him.  
"I wish I was dead" Shane whispered.  
"Oh, NO! No, Shane... Why?"  
"Because I...." Shane couldn't keep it in. He'd already lost Nicky... Loosing a brother would be just as hard. "Irapedhim"  
"You...? What...? Huh...?"  
"Nicky, Liam... I raped him"

-*-*-*-*-

Nicky cast one more, almost pleading, glance at Mark before heading for the door. He knew it was time but he was still afraid. The blonde knew Mark was right and he needed to do this on his own. But knowing that didn't make it any less frightening.

"Good luck, Nicky" Mark said, coming up beside his blonde.

Nicky threw his arms around the brunette, hugging him tightly. Mark was quick to return the embrace, afraid to let go. He knew that letting go of Nicky meant 'letting go' of Nicky. Neither one moved, both knowing what this embrace signified. Nicky's lips found Mark's and they melted together in a gentle, loving kiss.  
The world around them ceased to exist. There was no one else in this universe but the two of them. Their kiss lasted a few brief seconds but to Mark it could have been hours... Weeks... Or even months. When Nicky broke the embrace, Mark's world came crashing down around him as he snapped back to reality. 

Before he could catch his breath or say another word, Nicky had vanished out the door.

-*-*-*-*-

Liam couldn't stop the laugh that passed through his lips. He knew his youngest brother had to be playing a joke on him. Shane had never, in his life, ever been able to hurt anyone. The notion of him raping someone, anyone, was laughable... Hence his reaction to Shane's admission.  
Shane couldn't bring himself to look at Liam. He was relieved he hadn't shunned him but laughing was almost as painful as rejection. Clearly his sibling didn't believe him.

"Please, Liam" Shane begged. "Please don't tell anyone. Especially mam and dad"  
"Oh... My... God..." Liam stammered. "You... You're serious"  
"Of course I'm serious" Shane tried to remain calm. "Why would I lie about something like that?"  
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I didn't believe you. But what do you expect? I've known you your whole life and have never seen you hurt anyone... I know how much you fancy him but I can't imagine you'd do something like this"  
"It's not like I jumped him, tied him up and fucked him"  
"Hey, whatever you do in your bedroom stays in the bedroom"  
"Liam, I'd been drinking... And I kissed him. He kissed me back and we moved it into the bedroom. Everything was perfect. And... Just when we were about to... You know... He started to kinda panic. Then he... He said no. But I was so close to being with him... I didn't want him to change his mind. I wanted him, to be with him..." 

The older Filan reached out to comfort his brother but Shane pulled away.  
"When I woke up, he was gone" Shane finished. "He'd gone to Mark's"  
"Bet Mark liked that... If you say he fancies him too"  
"He wouldn't let me anywhere near him. Kian tried to talk him around..."  
"And have you seen Nicky since?"  
Shane nodded.  
"He was asleep. Then after he woke up he... I told him I was sorry, that I hadn't meant to hurt him and... I was ready to beg (on bended knee) for his forgiveness. And he said" Shane gave in to his sobs, the memory of Nicky's words still causing him pain. "He said he loved me but that... That he didn't know if he could trust me"  
Liam didn't know what to say.  
"I tried to call him yesterday but couldn't reach him. Then I went to Mark's this morning, before coming here, and neither of them were there. I called his house (in Dublin) and got nothing. So... I can't reach him, I can't talk to him and I can't find him. All I know is that he's upset, hurt and betrayed. He's mad at me (and with good reason) and he's taken off somewhere. I have no idea where he is but I'm sure Mark is with him... And knowing this... That he's alone with Mark... That's the part that hurts the most"

-*-*-*-*-

Nicky dropped the map he'd been reading on the empty passenger seat and placed his hands back on the steering wheel. He took a left turn, followed by a right and was now reading the numbers on the houses in the street. He slowly stopped outside and friendly-looking townhouse. Unsure of what to do next, he checked his hair in the mirror. Then he slipped the keys into his pocket and opened the door. With every step he took, he felt the house before him was moving further away rather than getting closer.

Finally he reached the front door. With a trembling hand, he reached out and knocked. After several moments, which felt like hours to the nervous blonde, the door opened. From the expression on the face that greeted him, Nicky knew he was the last person the home-owner had expected to see on his front step.

"Oh my God!"


	11. Chapter 11

"Nick?"  
"Dermot?"  
The two men stared at each other, both equally shocked to see the other.  
"Wow!" Dermot greeted him. "It's been a long time... What brings you here?"  
"I... uh... I was looking for... ugh... Taylor? But I... I guess I got it wrong..."  
"No... Taylor's just gone to pick up some smokes... Come on in!"

Dermot moved aside to let Nicky into the house. As Nicky stepped into the hall he didn't know what to make of this development.  
"Wow" Dermot said again. "It's good to see you"

The older boy sounded so happy, relaxed and easy-going. He led his old friend into the Living room and offered him a seat. Nicky sat down on the couch. His hands were jammed deep inside his pockets to avoid nervous fidgeting.  
"Tea? Coffee?"  
"I'm fine, thanks"  
"Nonsense! I'm putting the kettle on... Tea?"  
"Anything's fine, really" Nicky shrugged.

Dermot turned and practically bounced out of the room. Nicky watched him go, feeling strangely at ease. He stood up and walked over to the mantle. After removing his hand from his pocket, he reached out and picked up a framed photograph of Dermot & Taylor. The date told him it was recent and he placed it back on the mantle. From the looks of that image, Taylor hadn't aged a day... Though, looking at him neither had Dermot. He entered the room and saw Nicky replacing the photo.  
"That was from my last birthday" Dermot told him. Nicky nodded.  
"So... You lads are still close friends... I mean, living together and everything" Nicky stated.  
"Yeah... Friends" Dermot said sarcastically with a wide grin on his face.  
"Oh... I wasn't" Nicky mumbled, stammering his words. "I'm not suggesting... Uh, implying..."  
"It's ok, Nick. TJ & I have been partners for seven years"

The blonde, who'd been reaching for another photo, stumbled and knocked the image from the mantle. With impeccable reflexes, he managed to quickly catch the frame before it smashed to the floor.  
"I... You and Tay?... Seven years?"  
The older boy smiled and nodded. Then he left the room again. Nicky replaced the frame and moved far away, sitting back down on the couch. Dermot returned with their drinks and placed them on the table.

"So... Have, uh... You lived here long?" Nicky asked, searching for a safe conversation starter.  
The dark haired lad laughed at the blonde singer then ran his hand through his own messy, black hair.  
"I know why you're here" he began.  
Nicky tried not to look surprised but he didn't know what to say. But he hadn't expected Dermot and Taylor to be a couple either. When he looked at the older boy, he was startled to see him smiling.  
Dermot grinned at the blonde before raising his mug to his lips and taking a sip. He knew he needed to just come out and say this as he could see how ill at ease Nicky was.

"I know what happened between the two of you" Dermot continued.  
"You... You do?" Nicky asked.  
"I knew something had to have happened" Dermot shrugged. "The two of you were so close... Though I think I was the only one who knew just how close 'close' was... But you and TJ were practically inseparable then one day you just vanished and he was inconsolable. It took nearly two years for him to tell me what happened"  
"Do you love him?"  
"Nick-"  
"Even knowing what he did... Do you love him?"  
"Yes. And it was because I loved him that he told me the truth. He said he couldn't be with me because he didn't trust himself. He's never really forgiven himself for what he did to you, Nick"  
"Be... Because I never forgave him?"  
"Maybe... Is that why you're here?"  
"You said you knew why I was here"

"When he told me what he did, I convinced him to go see someone... A counselor. Some time later, we had a couple of joint sessions... To see if he was 'ready' to be with me. And the first time we fucked was..."  
"Incredibly mind-blowing" Nicky whispered. Dermot smiled.  
"It was perfect... But the counselor said that one day, you'd come looking for closure. And I’ve been waiting for you ever since"  
"Dermot"  
"Its okay" he waved his hand idly, as though brushing it away. "I was nervous for a while. Every time there was a knock at the door or the phone would ring... I'd get nervous. I was scared that you'd come back and say you'd forgiven him and wanted him back"  
"No, Dermot-"  
"But you never showed up. Then, a few years back, we went to see you in concert. That was back in '02... I was standing there with TJ and he was watching you up on stage. He had tears in his eyes but he reached out and took my hand. I asked him if he was okay and do you know what he said?" Nicky shook his head. "He said 'I've never seen him this happy... This is what he was born to do'"  
"Really?"  
"Yes"

"And he's never... I mean, with you he's?" Nicky stammered.  
"Not even once" Dermot replied. "He made a mistake and you leaving was the worst kind of punishment for him. He learnt his lesson, big time"  
"So, my coming here now... He'll be okay?"  
"I think so... He needs this as much as you do"  
"And... You?... You're okay with my being here?"  
"I know that he loves me... I don't feel 'threatened' by you, if that's what you're asking"  
"Well I'm glad and I promise I won't stay long... I have someone waiting for me, at the hotel"  
"Oh, Shane?"  
"Nah, Mark"  
"Mark? Hmmmmm"  
"Yeah... Wait! Why did you ask if it was Shane?"  
"No... No reason"

Nicky stared at him for a long time, trying to stare him down. Eventually it worked.  
"It's just that... You two seem pretty tight. We've been to all your concerts (except the first one) and you... I don't know... You just seem so happy and at ease whenever you were with him..."

They both heard it at the same time.  
A car had pulled into the drive. A fresh wave of unease washed over the younger boy.  
"I'll be right back" Dermot smiled reassuringly before standing up and leaving the room.

Nicky heard the front door open then close. Followed by Dermot's voice as he greeted his lover. The nervous blonde held his breath, straining his ear to hear what was being said.  
"...car...who...belong to?"  
Hearing that voice sent another nervous shiver down his spine and Nicky quickly tried to compose himself.  
"You have a visitor" Dermot told him.  
"Really? Who?"  
"In the Living room... You'll see"

-*-*-*-*-

Shane was just closing the gate to one of his horse's stalls when he heard a car outside. His heart instantly began to pound. He knew it couldn't be him but he hoped. He raced outside and his heart sank. Hiding his disappointment, Shane made his way over to Kian's car. The younger boy had turned off his engine and was standing beside his car, the door open with one foot on the ground and the other resting on the frame of the car.

"Thought I'd find you here" Kian called.  
"You wanna come inside?" Shane joked.  
Kian glared at his friend.  
"I couldn't reach you at home or on your cell... Figured you'd come here"  
"I don't need a babysitter, Ki"  
"Didn't say you did... Nor would I volunteer for the job"  
"Do you know where he is, Ki?"  
"So much for pleasantries"  
"I'm serious, Kian! His car's not at Mark's... And Mark's car is gone too. Please, do you know where he is?"  
"They're together and they're both fine"  
"Together?" Shane's heart sank.  
"As in... They're both at the same place, at the same time"  
"Where?"  
"Didn't say"  
"Kian!"  
"I mean it, Shane. He honestly didn't say where they were"  
"Did... Didn't you ask?"  
"Of course I asked. But Mark said he promised Nicky he wouldn't tell. He said Nicky took off yesterday morning and that he was worried about him so he followed and offered to go with him. Nicky agreed and they've gone somewhere... Said they'd meet us at the hotel in London"  
"Is he okay?"

Kian shrugged.  
"Mark seems to think so" Kian replied.  
"You disagree?" Shane asked.  
"I don't know... This whole thing is so screwed up"  
"No kidding"

"Hey Shane" Liam called, having just exited the stable and heading for his car. He stopped when he saw Kian.  
"Hi Kian" Liam waved at his brother's band mate.  
"Hey Liam" Kian replied.  
"I'm heading home... You mind closing up?" Liam asked Shane.  
"Fine... See you later"  
"Take care; call me if you need to"  
"I will and thanks"  
Liam stopped and quickly hugged his younger brother. Then he said goodbye to Kian and walked over to his car.

"You... You told Liam?" Kian asked. Shane nodded.  
"I didn't mean to... It just came out" Shane admitted.  
"How did he take it?"  
"He was ok... Promised not to tell anyone else"

"I'll be relieved once we get to London and you & Nicky can talk about this" Kian stated.  
"What if he's not ready to talk to me?" Shane asked his voice shaky.  
"I don't know... I guess we'll just have to wait and see"


	12. Chapter 12

Nicky climbed to his feet, wanting this 'reunion' to be at eye-level. He slid his hands back into his pockets, hoping Taylor wouldn't notice them shaking.  
When Taylor appeared in the doorway, Nicky felt everything and nothing at the same time. He could feel Taylor's lips on his, his arms caressing his body... his hands bruising his thighs, his hardness burning inside him... He could feel his breath on his neck and his hand on his face...  
The blonde singer couldn't move or speak. He stared at his past love, unsure of what to do next.

"Nick" Taylor's voice was laced with emotion.  
His eyes instantly filled with tears. He took a step towards the blonde, reaching out as though to hug him. It was too surreal for Nicky who instinctively took a step back. Taylor stopped mid-step and held out his hand instead. Nicky's trembling hand grasped his and, acting like civil gentlemen, they shook hands.

Nicky was the first to pull away and he quickly buried his hand back in his pocket. Taylor retracted his hand then nodded to the couch. Once Nicky had taken a seat, Taylor sat down in the armchair and Dermot momentarily sat on the armrest.  
"It's been a long time" Taylor began.  
"Long over-due" Nicky confessed, his voice husky with nerves.  
They all fell into an uncomfortable silence.  
"Well" Dermot began. "I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about. So I'll leave you to it"  
He stood up, gently squeezed Taylor's shoulder then left the room. Nicky and Taylor both looked at the other, neither one knowing what to say.

"You look good" Taylor said.  
"So do you" Nicky agreed. "You haven't changed a bit..."  
"I have... Just not on the outside... What are you doing here?"  
"I don't know"  
"I don't know what you want me to say"  
"I don't know what I want to hear"  
"Why now? Why did you wait so long?"  
"I was scared. I thought I could forget about it (and you), pretend it never happened... But I couldn't"  
"You... Couldn't?"  
"You... You're the only man I'd ever been with... And it ended badly. I was afraid it would happen again. So I never went near another man again. Until someone... Someone came along; someone whom I thought could be 'the one'. But I was scared, so I kept him at a distance. The more I wanted him, the more afraid I got..."  
"Oh, Nick. I'm sorry"  
"I finally gave in... He was a little drunk and he kissed me. I was tired of running away, of not being with him so I surrender to him... Wanting him to have me but once we were in bed... Just when we were about to... I panicked and asked him to stop" Nicky broke off as tears filled his eyes. "He didn't listen... He fucked me anyway"

Nicky buried his face in his hands, his entire body shaking with his sobs. Taylor carefully stood up, crossed the room, sat down on the couch beside the sobbing lad and pulled him into a hug.  
The blonde's body instantly tensed, not wanting Taylor to touch him but wanting the comforting embrace at the same time.  
"I'm so sorry, Nick" Taylor whispered. "I never meant to hurt you"  
"I'm scared Tay... I don't know what to do"  
"Do you still love him?"  
"I don't know... I'm scared to trust him... I mean, do you think that... That maybe... Do you think we could have made it? If I had come back... Or not left?"  
They both fell silent, each thinking about possible answers to Nicky's question.  
"I really don't know"  
"I already gave up one career, I can't do it again"  
"You mean... It's someone from the band?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"I can't leave him the way I left you but I... I don't know if I can stay either"

Taylor fell silent, watching Nicky with a heavy heart. His ex had had it rough. He'd been hurt and had left; something that took a lot of guts.  
Taylor had been devastated by Nicky's departure but it had also been a wake-up call. He'd done wrong by the blonde and had since turned his life around. But Nicky was still suffering and he was struggling to cope with his life. Taylor had been weary of entering another relationship from fear of hurting someone else. Yet Nicky had chosen to never start another relationship from fear of being hurt again. He'd finally let his guard down and taken a chance only to immediately submit to his demons, destroying his moment of happiness.

"I never meant to do this to you" Taylor told Nicky.  
"I know" Nicky replied. "But I'm stuck now. He hurt me and I did the same thing again. I ran away... I ran straight to someone else. Someone who loves me with all their heart and would NEVER do anything like that to me"  
"And now you love them both?"  
"Yes... But I can't be with both of them. I have to choose one, so someone's going to get hurt"  
"And you don't want to get hurt either"  
"But if I choose the one who hurt me... Will he hurt me again? I mean... You... You promised you wouldn't and you..."  
"I made a mistake. A terrible mistake... And after you left, I swore to myself that I'd never let it happen again. That if you came back to me, I'd kill myself before hurting you again"  
"Do you... Do you hate me for not coming back?"  
"I was upset for a long time. And when I started to fall for Dermot, I was scared that being with him would make me forget you... I thought I deserved to be alone after what I did to you... But for some reason, there he was... And he wanted to be with me. Even after he found out about it, he still loved me. He still wanted to be with me"

Again, they both fell silent, thinking over what they had been saying to each other.  
"I'm happy for you both" Nicky broke the silence.  
"Thank you" Taylor whispered. "And have you... Can you... Will you ever be able to...? To forgive me? I screwed you over [nearly ten years ago] and I got my life back but you... You've been suffering all this time! And I'm sorry... I'm truly sorry"  
"It's as much my fault as yours"  
"Nick-"  
"I should have come back sooner... Should have found a better way to handle this..."  
"I'm sorry"  
"Me too"

Nicky moved away from Taylor, shifting further along the couch and putting a safe distance between them. He wiped the tears from his eyes then looked at the older boy. He knew he'd made the right decision by coming here today.  
"This wasn't what I expected" Nicky admitted.  
"This? As in you & me?" Taylor asked. Nicky nodded.  
"I took eight wrong turns on my way here... Six were on purpose"  
"Really?"  
"Yeah..." Nicky sighed. "I couldn't even begin to imagine what would happen. And when Dermot opened the door, I thought I had the wrong address and for a moment, I was almost relieved"  
"I'm glad you finally came" Taylor reached out and took Nicky's hand. "I tried to contact you but was afraid to say who I was... You know, in case you'd told someone about me"

The blonde retracted his hand and averted his eyes.  
"I can't believe that I finally came looking for you and the first thing I say to you is 'I was stupid enough to let it happen to me again'"  
"You didn't say-"  
"Just about... I wasn't planning on telling you about it! I just wanted to know if you were sorry and to see if you'd changed... If it were possible you wouldn't hurt anyone anymore"  
"So, you came to me to see if you could have a future with him?"  
"Yeah... I... I suppose so" Nicky stammered.  
"Nick, what I did to you was wrong. You know it and I know it. I can't stress to you how sorry I am, I can only say it so many times! But if this lad is going through what I went through..." he sighed. "I loved you but I hurt you and you left me... Once you were gone, I couldn't stand knowing I'd driven you away. I hated that you didn't want to be around me anymore... You walked out on your career and your future, just to get away from me... You hated me that much! And that thought alone, nearly killed me"

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do... But this [and him] is even harder"  
"Because of the band?"  
"I can't leave Westlife, Taylor. So I'm stuck with him"  
"This may not mean much now and I'm probably starting to sound... Redundant but... If you had come back to me all those years ago... I would have moved Heaven & Earth to make it up to you. So, if he loves you even half as much as I did... Then I don't think you'll have to worry about him hurting you again"  
"Are... Are you sure?"

"You don't think so?" Taylor asked.  
"I just..." Nicky lowered his voice to a whisper. "I don't know if I ever truly loved you"  
"Oh"  
"I'm sorry! But that's what makes this soooo much harder! Because I do... Did... Love him"  
"I'm not offended, Nick. I never realized how much I cared for you until it was too late. I can't blame you for not loving me. I didn't deserve your love"  
"Tay-"  
"I'm not a part of your life anymore. Hopefully, for you, what we had will all fade into a distant memory... You have two lads who are in love with you (and who you love in return). I just hope and choose to believe that whichever one you choose, will be worthy of your love"  
"But-"  
"Just... Don't focus too much on the past... Just think about your feelings for both of them and ask yourself which one you can have a future with"  
"Taylor"  
"Don't think about the past, think of your future"

-*-*-*-*-

Mark unlocked the door to their hotel room and went inside. He closed the door behind him and walked down the hall, pausing briefly to see if Nicky was in his room. He tried not to react as he wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not.  
The younger boy had headed out not long after his friend. He'd estimated Nicky's trip would take him an hour and a half. This allowed him an hour to travel there and back with half an hour to 'visit'... Also factoring in traffic and how long it would actually take Nicky to reach the front door/ring the bell.  
He'd promised himself to be back before Nicky and, looking at his watch, was pleased he'd only been an hour.

Mark stepped into the Living Room area and stopped. Nicky was sitting on the couch, one leg tucked under his body, the other outstretched beside him. His eyes were gazing, unfocused, at the television (which was turned off) and he was hugging a pillow to his chest.  
"Nicky?" Mark's voice sounded foreign to his own ears.

For a moment, he feared Nicky hadn't really gone. Then the clock above the TV caught his eye and he mentally kicked himself. His watch had stopped and he'd failed to notice.  
"Nicky?" Mark tried again.  
He slowly crossed the room and knelt down on the floor in front of his band mate.

Nicky had been lost in his own thoughts. His eyes had stopped focusing some time ago and his arms were slowly numbing from clutching the pillow too hard.  
Eventually, his eyes registered that he was no longer staring at the blank television but rather, he was gazing into Mark's concerned eyes.

"Mark?" Nicky whispered.  
Nicky discarded the pillow and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Mark's neck. The younger boy returned the embrace, sliding his own arms around Nicky's waist.  
"I'm ready to start healing now" Nicky whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Shane pulled his bag from the overhead locker and placed it on the seat. Kian looked at him over his glasses but didn't say anything. When Shane met his eye, Kian quickly went back to reading his book.  
The plane had just landed in London and Shane was anxious to get to the hotel. The 'fasten seat belt' sign was still alight but many passengers were already standing. Shane impatiently began to tap his foot, attempting to send Kian a message.  
The younger boy just kept on reading. He purposely slowly turned the page and continued reading. The 'fasten seat belt' sign had finally been turned off and more passengers were beginning to stand. One of the stewards opened the door and people started to disembark the aircraft.  
Shane, completely loosing patience, grabbed Kian's arm and attempted to pull him to his feet. The blonde's seatbelt was still fastened so he didn't appreciate Shane's persistent tugging.

"Shane!" Kian snapped. "Piss off!"  
Shane opened his mouth to speak but changed his mind, thrown off by Kian's tone.  
"You insisted on an early flight! You dragged me to Sligo airport at six a.m. to fly to Dublin... Six a.m. for a nine a.m. flight! Then we had to wait two hours for a connecting flight to London. You couldn't have just waited until our pre-booked four o'clock flight. NO! You had to press your luck and frankly, it's driving me mental!"  
"Fine!" Shane snapped back.

He released Kian's arm, picked up his own bag and stormed off. The blonde watched him go, feeling bad about snapping at the older boy. He knew Shane was anxious to see Nicky and try to rectify this situation but Kian really was loosing his patience. He had planned on sleeping in, then taking a leisurely drive to Dublin (leaving his car at Nicky's) and a peaceful afternoon flight to London... Arriving in time to decide where to go for dinner.  
Instead, he'd been woken at the crack of dawn by a very pathetic (yet insistent) Shane. He'd taken pity on his friend and done what the older boy had asked, mostly just to shut him up. Kian was really beginning to regret this hasty decision.

Kian sighed then un-fastened his seat belt. He stood up, collected his bag then dropped his book and glasses inside. He wasn't too worried about Shane; he knew the older boy wouldn't leave without him. As he walked down the stairs, he looked across the tarmac but couldn't see Shane.  
Other passengers were hurrying past him to take cover from the rain. He pulled his jacket tighter and quickened his pace. Once inside the terminal, he made his way over to the baggage claim. That was where he found Shane. He walked over and stopped beside him. Neither of them spoke, they just watched as the luggage carousel began to move.

They remained in a stubborn silence while they collected their bags and made their way to the taxi rink. They climbed into a taxi and Shane told the driver which hotel to take them to.

"I'm sorry" Kian told Shane.  
"I am too" Shane confessed. "I didn't mean to be such a prat"  
"I shouldn't have snapped at you"  
"Forget about it..."  
"Are you nervous?"  
"Fuck yeah"

Kian lowered his voice.  
"Do you... Uh... Do you know what you're going to say to him?"  
Shane shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. He glanced down at his watch (the one Nicky had given him for Christmas) and he sighed.  
"I think I need to let him talk first" Shane stated. "Just give him the chance to... You know, get mad and yell at me then turn violent..."  
"I'm sorry... Are we both talking about the same person? Yelling and violence?"  
"I just prefer that scenario... He calls me a bastard and breaks my nose..."  
"Shane-"  
"Cause the other one... The one my mind keeps playing... He tells me he doesn't care anymore because he..." Shane held back a sob. "Because he loves Mark now"  
"Oh, Shane... Even if he is with Mark, he'll still care about you and want to work this out"  
"You're just guessing Ki... But admit it; he's better off with Mark"  
"What?"

Shane lowered his voice, not wanting to driver to hear them.  
"Mark loves him"  
"So do you"  
"Mark'll take better care of him... A lot better than I ever could..."

Kian reached out and put his arm around Shane. The brunette didn't react; his mind was still on the Mark & Nicky scenario. He was preparing for the worst. Why else would Nicky take off and take Mark with him? In Shane's eyes, Nicky had made his decision and he couldn't blame him.  
Shane knew it would be hard; seeing the two of them together all the time. He imagined crying himself to sleep at night while Nicky took to Mark's bed. He thought of the way Nicky used to smile at him and how much it would hurt to see Nicky smile like that at Mark.

"Shane, don't do this to yourself" Kian insisted.  
"I deserve this, Ki" Shane argued. "I did the wrong thing and I deserve to be punished"  
The younger boy decided to quit while he was behind. There was no point trying to talk Shane around now. The brunette had made up his mind and nothing Kian could say would be enough to make him change his mind.

 

They passed the rest of the taxi ride in silence. When they reached the hotel, Kian was almost looking forward to climbing out into the rain. Shane paid the driver while Kian collected their luggage. Once inside the lobby, they headed for the reception desk to check-in. Kian noticed Shane kept looking around, watching each and every person who came and left the lobby.  
"They're probably not here yet" Kian told him.  
Shane nodded but continued looking around.

As they climbed into the lift, Shane felt slightly depressed. It just wasn't the same, traveling 27 floors without holding Nicky's hand. He could admit (to himself) that what had once been a gesture of friendly support, had become so much more to Shane. He now craved any excuse to 'innocently' touch his friend. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about the fact that, from now on, Nicky would be reaching for Mark's hand.  
"Are you okay?" Kian asked.  
"Yeah... Sure" Shane replied, looking down at his hand.

Kian unlocked the door to their suite and they went inside. Upon entering the empty room, Shane finally accepted that Nicky wasn't there yet and he sighed.  
"Well... I'm gonna hit the sack" Kian told him.  
"You're going to be?" Shane asked. "It's only two"  
"Hey, you got me up at six! So I'm gonna have a short nap"  
"Ok... You want me to wake you in an hour or so?"  
"Nah, I'll just set the alarm"  
"Okay"

Shane waited until Kian had gone into his room before he made his way down the hall to the balcony door. The rain was falling quite heavily but Shane reached out and opened the door. Then he stepped out onto the balcony. He remained under the awning and sat down at the table.  
He was here now. It would only be a matter of time before Nicky got here too.  
"What'll he say to me?" Shane wondered. "What do I say to him? What *can* I say to him?"  
He nervously scratched his head before running his hand through his hair. He sighed then buried his face in his hands. His shoulders slumped and he collapsed against the table top.

-*-*-*-*-

Mark awoke to an empty room. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed that Nicky had decided to sleep alone. Returning to the hotel the previous day and having Nicky reach out to him had filled his heart with hope.

\---

He'd not pressed the issue. He'd refrained from asking Nicky the obvious questions. He knew that if the older boy wanted him to know anything, he'd tell him. Not make him ask.  
They'd sat on the couch, holding onto each other for a long time. Eventually, Nicky had left the room to shower... Leaving Mark alone in the living room, imagining what Nicky had gone through.

Nicky had returned (quite some time later) looking totally, in Mark's opinion, completely fuckable. Dressed in tight jeans, that left nothing to the imagination, and a pale blue shirt that contrasted perfectly with his skin-tone and his eyes... He looked like Mark's dream come true.

"Come on" Nicky said to him. "The afternoon's on me"  
"Nicky?" Mark tried to protest.  
"No arguing... Shower, now! I've already picked out your clothes"  
"But-"  
"You've got twenty minutes... Then I'm leaving without you"  
Nicky grinned at the brunette. Mark didn't need to be told twice. He stood up and hurried out of the room. There was no way *he* was going to pass up the opportunity to spend the afternoon with a sexily dressed Nicky.

They had spent the afternoon window-shopping before stopping by a cafe for coffee. After relaxing for a while, Nicky had taken Mark to Manchester Museum. They'd wondered around in fascination. Nicky wasn't much of a museum buff but was putting in the effort for Mark. The younger boy knew (and admired) this, but cut the visit short for Nicky's sake. Once they left the museum, they had gone to a quiet restaurant for dinner.

Mark never once asked about Nicky's morning and the blonde didn't offer him any information, but Mark didn't mind. He assumed it had gone well as Nicky had returned to his usual, vibrant self.

The younger boy tried to refrain from having too good a time but it was difficult. In the back of his mind, he knew he was on a date with Nicky.  
They enjoyed a quiet dinner and afterwards headed to Mark's favorite club. He tried not to think about it too much but he was worried about Nicky's drastic change in behavior.

The doorman recognized them and let them in straight away. The blonde immediately made for the dance floor, pulling Mark along with him. Not that he minded.  
It was still early so the club wasn't overly crowded. Mark tried to keep his distance from Nicky, to resist temptation but the blonde was very persistent.  
But after an hour or so, Nicky's euphoria had worn thin. He'd realized that Mark wasn't having a good time either and they had gone back to their hotel. Mark had been disappointed that their 'date' had ended so depressingly and lay awake in bed, waiting for Nicky to crawl under the covers with him.  
But when the blonde failed to make an appearance, Mark couldn't help but feel he'd lost him.

Mark stifled a yawn and looked at the clock. It was almost eleven a.m. He groaned, remembering that they needed to get to London by the end of the day. He needed to call the airline and book a flight. Mark reluctantly climbed out of his warm, cozy bed and headed for Nicky's room.


	14. Chapter 14

The door was slightly ajar and he could see the older boy. Nicky was dressed only in a towel, water still dripping from his hair and rolling down his chest. He had one hand in his suitcase, searching through his clothes, while the other was clutching his cell phone.  
He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand then tossed the phone down on the bed.

"It's not nice to spy on people, Marky" Nicky called over his shoulder.  
Mark felt himself blushing furiously. He didn't see any point in denying it. He'd been caught but he decided to act like nothing had happened.  
"Was just making sure you were awake" Mark replied, pushing the door open and walking into the room.  
"And you had to stand out in the hall, peering through the door for two minutes before you could be sure?"

Mark felt awful. This was no way to win Nicky over. He looked up at the older boy and was relieved when he saw Nicky grinning at him, with a coy and sexy glint in his eye.   
"Fine" Mark smiled. "You caught me... What are you going to do about it?"  
"Don't get cheeky with me, you peeping Tom"

"So... How are you feeling today?"  
"Changing the subject much?"  
"I was politely asking you a question..."  
"Oh, politely, you say?"  
"Well, yeah! I could have just blurted out 'how's your ass this morning?'"  
"It's okay" Nicky shrugged. "Why? Do you wanna be the first to take it for a test drive?"

Nicky asked so casually that Mark had to remind himself the older boy was joking.  
"Who was on the phone?" Mark purposely avoided answering Nicky's question.  
"I... I wanted to see if Shane had... Uh... Tried to call me..." Nicky confessed.  
"And?"  
"Forty three times"  
"Persistent, isn't he?"  
"Yeah..."  
Nicky tried to hide his smile from Mark but the younger boy was very perceptive.

"You're not mad at him anymore" Mark said. Nicky wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement.  
"I don't think I was ever mad at him" Nicky admitted.  
"He... Ummm... He called my phone a few times..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Twelve, actually"  
"Did you... Uh... Talk to him at all?"  
"No... Did you want me to?"

Nicky stopped and sat down on the bed. He glanced down at his cell phone and sighed.  
"I don't know" the blonde replied. "But I *do know* that... I don't want you to hate him"  
"Nicky-"  
"I mean it, Mark. Please don't turn against him. Don't let this ruin your friendship with him. What happened is between me and him. It's something we now have to sort out together, without your judgment. What Shane did, doesn't really involve you (or Kian for that matter)"  
"Nicky, he hurt you! For the past few days, every time you've said his name... I haven't been able to stop myself from remembering what you were like when you showed up at my house. When you came to me! You involved me in this when you came to me"  
"I didn't know where else to go and I trusted you. But if you love me (like you say you do) then you'll respect my request... And you won't turn against him"  
"Don't turn this around, Nicky"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"What you just said! 'If I love you like I say I do?' You know I love you... But I, I don't know if you love me... Or him"

"If I choose you, he'll be hurt" Nicky almost whispered.  
"I don't give a shit if he gets hurt" Mark argued. "What he did to you is unforgivable. He doesn't deserve you!"

"Why are you doing this?" Nicky asked, looking up at Mark with tear-filled eyes. "Why are you saying these things?"  
"Because I love you!"  
"Mark-"  
"I love you and I want to be with you so much. I've been right here by your side this whole time. I didn't pry when you came back yesterday, I wanted to but I respected you and your privacy. I... I restrained myself while you flaunted yourself in front of me & flirted constantly all night. Nicky, I want you to love me like I love you but right now... You're still thinking about him"

The older boy slowly stood up, holding the towel around his waist, and walked over to Mark. Without a second's hesitation, he kissed him. The younger boy froze in shock. This wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting. But before he could respond, the blonde pulled away.

"Of course I'm thinking about Shane" Nicky stated. "He's my best friend... Has been for years now. And he's the last person I ever expected to hurt me. Even after the thing with Taylor, I was scared to trust anyone but Shane was different. I put my trust in him from day one and for the last eight years, he's done nothing wrong! But now, I have to accept that yes, he raped me... After I willingly went to bed with him. He kissed me and I kissed him back. He took me to his bed and I let him. I haven't been able to trust anyone since I left Taylor but my feelings for Shane were strong. Strong enough for me to let my guard down... I wanted to be with him"  
"And look how far it got you"

Nicky raised his hand to slap Mark but the brunette caught his arm.  
"Let go of me!" Nicky hissed through gritted teeth.  
Mark instantly released his hold on the blonde and they both stood in silence. After several moments, Mark spoke.

"I'm sorry" Mark whispered.  
"Me too" Nicky replied. "This isn't like us. We never fight"  
"I know"  
"Did you... Uh... Did you mean what you said?"  
"Which part?"  
"The... Ummm... The flaunting and the flirting..."  
"A little... But then, it could have just been wishful thinking on my part"  
"Oh"

Mark placed his hand on Nicky's arm.  
"I'm scared he'll hurt you again" Mark admitted.  
"Marky-"  
"I've been completely honest with you, especially these past few days. You know what my... Intentions are for you and me. But I also know that you felt for Shane long before me. I know that this is totally your decision and, not for your sake but mine, I hope it's a hard one. I'd like to believe that you and I could have some kind of future together" Mark held back a sigh and retracted his hand. "What I said before about Shane, was way out of line. But I'm scared that you'll choose him over me and then I'll spend the rest of my life worrying about you and if you can trust him or not"

Nicky reached out to hug Mark but the younger boy pulled away.  
"Please don't" Mark said, holding up his arm to maintain their distance.  
"Mark?" Nicky argued.  
"Every time you touch me, you give me hope"  
"But-"  
"And I don't want to get my hopes up"  
"Marky"  
"I'm going to call the airline and book our flight. Then I'm going to hit the shower. Just make sure you're packed and ready to go in half an hour"

With that, Mark turned on his heel and left the room, closing the door behind him. He managed to make it to his room before the tears began to fall. He leaned against the closed door and buried his face in his hands.  
He knew Nicky was scared too. Scared and confused. But his actions were becoming too much for Mark. The older boy was playing with his head & his heart and it was hurting too much.  
Mark wanted to believe that the way Nicky was acting towards him was genuine but he couldn't guarantee it. Nicky was dangling himself in front of Mark, screaming 'Here I am! I'm vulnerable but need to be loved (and touched)'. Yet every time Mark tried to get close, Nicky would give him hope then pull away.  
He didn't want to complete with Shane for Nicky's love and affection. Not because he was afraid he'd loose, far from it. He was just worried about how it would affect the band. There was already a wedge between Nicky & Shane and Shane & Mark. The last thing Mark wanted was a wedge between himself & Nicky.  
He licked his lips and could still taste Nicky's kiss. Why was Nicky doing this to him? 

****

Nicky stared at the closed door, Mark's words swimming around and around in his head. He hadn't realized how hard he was making this for his friend. He wished none of this had ever happened. He longed to go back and do it all again.  
But the more he thought about it, the more confused he became. Just how much would he change if he could?

Would he go back and stop himself from going to see Shane? Or would he still support his friend but avoid the first kiss? Or would he just change the outcome of their sexual encounter?  
He thought about what Taylor had said to him. 'Don't focus on the past; just think about your future'. Nicky nervously chewed his bottom lip. Could he have a future with one of them? Mark seemed to think so.

Last night had been nice. He'd had a nice time with Mark. The younger boy hadn't pushed him to talk about what had happened with Taylor. He'd respected Nicky's privacy and stood by him. Mark was a nice guy... One Nicky knew he could trust. But he also thought he could trust Shane... And look how that had turned out.

Nicky loved Shane... But he also cared deeply for Mark.  
He loved Shane but he was scared to trust him now. What if he decided to give Shane a second chance and the younger boy hurt him again? That was a risk Nicky wasn't sure he was willing to take.  
He lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling in frustration.

"Why does this have to be so hard?" Nicky asked the empty room.

He couldn't deny that he'd felt *something* when he'd kissed Mark. But he'd felt something for Shane too. What he'd said to Mark was true. He'd willingly taken to Shane's bed. He'd loved Shane enough to give himself to him but then everything had gone wrong. He sighed and climbed off the bed. 

There was nothing he could do right now. He needed to talk to Shane. He had to settle this with the younger boy before he could make a decision. He didn't want to have to choose between his friends. The last thing he wanted to do was tear the group apart but what would happen if chose Shane? Would Mark be able to forgive him?  
And what if he chose Mark? How would Shane react to that news?

Nicky reached for the phone. Without hesitating, he hit speed dial.  
Ring, Ring!  
"Hello?"  
"G, it's me"  
"What's wrong? You sound awful"  
"I'm scared, G"  
"What happened?"  
"I... I tried to move on and it's killing me"  
"How can I help?"  
Nicky held back a sob.  
"You can't. No one can"


	15. Chapter 15

Some time later, Nicky emerged from his room. Now dressed and carrying his bag. He reached the living room and saw Mark sitting on the couch. His suitcase was over by the door. Nicky placed his own suitcase beside Mark's then remained there himself, wondering if he should approach Mark or at least say something to him.  
"Taxi's due in ten minutes" Mark spoke up.  
Nicky nodded then he noticed Mark couldn't see him.  
"Okay" Nicky said.  
"So what took...? Why were..."  
"I was on the phone"  
"Oh"  
"I uh I called G"  
"How is she?"  
"Yeah, she's good... I just needed to talk"  
"About us? I mean all of us... You and me, me and Shane... Shane and you"  
"Yeah"  
"A... Un biased, outsider opinion"  
"Yes"  
"How did it go? If I may ask..."

Nicky wasn't sure how to respond. In truth, he wasn't sure how it'd gone. Gina was still one of his best friends and talking to her had made him feel better but he was still just as confused as before. He was used to people telling him what to do... 'Go here', 'record this', 'learn this dance' but right now he wished someone would come forward and say 'pick Mark' or 'choose Shane'.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked" Mark stood up and walked over to the window.  
The older boy began to follow him but stopped just shy of the doorway.  
"I don't know how it went" Nicky admitted. "It's not like she can make a decision for me and I... Well, I can talk about this till I'm blue in the face but it still won't change what happened"

"Nicky..."  
Mark turned around and looked at Nicky. The blonde cast him a nervous look. There was something about Mark's tone that tugged at Nicky's heart. The younger boy stepped away from the window and moved closer to his band mate.  
"I... I need you to be honest with me" Mark began.  
"I've always been honest with you, Mark" Nicky confessed.  
"After you kissed me earlier, I decided that I need to know..."  
Nicky bit his lip and averted his eyes.  
"Nicky..." Mark's voice softened. "I need you to look me in the eye and tell me, truthfully, if there's any hope for us. Because if you don't feel for me, then stop... Stop teasing me. Just, please, tell me if you could ever love me... The way you loved Shane"

Nicky looked up and saw the tears in Mark's eyes. He slowly approached the brunette. He took a slow, deep breath and stared into the younger boy's eyes.  
"Mark" Nicky whispered. "I..."

Knock, knock, knock!  
Nicky sighed as Mark pulled away from him and went to open the door.  
"Your taxi is here" a hotel worker was standing in the doorway.  
"Thank you, we'll be right down"  
"Is that all your luggage?"  
Mark nodded and stepped aside as the worker entered the room to collect their bags.

The brunette walked back into the Living room.  
"Nicky?" Mark began again.

Ring! Ring!  
Mark almost laughed as Nicky picked up his cell phone and answered it. Mark glared at the phone... With timing like that, Mark assumed it was Shane calling him.  
"Hi mam" Nicky said into the phone. "Yeah, I'm sorry but something came up at the last minute. Tell Gill I'm really sorry. I, uh, the flight was changed and we had to leave for London earlier than I first thought"  
Nicky cast an apologetic smile at Mark. The younger boy pointed to his watch then to the door. Nicky nodded and followed him.

"Mam, I'm just getting in the lift so I might loose you" Nicky said into the phone. "Yeah, I'm fine. Mark's with me... Uh, Shane and Ki are downstairs already. We're just going down to meet them"  
The lift arrived and they stepped in.  
"I have to go... Love to dad... Bye mam" Nicky ended the call.

"Mark, about before..." Nicky began.  
The lift doors opened and a maid stepped inside. After two floors she exited the lift and a young couple entered.  
Nicky looked at Mark who shrugged his shoulders and casually waved his arm, attempting to cast their discussion aside. He was desperate for an answer to his question but knew it was too hard to ask now.

The couple in the lift were holding hands and Mark longed to reach out and take a hold of Nicky's. But the older boy had crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
"Hey" the young woman spoke up. "Westlife, right?"  
Mark nodded while Nicky stared at the floor.  
"That's so cool... I love your newest album"  
"Thanks"  
"Looking forward to your next concert"  
"You have tickets?"  
"Third row..." she smiled at her boyfriend. "Can't wait, can we?"  
"Can barely contain my excitement" the young man rolled his eyes. She raised her other hand and lightly punched him.

The lift reached the Lobby and the doors opened. The couple exited and headed out of the hotel lobby. Mark and Nicky caught each other's eye and the brunette smiled. Nicky laughed.  
"I'll go check us out... Why don't you go wait in the taxi?" Mark said.  
"Okay" Nicky replied.  
Mark watched the blonde leave before walking over to the reception counter.

Less than ten minutes later, Mark was sitting in the taxi beside Nicky. The blonde was twisting his necklace between his thumb and index finger. His head was turned away from Mark and he was gazing intently out the window.  
"Nicky?" Mark asked.  
"Hmmm?" Nicky replied.  
"You alright?"  
"Just thinking"  
"About?"

Nicky turned to look at Mark.  
"What am I going to say to him?" Nicky asked.  
"Him... Oh, Shane..." Mark replied.  
"I thought I was nervous about seeing Taylor again but now... Now that that's taken care of, I'm nervous as anything about seeing Shane"  
"Do you, uh, want to practice?"  
"Practice?"  
"You know, pretend I'm Shane... Say to me what you're thinking of saying to him"  
"I don't know..."  
"That's okay... It'd probably feel a little weird anyway"  
"Just a bit"

"Listen, about earlier" Mark stammered. "What I asked you..."  
"Right" Nicky nodded.  
"I shouldn't have asked. You've got enough to worry about today, seeing Shane and all. Just forget about it... About what I asked"  
"I just need some time"

"You lads off to the Airport?" the taxi driver spoke up.  
"Yeah, that's right" Mark replied.  
"Where you flying to?"  
"London"  
"You been there before?"  
"Go all the time"  
"You like it there?"  
"Sure"

Mark noticed that Nicky had gone back to daydreaming out the window so the brunette continued to make small-talk with their driver. Nicky listened for a few minutes but quickly tuned out.  
In a couple of hours he'd be in the same room as Shane. He had no idea what he was going to say to him or how he would react. Shane was one of his best friends and someone he trusted with his life. He hated the fact that he was now afraid of being in a room, alone, with Shane.  
A single tear trickled from his eye and down his cheek. This wasn't how it was meant to be. His one memory of his encounter with Shane was a bad one. He hated having tainted memories of Shane... Someone he'd loved for many years. The first person he'd allowed himself to fall for since Taylor.

Nicky didn't snap out of his thoughts until he felt Mark's hand on his arm. He turned to look at the younger boy in time to hear the driver say they had arrived at the airport. Both lads climbed out of the taxi and collected their luggage. Mark paid the driver while Nicky headed inside for the check-in counter. A moment later, the brunette caught up to his band member.  
They stood in silence as the line moved. After a brief wait, they had checked their bags, passed security and were heading for their gate. Mark stopped to buy a newspaper and Nicky went to get some coffee.

The blonde picked up two coffee cups and headed to the gate. Mark was sitting in one of the chairs by the gate, reading a newspaper. He'd not had the chance to answer Mark's question but it still weighed heavily on his mind. 'Please, tell me if you could ever love me... The way you loved Shane' Mark had said to him. The brunette had asked if 'There's any hope for us'.  
He had no doubt in his mind or heart that Mark cared for, and loved, him. But the more Nicky thought about it, the more he realized he wouldn't have been able to answer him. He didn't know if he could have a future with Mark. He hadn't had to think about it before. A week ago, if someone had asked him which band member he could see in his future Nicky wouldn't have hesitated to say Shane. But everything was different now. Everything had changed.

Nicky walked back to the gate and sat down beside Mark, handing him his coffee in the process.  
"Thanks" Mark told him.  
"No problem" Nicky replied before taking a sip of coffee.

"Mark?" Nicky began.  
"Yeah Nick?" Mark replied.  
"I just... Wanted to say thank you, for coming with me and being there for me when I needed you"  
"I'm always here for you Nick"  
"I know and I really and truly appreciate it... I know I haven't been very fair to you and for that I'm sorry. But everything is so screwed up for me right now, I don't know which way is up or which way is down"  
"Its okay" Mark reached out and lightly stroked Nicky's knee. "You've got a lot to deal with right now"  
"I really wish I didn't..."  
"I'm sorry things didn't turn out so good with Shane"  
"So am I"  
"So I couldn't help but notice that you kind of zoned out in the car earlier..."

Nicky laughed.  
"Were you, huh, still thinking about what you're going to say to him?" Mark asked.  
"Yeah" Nicky replied.  
"And?"  
"And hopefully it'll go okay"  
"Hopefully"

"Mark?" Nicky began again.  
"Yeah?" Mark said. Nicky leaned forward and hugged his friend.  
"Thank you" he whispered in Mark's ear.

Mark pulled away from Nicky and turned his attention to his coffee. As he raised his cup to his lips, he smiled to himself. No matter how this turned out, Nicky had opened up to him and shared a part of his life with Mark. The two band mates had grown closer over these past few days and nothing would change that now. He could see it in Nicky's eyes; the blonde was starting to bond with him.... They were connecting in a way Mark had longed for so long.

He hated that Nicky had had to suffer at the hands of his best friend. He hated knowing Nicky was hurting and that Mark couldn't magically heal him. But neither of them could deny that there was a bond between them now. One that would be there for years to come.

As they made their way onto the airplane, Mark reached out and took Nicky's hand. The older boy returned Mark's touch, lightly squeezing his hand. But then the blonde pulled away. Mark tried not to act hurt and when he saw the blonde smiling at him, he felt complete.


	16. Chapter 16

Shane was still wallowing on the balcony when Kian awoke from his afternoon nap.  
The blonde had climbed out of bed, picked up his cell phone and found a text from Mark. He'd replied, stating that himself and Shane were at the hotel and would see them soon. Then he'd gone looking for his band mate.  
Kian opened the door and stepped outside onto the balcony. He instantly wrapped his arms around himself to stave off the cold air.  
"Cold much" Kian spoke up. Shane didn't respond.

The younger boy walked over to the table, pulled up a chair and sat down beside the brunette. He was use to Shane zoning out but this time something felt different, wrong even. The sad singer was staring off into the distance. He was holding a pen in one hand and a notebook was open on the table in front of him.  
"Shane?" Kian asked.

A single tear rolled down the brunette's cheek but he didn't make any indication of noticing it. Kian reached out and placed his hand on the notebook then he slid it across the table towards him.  
After glancing at the almost blank page, the younger boy didn't know what to say. He wasn't entirely sure how long Shane had been out here in the cold rain but he decided he needed to get him back inside.  
"Shane?" Kian tried again. This time he snapped his fingers in front of Shane's eyes. This caused the older boy to flinch and become aware of Kian's presence.  
"Ki..." Shane started. "How long have you been sitting there?"  
"Uh... Long enough to read this..."  
Kian held the notebook up to Shane. The brunette's eyes darkened before he averted them.

"It's a rough draft" Shane confessed.  
"I should hope so. ’Dear Nicky, I'm sorry'. You can do better than that Shane"  
"Well... Forgive me for not knowing the best way to put into words 'You're my best friend, I love you and I'm sorry I raped you'"  
"Shane-"  
"Don't Ki! I screwed up. I know I did. I'm just having a hard time putting how sorry I am into words... How can I possibly say goodbye to nine years of friendship?"  
"Say goodbye... What?"  
"I have to let him go. He's not going to want to be around me anymore. I never thought we'd end this way, you know? I always imagined we'd be friends long into our retirement years... Down the local club, playing bingo together"  
"And it still can, Shane. If you love him as much as you say you do... Then you can't give up on him. I won't let you"

****

Mark and Nicky climbed out of the lift and crossed the hall to the door to their room. Mark pulled out the key and went to open the door. But before he slipped the key into the lock, he paused and turned to face Nicky.  
"Are you sure about this?" Mark asked him.  
Nicky sighed then met Mark's eyes with a nervous smile.  
"It has to be done... Better sooner than later" Nicky told him.  
"Maybe we should go for a walk first or... Or grab an early dinner instead?"  
"No thanks. It'll all be okay... It has to be"  
"But are you sure you don't want to-"  
"Mark, I know you're worried about me. It's very sweet and romantic and noble of you but I have to face him eventually. I need to do this. I need to see him and talk to him. Before we have to appear live on national television"  
"You're probably right"

Nicky dropped his bag on the ground and he wrapped his arms around Mark. The younger boy hesitated before returning the embrace. He felt Nicky's lips brush his cheek and he closed his eyes. Within seconds, Nicky had released him and picked up his bag. He was now staring expectantly at the younger boy, waiting patiently for him to open the door.  
With shaky, unsteady hands Mark unlocked the door and turned the handle. He pushed it open then led the way into their suite. It was set out very similar to their room in Manchester with two bathrooms, a kitchen, living room and private balcony. However, this suite had four bedrooms while the Manchester one only had two bedrooms.  
Nicky dropped his bag inside the door and nervously looked around for Kian and Shane.

"Nicky!" Mark scolded him. "Don't just dump your stuff in the hallway. Here" he reached down and picked up the bag. "I'll take it into your room"  
"No" Nicky said, reaching for his bag. "I can do it myself"  
"Forget it, I'm doing it"

The two singers wrestled over Nicky's bag for the entire trek to Nicky's usual room. Once inside, Nicky made one last attempt to snatch his bag from Mark.  
"Give it" Nicky laughed.  
"No, I've got it" Mark replied, smiling.

The blonde pulled as hard as he could. Mark tried to fight back but he stumbled and both lads landed on Nicky's bed. They collapsed in a fit of giggles, both dumbfounded by how childish they were acting.  
Mark stared down at the blonde beneath him and smiled. Nicky's eyes were twinkling and his loft laugh was like music to the younger boys ears. The brunette's eyes flickered across Nicky's lips and he reached up, lightly stroking Nicky's cheek. The older boy's laughter died out as he stared up at Mark. They stared into each other's eyes as Mark leaned closer, his lips preparing to taste Nicky's.  
"Mark, no" Nicky whispered, placing his hand on the brunette's chest. "Please"

The older boy held back a disappointed sigh as he pulled away from his friend. He turned away, unable to look at Nicky. The blonde sat up and stared at Mark's back. The brunette quickly headed for the door. Nicky leapt to his feet and grabbed his arm.  
"Mark, I'm sorry" Nicky told him.  
"No you're not" Mark replied.  
Without a backward glance, Mark walked out the door and closed it behind him.

Nicky groaned in frustration and threw himself down on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, mentally kicking both himself and Mark. He really was sorry he'd had to push the brunette away but he was also annoyed at the younger boy's actions. Had it not been that very morning that Mark had pushed him away? Had stopped him from trying to kiss him?  
The blonde was pulled from his mind-rant by the sound of a phone ringing. He recognized Mark's ring-tone but couldn't figure where it was coming from. He sat up and spotted the ringing phone on the floor. Nicky leaned down, picked it up and answered it.

"Hello?" Nicky greeted the caller.  
"Uh, hi" The voice replied. "Uh, this isn't Mark?"  
"It's Nicky..."  
"Oh, Nicky. Hi! It's Trevor... The Doctor who checked you out? I mean, helped you... Uh, is... Is Mark there?"  
"Yeah, he's in the other room... Dropped his phone by mistake"  
"Oh good"  
"You sound relieved... Were you afraid of me answering Mark's phone?"  
"No, Nicky... I um... I wasn't sure what you were doing and..."

Nicky had been about to stand up but he settled back on the mattress as Trevor spoke.  
"Uh, Trevor... Are you and Mark...? You know?" Nicky asked him.  
"Kind of... Sort of... Maybe... I don't know" Trevor stammered.  
"You like him right?"  
"Yeah"  
"Fucked him?"  
Trevor coughed into the phone, nervously.  
"Well... Yeah. But we haven't really talked about our 'relationship' or anything. We're not exclusive, you know? I mean, if you were interested in him..."  
"Me... interested in Mark?"  
"Aren't you?"

Before Nicky could reply, the door opened and Mark was standing in the doorway.  
"Nicky, did you hear my phone....?" Mark asked.  
He paused and stared at the blonde. Mark couldn't understand why the sight of Nicky talking on his phone [*his* phone] angered him so much. He reached out and snatched the phone from Nicky's hand.

"Hello?" Mark said into the phone. "Trevor!"  
He looked down at Nicky who was still sitting on the bed. Something about the way Nicky was looking at him made him feel very uneasy. Mark shifted nervously under Nicky's gaze and quickly turned away.  
"Yeah, we're in London" Mark said into the phone as he, once again, walked out of Nicky's room.

The older boy watched him go. He hadn't missed the look in Mark's eye when the younger boy had seen him talking on his cell phone. Nicky didn't understand this. They answered each other's phones all the time, it was no big deal. But then he realized Mark was obviously still annoyed that Nicky had stopped their almost kiss.

Nicky stood up and followed Mark. He reached the hall and noticed the door to Mark's room was now closed. He promised himself he'd talk to Mark as soon as the brunette ended his call and he made his way into the Kitchen. Finding nothing of interest there, he moved into the Living room and sat down on the couch. As he glanced around the room, he looked out the window and stared up at the grey sky.

He spotted movement out on the balcony. It was Kian and Shane!  
Nicky's heart skipped a beat as he stared at the brunette. The younger boy looked about as good as Nicky had felt before he'd been to see Taylor. He sighed and nervously chewed his bottom lip. He knew he had to talk to him, confront him and seek closure.  
As he looked at Shane, his eyes filled with tears. He could still feel Shane's lips on his, his arms around his waist and his hands on his body. He'd surrendered to Shane so quickly and had willingly fallen into his bed. Shane was the first person he'd fallen for since Taylor but Nicky didn't want to spend the rest of his life being afraid of his best friend.

The blonde stood up and tripped over the small foot stood. He stumbled to the floor, cursing as he went. He was struggling to his feet when the balcony door opened and Kian entered the room.  
"Nicky?" Kian greeted him. "How long have you been here?"  
"A few minutes" Nicky replied. "Mark's in his room..."  
"Are you okay?"  
Nicky shrugged then nodded. Kian crossed the room and embraced Nicky in a comforting hug.

"I'm gonna go talk to Mark" Kian told him.  
"He's on the phone..." Nicky offered. "I mean, he was"  
"I'll go check"

Kian petted Nicky's arm before turning and leaving the room. Nicky watched him go then maneuvered his way across the room, careful not to trip over anymore furniture. He turned and looked out the window onto the balcony.  
Shane was no longer seated at the table. He was standing but seemed to have frozen mid-step. The brunette had clearly been heading inside but had spotted Nicky. The sight of the older boy had stopped Shane in his tracks.  
Their eyes met and they stared at each other. Shane couldn't read the expression on Nicky's face. The blonde could see the sadness on the younger boy's face.

"Shay" Nicky whispered to himself.

With shaking hands, Shane reached out and opened the balcony door. He stepped inside, welcoming the warmth of the room. He closed the door behind him, hugging his notebook to his chest and twirling his pen between his fingers.

"Hi Nicky" Shane's voice quivered.  
"Hey" Nicky replied nervously.  
This was going to be awkward.


	17. Chapter 17

"Hey" Shane replied.  
"Hi" Nicky said.  
"This is really awkward" they both said in unison.  
They stared at each other, both remembering past times when they had each known what the other was always thinking. This time, however, they were both flying blind. Each unsure as to what the other was going to say or do... Or what they were thinking or feeling. Shane was the first to look away.  
He crossed the room and dropped his notebook and pen on the kitchen counter. Nicky crossed his arms in front of his chest as he watched Shane's every movement. Finally, the younger boy turned and faced him again.

"I'm sorry" Shane said, his voice choked by unshed tears.  
Nicky nodded, unable to speak.  
"I swear I didn't mean to... I don't..." Shane trailed off. "Are you... Uh...."  
"I'm okay, Shane"  
"No... I hurt you... I... I didn't mean to... I never..."

"Mark!"  
Shane turned, looking around for their band mate. The younger boy wasn't there. Shane looked at Nicky, confused by his outburst.  
"Right" Shane tried to read his best friend. "He... Uh... He took care of you?"  
"We kissed" Nicky confessed. "I kissed him"  
"Oh"  
"Yeah"  
"Do you... I mean you and him... Do you love him?"  
"Maybe... I mean... I... I think so... I don't know"  
"I love you" Shane whispered.

Nicky fell silent. He was standing in the same room as Shane. He'd been thinking of this moment for days, wondering how he would feel and what he would say. He'd imagined so many different outcomes, some more realistic than others... Ranging from Shane kissing him passionately and the issue magically resolving itself to Mark pushing Shane over the edge of the balcony. But he hadn't given much thought as to how awkward they'd be around each other.  
Nicky closed his eyes and shook his head. He couldn't understand why the first thing he thought to say to Shane was that he'd kissed Mark.  
Shane stared, nervously, at his band mate. His heart sank when, after he'd said those three precious words, Nicky closed his eyes and shook his head. Shane blinked back his tears and tried to remain composed. He knew he deserved this. He loved Nicky but he'd hurt him.  
No, not just hurt him, he'd raped him...

"If that's what you do to people you love" Nicky began slowly. "I don't want to know how you treat the ones you hate"  
"Nicky" Shane gasped.  
He stared at his friend's face, looked into his deep blue tear-filled eyes. Shane's heart ached; he could see the pain in his blue orbs. Pain that he, himself, had caused.  
"Sorry" Nicky added. "I didn't mean to say that"  
"Yes you did"  
"Shay... Really, it just slipped out of mouth"  
"No, you've been thinking it for awhile... Probably ever since it happened..."  
"Shane"

"I never meant for this to happen" Shane began, his voice low but steady. "I love you... And I, I just wanted to be with you. I was drunk but that's no excuse for what I did. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I swear I'll do whatever you want me to, to gain your friendship and trust back. I know that I screwed up, but please believe me when I say you're the last person on earth that I would ever want to hurt"  
"Shane-"  
"I love you, Nicky. I've loved you for a long time and I never meant for you to find out the way you did"  
Nicky nodded.  
"I know"

He took a nervous step towards the brunette. Shane watched him but didn't make any movement himself. If Nicky wanted to come to him, Shane would wait for him. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Nicky again. The blonde was slow in his approach and after several steps, he paused.

"Were you ever going to tell me...?" Nicky asked.  
"I was afraid" Shane confessed. "You'd only ever been with Gina. After the two of you broke up, you just closed yourself off. And I wanted to get close to you, earn your trust and your love before dropping that bombshell on you. I didn't want to say anything until you were ready to hear it. But when you came to me and were so understanding and compassionate... I couldn't stand being apart from you and I kissed you"  
"And I kissed you back"  
"I didn't... Don't... Know if you're gay. I'd only ever seen you with Gina and... I assumed you were straight. Hell, I assumed *I* was straight until I met-" Shane trailed off.

Nicky took another tentative step towards Shane then paused again.  
"I've always been gay, Shane" Nicky confessed. "I had Gina but I was seeing someone else without her knowing about him. Things ended... Badly... With him and me, so I went back to Gina. She still doesn't know about him"  
"Does she know you're...?"  
"Yes. That's why we broke up. But I... I loved her. Then I went away, to play football and I met someone. I was young and didn't know if he and I would work out. I was afraid of being gay, so I didn't tell her (about him then). So when he and I separated, I went home to her and didn't tell her what I'd done behind her back. But after being with him, I knew I could never be happy with a woman. I was happy enough with her though and... And I guess she was happy with me. I gave her everything she ever wanted, to distract her I suppose. But I couldn't hide it forever. So I told her the truth and we promised to stay friends..."  
"And... What happened to the lad?" Shane asked, curious to know about Nicky's former male lover.

Nicky shrugged his shoulders and avoided Shane's eye. The brunette nervously chewed his lip. He could take the hint that Nicky didn't want to talk about him but Nicky's reaction made Shane more curious. The two singers continued to stare at each other. Well, Shane stared at Nicky while the older boy continued to stare at the floor. The brunette opened his mouth to speak again but wasn't sure what to say, so he closed it.  
When Nicky finally lifted his chin, and met Shane's gaze, the younger boy was saddened to see tears in Nicky's deep blue eyes.

"Nicky" Shane whispered, reaching out to his friend.  
The blonde shook his head and pulled away from Shane.  
"I don't want to talk about him, Shay" Nicky admitted.  
"Ever?" Shane asked. Nicky shook his head once more.  
"Just not now... I... Mark..." Nicky sighed.

The older boy shook his head for a third time then buried his face in his hands. Shane could see his body trembling from his sobs and he reached out again. He slowly stepped closer to Nicky and carefully wrapped his arms around his distressed friend.  
To his surprise, Nicky didn't flinch away. So he stood completely still, holding Nicky gently in his arms.  
"I'm sorry" Shane whispered in Nicky's ear. The blonde nodded, tears still brimming in his eyes.

Neither one of them spotted Mark as he exited his room, followed closely by Kian. They both watched their band mates in shocked silence. Mark opened his mouth, instinct telling him to order Shane away from Nicky, but he felt Kian's hand on his arm and he refrained from speaking. Instead, he watched Nicky closely and noted his body language.  
Mark noticed Shane's arms circling the blonde, his grip tightened and Nicky's body instantly tensed.

"Shane?" Nicky began. "Stop"  
"Nicky" Shane whispered. "Please?"  
"Shane, let me go"

Shane heard Nicky's pleas but he wasn't quick enough. Before he could react and release the blonde, another pair of hands had separated them, pulling Shane away from Nicky. It happened too fast for Shane to process. One minute he was holding Nicky in his arms and the next, Mark was between them... Sheltering the blonde from Shane's touch.  
The brunette stared at his band mates, looking first at Mark (who stubbornly stood in front of Nicky, blocking him from Shane's sight) then at Kian before staring down at his own hands. 

He stared at his hands, which were shaking uncontrollably, in confusion as he tried to comprehend what had just transpired.  
"I'm sorry" Shane said as tears filled his eyes.  
Then he took off, pushed past Kian and raced to his room where he slammed the door shut behind him.

Mark quickly turned to Nicky. The older boy was visibly shaken, confused by what had just happened.  
"Are you okay?" Mark asked, placing his hand on Nicky's arm. The blonde nodded.  
Mark smiled with relief and pulled Nicky to him.  
"It wasn't his fault" Nicky insisted to his friends. "I just freaked out is all"  
"After what he did to you, I'm not surprised"

Kian caught Mark's eye but forced himself not to react to his friend’s harsh words. Nicky was clearly trying to give Shane a fair go and he really didn't need Mark's un-encouraging words. Kian pointed over his shoulder, indicating that he was going after Shane. Mark nodded his understanding.  
He stood in the hall outside Shane's room, hand on the doorknob, ready to go inside. He glanced down the hall and took in the sight of his two band mates. Of Nicky in Mark's embrace. It was a strange scene for the blonde. One that didn't feel quite right to him. Though, looking at his friends, he couldn't say what was wrong with this picture it saddened him when he couldn't think of anything right with it either.


	18. Chapter 18

Kian attempted to brush aside his feelings of unease as he opened the door to Shane's room and stepped inside. The older boy was sitting, cross legged, on his bed. He was staring down at his still shaking hands.  
"Shane?" Kian asked, closing the door behind him.  
The brunette looked up at him with red eyes and shook his head.  
"What's wrong with me, Ki?" Shane asked.  
"Nothing" Kian tried to assure him. "There is nothing wrong with you"  
"There has to be"  
"Shane?"  
"Why do I keep hurting him? I don't mean to but it... It just keeps happening"  
"What? You... You didn't do anything to hurt him then. He's just confused and he panicked"  
"I heard him... He told me to stop... To let go of him and I couldn't. My mind was yelling at me to do as he asked but my hands" Shane glanced back down at them in disgust before quickly folding them across his chest. "He told me to let go and I didn't"  
"Be fair, Shane. Mark didn't exactly give you much time to react before he swooped in and separated the two of you"  
"He did the right thing... Getting Nicky away from me before I could hurt him again"  
"You weren't going to hurt him"  
"You don't know that! He has every reason to hate me and not one to forgive me"  
"He's your best friend, Shane. He... He'll forgive you"

Shane caught the undertone in Kian's voice and looked at him, questioningly. Kian saw Shane looking at him and he shifted uncomfortably. It had been a long time since he and the brunette had been able to read each other so well. In the way best friends could. He hadn't realized Shane would still be able to catch his underlying thoughts.  
"Ki?" Shane asked his voice soft and unsure. "Nicky will forgive me....? If?"  
"If Mark lets him" Kian whispered in defeat.

****

"Mark, don't" Nicky whispered. "Please?"  
"Don't what?" Mark asked, confused.  
"Say stuff like that... About him or what happened"  
"What happened... What happened was he raped you-"  
"Mark!"  
"Nicky, I-"  
"Just don't, okay? Please?"  
Mark sighed.  
"I'm sorry, but you know how I feel about all this"

Nicky slowly pushed away from the younger boy, placing some distance between them. Mark didn't want Nicky to pull away from him but he knew the blonde needed his space right now.  
"I know" Nicky admitted. "I know how you feel but I... I don't know how I feel. And I don't need you... Pushing your opinions on me. I can't have you influencing my decisions. Right now... My relationship with Shane is between me and him... It... It has nothing to do with you"  
It broke Nicky's heart to say those words to Mark but he knew they needed to be said.

"You made it about me when you came to me for help" Mark replied.  
"We've been through this, Mark" Nicky told him. "I was scared... I needed you"  
"But you don't need me now?"  
"I... I'll always need you"  
"I..." Mark sighed again.  
"I'm sorry... It's just that I... I don't want him to hurt you again" Mark continued as he placed his hand on Nicky's arm.  
"Well, neither do I, Mark. Neither do I"

****

"Mark?" Shane sighed. "You know... It's good that he's there for Nicky. Nicky needs someone who'll take care of him, look out for and protect him [from people like me]. He deserves someone who'll treasure him and... And treat him like, like the precious jewel that he is"  
Shane closed his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek.  
Kian climbed onto the bed in front of Shane and placed his hand on his friend's knee.  
"But you could be that someone, Shane" Kian insisted.  
Shane opened his eyes and stared into Kian's. He then placed his own hand on top of the blonde's before sighing again.  
"No, I can't" Shane smiled sadly before shaking his head. "But Mark can... Is"

"Don't try this shit on me, Shane" Kian said, pulling his hand away from Shane's. "Stop pretending to be so fucking noble"  
"Kian"  
"I mean it! I'm not buying this act of yours Shane"  
"What? What act?"  
"This one!" Kian waved his arm at Shane. "The whole thing and what you just said. You claim to love Nicky more than life itself and now you're just going to sit back and hand him over to Mark on a silver platter? I don't think so!"  
"Ki?"  
"It's not going to work on me, Shane" Kian paused, really looking at his friend. "Or are you just trying to get it to work on yourself?"  
"What?"  
"I get it; I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to convince yourself that you can live without him. That you'll be okay with seeing him in Mark's arms. And when we're on tour, him climbing into Mark's bunk..."

Tears were, once again, forming in Shane's eyes but he refused to let them fall or to meet Kian's eye.  
"I love Mark" Kian began. "As much as I love both you and Nicky... But I, I don't like what he's doing"  
"What do you mean?"  
Kian sighed.  
"He's taking advantage!" Kian admitted.  
"Of Nicky?" Shane asked.  
"Of the situation. I could see it in his eyes. A part of him is glad you did... What you did. Because the more Nicky distances himself from you, the closer he gets to Mark... And I think Mark's been waiting a long time for Nicky to notice him"  
"Fucking hell"  
"I'm sorry, Shane. I heard him a minute ago, talking to Nicky... The poor lad is struggling so hard with all this. He's trying to move on; past it all but Mark won't let him"  
"Because if Nicky moves on" Shane said, understanding Kian's point. "He won't need Mark anymore?"   
"Yeah... I, I think so. Well, I think that's what Mark thinks"  
"Poor Nicky"  
"Yeah"  
"What should I do? I mean, how can I possibly fix this?"  
"I don't know"

They both sat in silence, both deep in thought.  
Kian hated speaking ill of one of his friends but he knew that what Mark was doing was wrong. He could understand where the younger boy was coming from and, under different circumstances; he couldn't deny he'd do the same thing. Looking back, Mark's feelings for Nicky were quite obvious. Although he could understand how Nicky and Shane had not noticed them. Mark was good at hiding his feelings and keeping to himself. Nicky's sudden dependency on him was probably too much for him. He'd waited so long for the blonde to notice him and now was his chance to be with him. Kian couldn't blame Mark for not wanting to let him go.

Shane leaned back against the bed head and closed his eyes. His mind filled with an image of Mark standing between him and Nicky. The older boy was shaking but unharmed. Shane looked past Mark to Nicky and the blonde looked at him. He could see the fear and uncertainty in his blue eyes and he just wanted to reach out and comfort him. But Mark beat him to it. The younger boy swooped in and wrapped his arms around Nicky.  
Shane opened his eyes and looked at Kian. He knew this couldn't be easy for the blonde. If they weren't careful, the band could fall apart but Shane promised himself he wouldn't let that happen. It couldn't have been easy for Kian to have to tell Shane what Mark was doing. But Kian was clearly worried about Nicky.

"I think I need to talk to Mark" Shane broke the silence. His statement startling both Kian and himself.  
"Are you sure?" Kian asked.  
"No... But he's trying to protect Nicky and that's what I want to do to. Right now, the only thing that matters to me is Nicky"  
"Shane"  
"I know... I should be thinking of the band and the performance we're doing tomorrow but I can't. Not while Nicky's upset"  
"I understand. Believe me, I understand but the last thing we need is more conflict between the two of you. Okay... So we can't gang up on Mark because that could scare Nicky further. But Mark is still pretty mad at you. As much as he loves the attention Nicky's giving him, he's still furious at the fact that you hurt him. And to be honest, I agree with him on that. I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over it myself but I know how much you love him and that you didn't mean to do it. I know that you know you did the wrong thing and want to make amends for it"  
"Thanks Ki"  
"I think I need to get Nicky away from Mark for a little while"  
"Kian, what's gotten into you?"  
"Nothing, I just think that... If Nicky wants to be with Mark then so be it. It's his choice and we're not going to get in the way of that, okay?" Shane reluctantly nodded. "But Nicky's still confused and vulnerable right now. And he's got Mark in his ear, constantly, about how bad you are and how much you can hurt him. I know Nicky's not stupid and can probably see what Mark is up to but he's scared right now... And he needs reassurance. I should be the one to assure him that you're not a threat to him"  
"Seriously, Ki. When did you turn against Mark?"  
"I haven't. Honest! I just think he needs to back off and let Nicky make up his own mind"  
"If Nicky wants to be with Mark... Then so be it"

"Are you sure, Shane?"  
"What choice do I have? I love him Kian. But if he wants Mark and Mark can make him happy... Then as long as Nicky's happy, I guess I can be happy for him"  
"You'll get through this, Shane. I know you will"  
"Don't worry about me, Ki. Worry about Nicky"

Kian smiled at Shane then climbed off the bed. He walked over to the door and placed his hand on the doorknob.  
"I'll see if Nicky wants to go out for dinner" Kian suggested. "Maybe I can get him to open up to me about you and Mark and what he's feeling"  
"Ki?"  
"Yeah?"  
"If he tells you he's in love with Mark... Don't tell me. I need to hear it from him"  
"Okay"

Kian turned the handle and opened the door. He was about the step into the hall but he closed the door instead.  
"What's wrong?" Shane asked him.  
"Nothing" Kian shot back.  
"Kian?"  
"I just don't know if I should leave you here alone with Mark... What if things turn ugly?"  
"That won't happen. I promise"  
"Okay"  
Kian turned the handle and opened the door; he stepped into the hall and made his way to the Living room. It was empty.

"Hey, Ki?" Shane called.  
Kian turned around and saw Shane standing behind him in the hall.  
"Yeah?" Kian asked.  
"What time are we supposed to be at the studio tomorrow?"  
"Eleven. Why?"  
"No reason"  
Shane looked past Kian into the empty Living room.  
"Where are they?" Shane asked. Kian shrugged.

Then Shane saw movement on the balcony. Nicky and Mark were both outside. Shane watched as Nicky paced around the small area, Mark watching the blonde carefully. After a moment or two, Mark walked over to Nicky and placed his hands on Nicky's upper arms, ceasing his paces.  
In one swift movement, Mark captured Nicky's lips with his own and Shane's heart shattered into a thousand pieces.


	19. Chapter 19

"I'm sorry... It's just that I... I don't want him to hurt you again" Mark continued as he placed his hand on Nicky's arm.  
"Well, neither do I, Mark" Nicky replied. "Neither do I" 

The older boy then brushed Mark's hand aside and turned his back on the brunette. He really didn't mean to turn against his friend or to act so childish but he'd never been more scared or confused in his life.  
"Nicky?" Mark asked.  
The blonde didn't turn around. Instead, he headed for the balcony door. He opened it and stepped outside into the cold air.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and walked over to the ledge. He looked down at the street below and sighed. He didn't understand why this was so hard.  
He had finally faced Shane, had stood in the same room as the younger boy and looked into his eyes. Shane had told him he loved him and was sorry for hurting him. Nicky couldn't help but remember a time when Taylor had said those same words to him.  
Nicky continued to watch the people below him. Some carried shopping bags, others briefcases, tourists carried cameras and maps while a woman pushed a pram along the sidewalk. In that moment, he wanted so badly to be a normal person with a normal life and a normal job. He didn't want to be the piece of meat his best friends were fighting over.

The blonde knew Mark had followed him outside and he was surprisingly thankful. He was grateful that the brunette was keeping back, leaning against the door frame, and just watching him out of concern. Mark was silently telling him 'I'm here for you if you need me'.

"I'm not going to jump" Nicky called to him.  
"I know" Mark replied. "I won't let you"  
Nicky turned around and leaned back against the railing. He looked at Mark but didn't speak again.

There was no doubt in Nicky's mind that Mark cared about him. Maybe even loved him. And by being dependent on him, Nicky was giving him hope. False hope? Nicky wasn't sure. Mark was one of his best friends and he loved him dearly but as much as he loved Shane... Or maybe more so? Nicky really wasn't sure.  
He'd never been more conflicted in his life and he held back a frustrated sigh. He kept having the same internal argument with himself, not to mention the same verbal one with Mark. 

"Why are you doing this, Mark?" Nicky asked him.  
"Doing what?" Mark asked, still maintaining his distance from the blonde.  
"This!... Waiting for me"  
"You know why. Because I'm in love with you"  
"Why?"  
"Nicky?"  
"Why me? You could do so much better. You deserve so much better"  
"That doesn't mean anything to me... You're all I've ever wanted, Nicky. To me, there is no one better out there"  
"What about Trevor?"  
"I already told you how I feel about him"  
"Well tell me again"  
"I care about him. He's a good lad, smart and kind and damn cute. He means a lot to me but not as much as you do"  
"If this hadn't happened... Would you've had a future with him? Could you see yourself marrying him?  
"Could you have seen yourself marrying Shane?"

They both stared at each other, neither one ready to answer the question. Nicky was the first to divert his gaze.  
"I love everything about you, Nicky" Mark continued. "I... I watched you, got to know you. I developed a serious crush... And a part of me feared you'd never return those feelings for me but that didn't stop me falling for you"  
Mark's words were affecting him in a way he didn't want them to. He was beginning to feel self-conscious under Mark's gaze and he shifted uncomfortably before he began to pace around the balcony. Mark followed Nicky's movements with his eyes but didn't say a word.

Nicky tried to keep his back to Mark, almost afraid to look at him. Yet he continued to pace across the small balcony, scared to stand still and face reality. A part of him wanted to stay out here forever with Mark but another part of him wanted to talk to Shane. He knew he needed to explain to the younger boy, tell both him and Kian about Taylor... But he wasn't ready to re-live that again. Not just yet anyway.  
The thought of Taylor and the memory of his encounter with Shane became too much for the blonde and his entire body started trembling.  
Mark noticed the change immediately and, out of concern, he sprang forward. He approached Nicky and placed his hands on the blonde's upper arms. It was enough to make Nicky stop pacing.  
The brunette saw the fear and worry in Nicky's eyes and he was overcome by the need to reassure and comfort him. In a bold attempt to help his band mate, Mark leaned forward and pressed his lips against Nicky's. For the briefest moment, Nicky returned the gesture before panic overtook his body.

"Taylor" Nicky pleaded. "No!"  
He forcefully broke away from the younger boy and, without thinking, slapped him.

'Taylor?' Mark's mind repeated.  
He saw Nicky raise his fist for another swing but Mark was able to block the attack.  
"Nicky" Mark tried to calm the older boy. "Nicky, I'm not Taylor!"   
The blonde's eyes were closed and he was swinging his fists. Several times his hands met with Mark's chest but there was no weight or intent behind them.  
"No, no, no, no" Nicky whispered repeatedly.  
"Nicky" Mark insisted, holding the blonde firmly. "It's just me, it's Mark. You're safe... You're okay"  
Nicky shook his head, scared to open his eyes and believe him.

 

"Mark?" Kian spoke up. "Leave him"  
Mark looked over and saw Kian & Shane standing in the doorway. He could see the worry and confusion on Kian's face and he decided to do as his friend asked. He retracted his hands, separating himself from the distressed blonde.

Finding himself with no physical contact from another person, Nicky opened his eyes. Mark had taken a step back, away from him, and Kian & Shane were both standing by the door. All three of his band mates were staring at him like he was an escaped mental patient... Not that he could blame them. He sure was acting like one.  
He buried his face in his hands and groaned in frustration. He slid his hands up into his hair and shook his head. He blinked his eyes, attempting to clear his head before he walked over to the railing and sat down on the ground, huddled against the wall.

Nicky looked so lost, small and fragile. The three singers were afraid to approach him and none of them wanted to frighten him. They each looked at the other, waiting to see who would react first.  
The trembling blonde looked up at Mark.  
"I'm sorry" Nicky told him. "I didn't mean to..."  
"I know" Mark replied. "It's okay. You're just a little confused right now. And anything you do isn't going to be held against you, okay?"  
Nicky nodded.

"Nicky?" Kian asked as he slowly moved towards his blonde band mate. "What happened?"  
Nicky looked up at him through tear-filled eyes and he shrugged.

"What's wrong with me?"  
After hearing those words, Kian couldn't help but look at Shane. Hearing the same four words Shane had cried only minutes ago almost broke Kian's heart.  
"Like Mark said... You're a little confused right now" Kian told him as he continued his approach. "I guess you're still in shock but you're safe. You're with friends"  
"And your attacker" Mark muttered but his friends didn't hear him.

"I'm sorry" Nicky told his band mates. "I'm sorry I'm so screwed up. I should be able to handle this better"  
"Its okay, Nicky" Kian said, dropping to the ground beside him. He placed his back against the wall and put his arm around Nicky. The older blonde found himself leaning into Kian's touch. He closed his eyes and huddled against his friend.

'He's right' Nicky insisted to himself. 'It's just Mark & Kian and... And Shane. But as long as I'm not alone, I'll be fine. That's Kian's arm around Me. Kian is my friend. He won't hurt me, I can trust him... But I thought I could trust Shane and look how that turned out. And I can't forget Taylor. He did the wrong thing and his life is perfect now. A good job and a loving, understanding partner... Someone who knows what he did to me and still loves him.  
He got his life back on track and where am I? I'm sitting on a balcony in London, scared of my own friends and crying over a lad who hurt me nearly ten years ago. Not to mention, I'm comparing my friends to him'.  
'But with good reason?' Nicky wondered.  
'Taylor claimed he cared about me and he hurt me anyway. And Shane... I waited so long for him and finally gave in to my feelings only to have him abuse me too. He claims to love me but does he or does he just love hurting me?  
And Mark... Dear thoughtful, caring and considerate Mark. His feelings for me are plastered all over his face. His heart is in his hands which he's holding out to me... just waiting for me to see and take it'  
'But you know what'll happen' Nicky shook his head. 'You'll give in and go to him but he'll do the same thing. He'll take the same path as Taylor & Shane. He'll hurt you... Worse than any before him because he knows what you've been through. He'll lure you in with the promise of keeping you safe, he'll make you fall for him and he'll destroy you.  
Don't trust either of them. They're as bad as each other. Shane's already had you once; he'll want it again.... And Mark, Mark won't want to wait forever. He'll take you the first chance he gets'

"No!" Nicky whispered, burying his face in Kian's chest.  
He felt Kian's arms around his body and he forced himself to remain calm. Kian was safe. Kian could be trusted. Kian wouldn't hurt him. Kian was his friend, his straight friend who would keep the scary gays away.

"Nicky?" Kian's voice penetrated his thoughts and he looked up at his friend. "Maybe we should continue this inside?"

Nicky's eyes finally began to focus and he realized it was raining. Both himself and Kian were covered in a fine layer of water. Shane was still in the doorway and Mark had stepped back under the awning but Kian had remained in the rain with him. He'd not disturbed Nicky. He'd waited with him and held him during the light drizzle. He'd waited for Nicky to come round in his own time.

"We're getting wet" Nicky stated.  
"Yes, we are" Kian smiled.  
"Sorry"  
"Do you feel like going inside?"  
Nicky nodded.  
Kian stood up, helped Nicky to his feet and accompanied the blonde inside.  
The four singers had just entered the living room and closed the door behind them when lightening outside illuminated the room.

Both Mark and Shane noticed that Nicky refused to look at either one of them.  
"Nicky?" Kian spoke to him. "Why don't you go have a shower and get out of those wet clothes?"  
Nicky nodded, mutely, and still didn't look at his other band mates. Without a word or a backward glance, he disappeared down the hall.  
For the first time in several days, Mark & Shane exchanged a look. Kian noticed their silent exchange but he felt it was too soon to show relief.

"Mark, Shane" Kian addressed them.  
They both looked at him.  
"You, there" he pointed to Mark and then the couch.  
"And you, there" he pointed to Shane then the armchair.  
Both lads did as Kian asked.

"Neither one of you moves until you can call a truce" Kian told them. "You're both worried about Nicky. I know that. I'm worried about him too. But neither one of you can help him if you're too busy fighting each other"  
"Kian" Mark tried to argue.  
"No. Nicky needs both of you right now. So you both need to grow up. Put your differences aside and do what's best for Nicky"


	20. Chapter 20

The two singers sat in an angry silence. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to speak. Another burst of lightening lit up the room. Their eyes met across the coffee table and they both quickly looked away.  
"I'm not going to stand here all night" Kian told them.  
Shane looked up at him then, stubbornly, crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
"You both need to grow up" Kian continued. "It's bad enough that Nicky's being all erratic... I don't need it from the both of you too"

Still neither of them spoke.  
"This is insane. The two of you are friends! And you're both worried about the same thing. Nicky! Stop fighting each other and be there for him"   
"Kian" Mark spoke up. "Need I remind you that if it wasn't for Shane being such a jerk then Nicky would be fine right now?"  
"I made a mistake, Mark!" Shane told him. "I swear, I never meant to hurt him. If I could take it back, I would"  
"You're just sorry that he doesn't want you anymore"  
"Well, since he just slapped you for kissing him... I guess he doesn't want you very much either"  
"At least I didn't rape him"

Shane leapt to his feet, preparing to launch himself at Mark and, hopefully, maim his smug face. Fortunately, Kian had been standing between them and was able to restrain Shane.  
Mark watched the older boy carefully, preparing to defend himself should Shane break free of Kian's grasp.  
"Shane, stop!" Kian insisted.  
After a moment or two, Shane stopped struggling and he eventually gave in when Kian pushed him back into the arm chair.

"And no... There's more to it" Kian continued. "There has to be. The way Nicky's acting isn't right. Something's off... Not right"  
"Not right?" Mark asked. "His best friend, who he 'loved' and 'trusted', raped him. How else do you expect him to act?"  
"Mark!"  
"No, Ki. I'm worried about him as much as you... Maybe even more. I'm not scared to admit that I love him and want him to be okay. But he's scared and confused... And being around Shane is making it worse"  
"For him or you?" Shane interrupted.  
"What?"  
"Admit it, Mark. You're glad this happened because Nicky's looking to you for help. The longer he & I are apart, the closer you can get to him!"  
"Shut up!"  
"You don't want him to forgive me because then he might just want to be with me. And you don't want that... No, you want him all to yourself"  
"I love him!"  
"So do I, Mark"  
"You don't deserve him"

"HEY!" Kian shouted, interrupting his friends.  
"Mark" Kian looked at the younger boy. "Shane" he looked to the brunette. "The two of you have to stop this. You're acting like spoilt children, fighting over some toy. Mark, Shane did the wrong thing. He knows it, I know it, you do and Nicky does too. He made a mistake and is sorry. We all know he didn't mean to hurt Nicky.  
And Shane, Mark clearly cares about Nicky and is worried about him. It's understandable that he think you capable of hurting him again. I wouldn't have thought it at all possible but it happened once... And, who knows, it could happen again"  
"No!" Shane argued.  
"And Mark, if Nicky wants to talk to Shane or forgive him or... Or if he decides he wants to be with him, you have to let him. I know, it'll be hard but it's not your decision. And that goes for you too Shane. Nicky's gotten closer to Mark lately and if he decides he loves and wants him, you'll have to accept it"

Mark and Shane held each other's eye as Kian spoke. They both knew their blonde band mate was right but neither of them wanted to be the first to admit it. After a moment or two, Mark started nodding his head.  
"You're right" Mark said.  
"Of course I am" Kian smiled.  
"I need a break" Shane spoke up.  
"Shane?" Kian asked.  
"Back off, Ki" Shane told him. He stood up and made to leave the room.  
"Shane!" Kian argued.  
"Leave me alone!"  
Mark and Kian watched him go, a moment later they heard the bedroom door slam shut behind him.

"So... That went well" Kian said to Mark. The brunette rolled his eyes.  
"You're fighting a loosing battle, Ki" Mark told him.  
This time it was Mark who stood up. He left the room and picked up his jacket. He was putting the jacket on when Kian appeared behind him.  
"What are you doing?" Kian asked him.  
"What does it look like?"  
"Don't get narky with me" the blonde didn't like the tone of Mark's voice.  
"I'm going out"  
"You're just going to give up? Walk out the door and leave Nicky to Shane?"  
"No, Nicky wouldn't even look at me after he came inside... He wouldn't look at Shane either. He's not going to want either one of us around. Besides, he's been stuck with me these past few days... He needs some space"  
"Mark-"  
"I'll just be an hour or two. I know you'll look after him [and keep Shane away]"  
"But-"  
"Bye Ki"

Mark opened the door and it slammed shut behind him.  
"So... We'll just try the big group hug later then" Kian said to the empty hall.  
He stared at the closed door for a few minutes before going to look for Shane.

****

Mark checked his watch as he made his way down to the Lobby. He was late. He crossed the Lobby in a hurry and continued out onto the street. Pulling his jacket tighter, he crossed the road and walked around the corner. He hurried down the street and stopped outside a nearby bar. He pushed the door open and went inside.

"I'm sorry" Mark told his friend. "I got held up"  
"That's fine" was the reply. "But I said we didn't have to meet up tonight... You just sounded like you really needed it"  
"I do, Brian. I really do"

****

Kian knocked on the door to Shane's room but didn't wait for a reply. He pushed the door open and went inside. Shane was sitting on the bed, staring off into space.  
"Mark went out" Kian told him.  
"Really?"  
"Yep"  
"Have you been to check on Nicky?"  
"No"  
"Are you going to?"  
"Of course"  
"Now?"  
"I wanted to check on you first... What happened back there, Shane?"  
Shane shrugged.  
"Shane?"  
"Mark could be right. I could hurt him again"  
"You won't"  
"I could"  
"Let me talk to him. Then give him some time before going in there. He's still confused"  
"He's going to be for some time"  
"I know"  
"I don't want him to hate me"  
"Should have thought of that before you-"  
"Kian!"  
"Sorry... That just slipped out"  
"I don't want to talk about this anymore"  
"Good"  
"What?"  
"I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for you. You did the wrong thing and I can't sympathize with you. You're my friend and I'm here for you but if you want me to coddle you, you've got another thing coming. Grow up and pull yourself together!"  
"Kian"  
"I'm not going to get involved in some tug-of-war style game with you and Mark. I'm your friend and I'm his. I hope some day you and he will be friends again. Until then, I'm not taking sides. Right now, I'm going to go and check on Nicky. Yes, Nicky... If anyone needs help or sympathy, it's him!" 

Kian turned his back on Shane and walked out the door. The older boy watched him go but didn't try to stop him. The blonde was right. He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and stop acting like the victim.  
"I made my bed... I have to lie in it" Shane tried not to laugh at how stupid he sounded.  
He decided to take Kian's advice. Once Kian had checked on Nicky, he'd go and talk to him. See if he can't rectify the mess he was in.

****

Brian could tell something was wrong before Mark had even sat down. The older boy had been close to Mark for years and could often tell what mood he was in without even looking at him. He knew his friend had sounded weird on the phone so he was happy the younger boy had still shown up.

"Things not going so well, huh?" Brian asked him. Mark shrugged.  
"You get into a fight with someone?" Mark shrugged again before nodding his head.  
"Who?"  
"Shane"  
"I'm sorry... What did he do?"  
"What?"  
"You don't make a habit of picking fights for no reason. Shane had to have done something..."

Mark cast a quick look around the room but the bar was fairly crowded and he didn't want anyone to over hear their conversation.  
"He did... but uh..." Mark struggled to say.  
"But... You can't tell me?"  
"Not here"  
"Okay, we'll go"  
"Brian!"

The older boy finished his beer in one go then stood up. He placed his hand on Mark's arm and pulled him to his feet. Mark opened his mouth to protest but he didn't feel like staying in a crowded bar. He wanted to be alone to talk to someone and he wanted Brian to be the one he talked to. So without any objection, he let himself to be led out of the bar.

They walked in silence for a few minutes until they reached a nearby park. It was still daylight but only just. The rain had finally let up so they walked through the park. The grass sloshed under their feet but neither of them noticed.

"So... What happened?" Brian asked him.  
"Shane did something stupid" Mark replied.  
"Seriously?"  
"Yes"  
"So, you got into a fight over it?"  
"Yes"  
"What did you fight over?"  
"Who"  
"What?"  
"Not 'what' 'who'"  
"Oh"  
Brian finally understood what Mark was talking about.  
"I'm sorry" Brian told his ex-band mate. "I know how much Nicky means to you"  
"Sometimes it scares me... How well you know me" Brian grinned at him.  
"So... Talk to me, Mark. Tell me exactly what happened... You and Shane got into a fight over Nicky?"  
"Yes"

Brian wasn't even looking at Mark but he knew the younger boy was crying. He stopped walking and turned to face his friend.  
"Oh Mark" Brian said, pulling his friend into a hug.  
Mark returned the embrace, clinging to Brian as though his life depended on it.  
"It's okay" Brian tried to assure him. "I've got you"  
"He raped him, Brian" Mark whispered.

Brian's entire body tensed at Mark's words. He couldn't believe what the younger boy had said. He instantly thought he'd misheard him. He knew Mark wouldn't lie about something as sick and mean as that.  
"Sorry?" Brian asked.  
"Me too" Mark replied.  
"No, I must have heard wrong..."  
"You didn't"  
"Shane? He... Nicky?"  
Mark nodded.

"The... Fucking bastard!!!!" Brian practically shouted.  
He pulled away from Mark and paced about on the spot.  
"Are you sure?" Brian asked a moment later. "I mean, really sure?"  
"Of course! Why would I lie about something like this?"  
"I know... You're right. But I mean... Shane?"  
Mark nodded, tears still in his eyes. Brian recovered quickly and returned to Mark's side, pulling the younger boy into another hug.

"Is Nicky okay?" Brian asked him.  
"I think so" Mark admitted. "He came to me right after. He was scared and confused and he came to me for help"  
"It must have been hard for you... Seeing someone you love in such pain"  
"It was... Oh Brian... I, I think I fell in love with him all over again"

"Please tell me you did something to Shane? Caused him great pain?"  
Mark shook his head.  
"Of course you didn't... You're incapable of hurting anyone"  
"I wanted to, though"  
"So do I... Come on!"

Brian grabbed Mark's arm and led him out of the park.  
"What?" Mark asked. "Where are we going?"  
"To see Shane" Brian told him. "No one hurts one of my friends and gets away with it!"


	21. Chapter 21

Kian knocked on the door to Nicky's room. He waited a few moments until he heard his friend say 'come in'. He opened the door and went inside. Nicky looked relieved to see him.  
"Hey Ki" Nicky greeted him.  
"Hi Nicky" Kian replied. "Feel any better?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"Well, Shane's in his room and Mark went out"  
"Where did he go?"  
"I don't know... Said he wouldn't be long though"  
"Oh"  
"Did you... Need him or something?"  
"No... I mean, I guess I got used to him not being far away"  
"He looked after you, made sure you were okay and everything?"  
"Yeah, he did"  
"So why did you freak out before? Shane & I both saw you hit him"  
"It's complicated"  
"He loves you"  
"I know"  
"Do you love him?"  
"I don't know"  
"Do you love Shane?"  
"I don't know"  
"Do you love me?" Nicky laughed. "I take that as a no?" Again, Nicky laughed.

Kian smiled at the laughing blonde.  
"It's good to see you smile again" Kian told him.  
"It's hard to smile when you've got nothing to smile about"  
"True"  
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Ki"  
"Do what?"  
"Be around them"  
"What?"  
"Mark and Shane... I, I know they're both worried about me. But I can't do it. I can't be around them!"  
"Nicky"

Kian crossed the room and sat down on the bed beside Nicky.  
"Are you sure?" Kian asked him.  
"I don't mean, ever... I just mean for now..." Nicky replied.  
"Like a week or two?"  
Nicky nodded.  
"Are you sure?" Kian asked again.  
"I've been thinking about it since we came inside... I can't just act like nothing happened. I can't do interviews and perform live on TV while pretending two of my best friends aren't fighting over me"  
"So... What do you want to do?"  
"I... I don't know but I... I just can't do it"  
"I'll tell you what... How about I talk to Louis, see if I can't get you some days off? But you need to get through tomorrow. Can you do that?"  
"I guess so"  
"Of course, I'll have to tell Louis what happened..."   
"I know"  
"And you're okay with that?"  
"It's the truth... But, um, you should probably check with Shane & Mark first"  
"Okay"

Kian placed his hand on Nicky's arm and gently petted him.  
"I'm here if you need to talk" Kian told him.  
"I know... Thanks" Nicky replied.  
Kian stood up and headed for the door.  
"Nicky?" Kian asked as he turned back around.  
"Yeah?"  
"There's more to this, isn't there?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"There's something you're not telling me"  
"What?"  
"It's just..." Kian sighed. "The way you've been acting and everything... I mean, I know what happened was bad but something more is troubling you"  
"You're right"  
"I am?"  
"I'll explain everything, I swear. Just not yet"  
"Okay... But tell me, are you okay?"  
"I will be"

Kian observed Nicky for a moment. The older boy was distressed but Kian knew Nicky was telling the truth as Nicky wouldn't intentionally lie to him. The older boy had been through a lot these past few days and Kian didn't want to push him. Nicky had said he'd tell him everything, just not right now.

"I'm going to try and call Louis" Kian told him. "I can't make any promises but I'll see what I can do"  
"Thanks, Ki" Nicky smiled.

****

Brian had a tight grip on Mark's arm as he dragged him out of the park. Mark followed him for a few paces before deciding to fight it. He put his foot down by stopping in his strides. Brian continued walking until he realized Mark had stopped. The older boy turned around to face his friend.

"Mark?" Brian asked, walking back to the younger boy.  
"Don't Brian" Mark told him.  
"Don't what?"  
"Don't do this... Don't cause anymore trouble. Please?"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I could have hurt Shane if I really wanted to, but I didn't"  
"Mark"  
"Brian, please? This doesn't involve you"  
"What?"  
"This doesn't have anything to do with you anymore"  
"They're my friends... And so are you!"

Mark turned away, he walked a few yards to a building with stairs leading to the doorway and he sat down on one of the steps. Brian quickly followed him.  
"When was the last time you talked to Nicky?" Mark asked him.  
The older boy fell silent, deep in thought.  
"A few months, I guess" Brian confessed.  
"So, don't go causing trouble"  
"What?"  
"I shouldn't have told you... I just needed to tell someone! Someone who'd understand"  
"What about Kian?"  
"He's on Shane's side, of course"  
"Are you sure? Kian's fine with what Shane did to Nicky?"  
"He's not 'fine' with it but he's Shane's friend so he's standing by him... He's forgiven him"   
"How's Shane doing?"  
"I don't care"  
"Yeah, you do"

Mark looked at Brian in surprise.  
"Shane's one of your best friends and if it had been anyone else, anyone but Nicky, you'd be worried about him" Brian told him.  
"Would I?"  
"Of course you would" Brian reached out and put his arm around Mark. "You're being biased because it was Nicky he hurt"  
Mark didn't know what to say to that.

"Mark" Brian began. "If you'd been told that Shane had raped someone, would you have believed it?"  
"Ye... I guess not" Mark admitted.  
"I'm assuming Nicky himself told you what happened?"  
"He did... And Nicky doesn't lie and Shane's admitted it too"  
"Okay, I get that. But if it hadn't been Nicky... If it wasn't someone you were totally, completely in love with..."  
"Fine, I see what you're getting at. If I hadn't seen if for myself then I’d be reluctant to believe Shane's guilt"  
"Exactly"  
"But you believed me straight away. All I said was 'Shane raped Nicky' and you were ready to go and break Shane's neck. You believed his guilt immediately"  
"I believed you... I know you'd never lie to me"

"Please don't hurt Shane" Mark pleaded.  
"You don't want me to injure him in any way?" Brian asked.  
"No, I don't"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Positive"  
"Okay but... Only because you asked me not to"  
"Thanks"

"So... You still want to get that beer?" Brian asked him.  
"I don't know" Mark admitted. "I should probably get back to Nicky"  
"I'm sure he's okay... I mean, come on. Ten minutes, one drink"

Mark thought for a moment. He really did want to stay with Brian. He hadn't seen the older boy for a few weeks and he missed spending time with him. Mark was sure Nicky would be fine with Kian so he agreed.  
"One drink" Mark agreed. "But you're buying"

****

Kian hung up the phone and dropped it on the bed. Louis hadn't answered his phone so Kian had left him a message. He left his room and headed to Nicky's. The door was open and he peered inside. Nicky was sitting on the bed; Shane was leaning against the door to the en suite. The blonde was able to leave them be but Shane spotted him and waved him inside.

"I don't mean to interrupt" Kian told them.  
"Its okay, Ki" Shane replied.  
"Did you talk to Louis?" Nicky asked.  
"I called him but didn't get an answer. I left a voicemail for him"  
Nicky nodded.

"Is everything okay in here?" Kian asked, looking from Nicky to Shane and back again.  
"Yeah, we're fine" Nicky replied.  
"Good"

Kian turned to leave but Nicky called out to him.  
"Ki, wait!"  
Kian stopped and turned back to the older boy.  
"I know I said I'd explain everything later but since you're both here, I should probably do it now" Nicky began.  
"Its fine, Nicky. Just... Whenever you're ready" Kian replied.  
"Sooner is probably better than later" Nicky admitted.  
"What about Mark? Shouldn't he be here?" Shane asked.  
"He already knows"  
"Knows what?"  
"Everything"

"Nicky, you're not making much sense" Shane told him. His tone was of confusion but sounded gentle and caring.  
"Before I joined Westlife... When I was in Leeds" Nicky began. "I had a boyfriend"  
"You did?" Shane asked, unable to hide his surprise.  
"I was still dating Gina at the time" Nicky continued, ignoring Shane's comment. "I didn't want to be gay... But I was attracted to him and we had a thing"  
"What kind of thing?" Kian asked.  
"Well, no one knew about us. We kept it a secret. Some of the other lads probably figured it out but they never said anything"  
"So what happened?"

Nicky averted his gaze as he spoke.  
"He liked to get a little rough" Nicky confessed. "Until one night... He raped me"  
Shane gasped; his hand flew to his mouth to cover his shocked expression. He looked at Kian, whose face mirrored his own.  
"Oh God" Shane whispered.  
"Nicky" Kian began. "I had no idea"  
"No one does... I mean, I never told anyone" Nicky said. "Not until Shane..."  
"I'm so sorry Nicky" Shane told him.  
"I ended up telling Mark about him" Nicky added. "He knew there was more to the way I'd been acting. And when the doctor was treating me, I'd accidentally mentioned that I'd been through it before"

"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Kian asked him. Nicky shrugged.  
"I was ashamed" Nicky replied. "Disgusted with myself for letting him hurt me"  
"Did you love him?"  
"Maybe, at the time, I thought I did but no... I guess not"  
"What happened to him?"  
"I had no idea. He... He 'hurt' me and I stayed with him. But, one day, he tried to do it again... So I left him. I packed up and walked out and never went back. I gave up on everything but if I hadn't, then I probably wouldn't have ended up here in Westlife"  
"And? What happened to him?"  
"Well... I never reported it. But after what happened with Shane, I tracked him down and went to see him"  
"You did?"  
"Yes and he's so different now. He was sorry for what he did to me... He's got his life back on track and is in a happy, stable relationship. He's living a perfect life yet he was still sorry for what he did all those years ago"  
"You forgave him?"  
"I guess I did... It was time for me to let go of the past... But I couldn't move on from what happened with Shane until I faced up to what happened back then"

Kian climbed onto the bed beside Nicky and pulled him into a hug. The older boy was shaking yet he wasn't crying. The younger boy was distracted by offering comfort that he didn't notice Shane slip out of the room.

"It must have been hard for you" Kian said to him.  
"Yeah, it was" Nicky replied. "But Mark was there... I mean, not there with him. Mark came with me to Manchester. That's why we met you here instead of in Dublin"  
"You went to Manchester?"  
"That's where he lives"  
"Oh... And Mark went with you?"  
"He wanted to and, I guess, a part of me wanted him there too"  
"And you really forgave him?" Nicky nodded.  
"Does that mean... You'll forgive Shane?" Nicky shrugged.

"I'm sorry Shane" Nicky began. He broke away from Kian and looked to the brunette.  
But Shane wasn't there!  
"Shane?" Nicky called out. The younger boy wasn't in the room.  
"Where did he go?" Nicky asked Kian. The younger blonde shrugged.  
"I should go find him"

Nicky climbed off the bed and went looking for the brunette.


	22. Chapter 22

Their one drink had somehow ended up being three. Mark felt a little better about the situation after talking it through with Brian. He really missed having the older boy around. As close as he was to his band mates, he'd always been closet to Brian. It was nice to get away from the troubles he was having with Shane and catch up with his ex-band mate.  
Brian walked Mark back to his hotel and they said their goodbyes.

"Mark" Brian whispered as he pulled him into a hug. "Take care"  
"I will" Mark replied. "Thanks for meeting me tonight"  
"No problem... Keep me posted on Nicky?"  
"Will do"  
"And... I hope everything works out for you, Mark"  
"So do I"

Mark returned Brian's embrace and they slowly separated.  
"So, I'll see you on TV tomorrow, huh?" Brian asked.  
"Yeah" Mark replied. "I'll call you tomorrow night?"  
"You better"  
"See ya"  
"Bye"

Mark walked into the Lobby and headed for the elevator. He pressed the call button and turned around. Brian was still standing on the street. The older boy waved before turning and walking away. Mark stepped into the elevator and the doors closed behind him.

****

Nicky knocked on the door to Shane's room. It opened at his touch, having not been closed properly. He stepped into the room and leaned back against the door frame. Shane was sitting at the desk in the room, his face buried in his hands. The blonde walked further into the room and sat down on the bed opposite Shane.

"Hey" Nicky greeted him. Shane looked up, wiping tears from his eyes.  
"Hey" Shane returned the greeting.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"  
"Maybe... But I'm asking you"  
"I had no idea, Nicky"  
"Of course you didn't..."  
"You should have told me"  
"Why?"  
"Why? Because we're friends"  
"I didn't want you to know"  
"Because you were ashamed?"  
"It happened so long ago... But I still didn't want you to know"

"I feel awful" Shane told Nicky. "Not just because of what I did to you... But because I... Because... It must have been awful for you. You'd been raped before but you finally trusted me, you gave yourself to me and I hurt you"  
"You didn't mean to... It just happened"  
"But... I hurt you once, I could do it again"  
"Do you really think that?"  
"Honestly? No... But I can't be certain"  
"It's weird but when I was with you... I never once thought of him and what he did. All I wanted was to be with you. But I started to panic and you didn't listen to me. I begged you and you didn't listen"  
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry"

Both lads were crying now.  
"So now you know" Nicky told him. "That whenever I willingly climb into someone's bed, they hurt me"  
"Nicky" Shane protested.  
"No, don't"  
"But-"  
"It took me ten years to trust another man and ten years to forgive the first one to hurt me"  
"Will I have to wait ten years?"  
"I hope not"

****

Mark opened the door to the suite and made his way down the hall. Kian was in the Living room, on the phone. He saw Mark and nodded to him. The brunette sat down on the couch and waited for Kian to hang up. The blonde put the phone down and turned to Mark.

"Room service" Kian told him. Mark nodded. "None of us have eaten yet. Did you?"  
"No" Mark replied.  
"Where did you go?"  
"Went to see a friend"  
"Oh, how is Brian?"  
"How did you-?" Kian smiled at him. "He's fine"  
"You told him, didn't you?"  
"Yeah, he's our friend, Kian"  
"Did he believe you?"  
"Yes"  
"He just willingly believed that Shane would do that?"  
"No, he just trusts me and knows I wouldn't lie... I had to stop him from coming back here and beating the crap out of Shane though"  
"Really?"  
"Yes, Brian was dead set"  
"No, I mean... You actually willingly talked him out of hurting Shane?"  
"Yes"  
"Why?" Mark shrugged. "For Nicky's sake, huh?"  
"What?"  
"You know that, deep down, Nicky still cares for Shane and if anything were to happen to him... Nicky would be upset"  
"I guess... Where is Nicky anyway?"  
"In Shane's room"  
"WHAT?"

Mark jumped to his feet.  
"You left him alone with Shane?" Mark demanded to know why.  
"Nicky is a grown man, he does not need a baby sitter" Kian argued.  
"I trusted you to keep an eye on him"  
"He went in there voluntarily"  
"Kian?"  
"Nicky told us you went to Manchester... He also told us why..."  
"Oh, and was he okay... Talking about it?"  
"Yeah, he was. As good as can be expected, given the circumstances. But Shane left the room, hearing about Nicky's past experience was hard for him" Mark snorted. "So Nicky went to talk to him"  
"How long ago?"  
"Not long... Five minutes maybe?"

Mark turned and walked to Shane's room. The door was slightly open so he stood in the hall, eavesdropping on the conversation.

"It took me ten years to trust another man and ten years to forgive the first one to hurt me" he heard Nicky say to Shane.  
"Will I have to wait ten years?" Shane asked, his voice sounded low and defeated.  
"I hope not"  
"Nicky, I swear... If I had known..."  
"What? If you had known you wouldn't have raped me? But because you didn't know, that made it okay to do it?"  
"No! Nicky I-"  
"Don't touch me!"

Mark pushed the door open and both lads turned to look at him.  
"Mark?" Nicky greeted him, his voice filled with relief.  
"We're talking here" Shane told him.  
"You're done talking" Mark replied.  
Mark held his hand out to Nicky.  
"Come on" Mark told the blonde.

The older boy remained motionless for a moment. He wanted to go to Mark but he wanted to stay with Shane. He couldn't just run away every time something wasn't going his way. But he also couldn't always rely on Mark to come in and rescue him every time he needed rescuing. Yet Mark's timing was perfect... He'd been looking for a way to leave the conversation and this was as good an excuse as any.  
Nicky shook his head.  
"Don't try to help me, Mark" Nicky told him. "And don't try to talk to me, Shane... I don't want to see either one of you right now"  
Nicky then pushed past Mark and stormed down the hall to his room. The door slammed shut behind him.

"Stay away from him" Mark told Shane.  
"He came to me" Shane argued.  
"What did you try to do?"  
"What?"  
"He told you not to touch him! What did you try to do?"  
"If you MUST know... And it seems you must... I was reaching for his hand"  
Mark looked him up and down, not believing Shane's words.  
"I seriously doubt it was his hand you were trying to grab"  
"Get out! And take your perverted thoughts with you!"  
"Struck a nerve, did I?"

Shane crossed the room and slammed the door shut in Mark's face. Then he collapsed on his bed. He had been so close to making progress with Nicky but Mark had come along and ruined it. Why did Mark have to ruin everything?

****

Kian had never been so thankful to see food arrive. He set about placing food on the table before realizing his mistake. There was no way he was going to get Mark; Shane & Nicky in one room together long enough to eat a civilized meal. He loaded up one plate with some food then took it to Nicky's room.  
He knocked on the door and opened it. The blonde was sitting on the floor beside the bed, crying. Kian placed the plate on the table and sat down beside the blonde.

"What happened?" Kian asked Nicky.  
"Why can't they stop?" Nicky replied.  
"Stop what?"  
"I really can't do this anymore!"  
"Nicky-"  
"I don't want to see either one of them... Ever again!!!"  
"I bought you something to eat" Kian told him.  
"I'm not hungry" Nicky sulked.  
"Well, I'm sure you haven't eaten all day. So, please... Try to eat something. I'll call Louis again and see what I can do. I can't make you come to the studio with us tomorrow"  
"I know"  
"If you don't want to... Then I can say you're sick"  
"Really?"  
"Well, it's not a total lie. You don't look one hundred percent..."  
"What will you tell the others?"  
"The truth"  
"Thanks Ki"  
"You're welcome"

Kian stood up and left the room, closing the door behind him. He returned to the Dining room and filled two more plates with food. He delivered both plates to Shane & Mark's rooms respectively before returning to the Dining room to eat alone.

He tried several times during the rest of the night to call Louis but wasn't able to reach him. He knew that meant Louis would be in for a surprise when he turned on the TV the next morning to find only three Westlifer's on the show. But there wasn't anything he could do about it now. He wasn't about to force Nicky into seeing Shane & Mark. He could only pray his other band mates could put their differences aside long enough to record one interview... The last thing they needed was a punch-up on live TV.

Kian tried not to smile at the thought... Wondering who would come out on top. Neither one of his friends were violent men. But he could imagine both of them standing up for what they believe in... And they both believed in their love for Nicky. He thought of how Nicky would react to seeing his two friends in a fist fight over him and the urge to laugh subsided.

It was with a heavy heart that Kian went to bed that night. He was saddened by the knowledge that after dinner, he didn't hear a word out of any of his band mates. Their entire suite was dead quiet. The rooms which were usually filled with laughter and jokes and good-natured fun had become tense and silent. Their once strong friendships were coming apart; and Kian feared what would be worse... If Nicky were to forgive Shane or if he didn't.


	23. Chapter 23

That night, Nicky had a hard time trying to sleep. By the time the clock beside him read 3am, he knew he was fighting a losing battle. He sighed before tossing back the duvet and climbing out of his bed. Despite being dressed in pajamas which covered him practically from head to toe, he picked up a dressing gown and put it on before leaving the room.  
He walked down the hall then stopped. He knocked twice before opening the door. The room was dimly lit by the light of the bedside lamp. The figure in the bed rolled over to look at his late night visitor.

"Nicky?" Shane greeted him.  
"Can I come in?" Nicky asked, shyly.  
"Sure" Shane answered as he sat up in bed.  
Nicky walked into the room and sat down at the far end of the mattress.

"Can't sleep, huh?" Shane asked.  
"Nope. You?"  
Shane shook his head.

"Listen," Nicky began. "I know what I said earlier... About us and what happened. And that I didn't want to see either one of you... But I..." Nicky sighed in frustration. "I want to forgive you. I really do but I don't know if I can..."  
"Nicky, you know me! You know I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you and I would do anything for you... I... I'd die for you"  
"No! Don't... Don't say shit like that! Okay?"  
"But it's the fucking truth"  
"Don't curse at me, Shane"  
"What do you want from me? Tell me what I have to do to make things right between us"  
"Invent a time machine"  
"Nicky..."  
"I don't know, okay? I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to fix this and us. It's not like anyone's ever written a book 'what to do when your best friend rapes you'. You hurt me, Shane... You took from me the one thing I would have gladly given you. And... And how do I know it won't happen again?" 

Shane averted his eyes and whispered in defeat.  
"You don't"  
"I know" Nicky replied softly.  
"I could give you my word but I doubt my word means much to you anymore"  
"I guess... But maybe one day it will"  
"Maybe?"  
"Maybe"

They both fell silent, neither one willing to look at the other. Nicky folded his hands in his lap and stared down at them. He hated feeling so uncomfortable around Shane. A part of him wanted to run from the room but at the same time, he wanted to curl up on the mattress beside him and fall asleep in his arms.

Shane looked up at the blonde but didn't speak. He knew he'd done the wrong thing. He'd hurt his band mate in the worst possible way and he had no idea how to make things right again. He knew he had to show Nicky he could trust him again... He just didn't know how.

"Shane?" Nicky whispered.  
"Hmmm?" Shane replied.  
"I'm sorry I freaked out earlier... When you tried to touch me..."  
"I guess it was too much too soon"  
"Can we try again?"  
"What?"

Nicky timidly held out his hand. He rested it on the mattress between them. Shane watched him closely, reluctant to do as Nicky asked. He didn't want to scare him again.  
"Please?" Nicky whispered.

Shane slowly moved closer across the mattress. He sat about a meter away from the blonde and looked down at his outstretched hand. With equal uncertainty, Shane reached out and placed his hand over Nicky's. The blonde curled his fingers, entwining them with Shane's. Nicky looked up, into Shane's eyes and they stared at each other. The fear and uncertainty were still present in Nicky's eyes and Shane tried to reassure him.

"It's okay" Shane whispered. "You're safe here. I promise" Nicky nodded.  
"That's enough" Nicky replied.

Shane immediately retracted his hand and Nicky smiled at him.  
"Thank you" Nicky said. He stood up and left the room.  
"Nicky?" Shane called after him.  
But Nicky didn't look back.

****

The blonde walked down the hall to Mark's room and opened the door. The room was dark and the younger boy appeared to be fast asleep.  
"Mark?" Nicky whispered. "Marky?"

Nicky entered the room and walked to the head of the bed. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could make out Mark's form in the bed. He dropped to his knees beside the bed then reached out and lightly stroked Mark's cheek. Nicky smiled to himself before leaning down and kissing Mark's forehead.

"Thank you" Nicky whispered.

The older boy quickly stood up and exited the room. He returned to his own room and closed the door behind him. Nicky walked over to the bed and collapsed on top of the mattress.

He loved Shane. He loved Mark.   
But he couldn't stay here with them. He needed to get away. Distance himself from both of them and make a decision about his own future.   
Nicky climbed off the bed and located his suitcase. He sighed and sat down on the bed once more. He knew he should stay. He didn't want to let his friends down but he couldn't bear the thought of a live interview. He couldn't walk into the studio and pretend everything was fine. The thought of being in a room with both Shane & Mark and not being able to tell the truth, scared him half to death.

The confused singer reached over and fixed the alarm clock. He couldn't risk Mark or Shane trying to talk him into staying. He knew Kian understood what he was going through and would stand up for him. But he also knew he wasn't brave enough to stand up for himself. He had to leave. He was good at doing that... Good at running away from the things and people who scare him.

Come morning Shane & Mark would wake up and find him gone. They'd both be worried about him but commitments would keep them from following him. Nicky reached into his bag and retrieved a piece of paper and a pen. He sat down to write a note for Kian.

****

The following morning, Kian awoke to find a piece of paper on the pillow beside him. He immediately knew what it was but he picked it up and read it anyway. He read Nicky's note twice before putting it aside and climbing out of bed. As he showered and dressed, he thought about what he was going to say to Shane, Mark and Louis. He hadn't been able to contact their manager but he didn't want Louis to come down hard on Nicky. Their band mate was in a delicate state right now and the last thing he needed was to be hounded by management.  
When Kian left his room and entered the Kitchen, Mark was already there.

"Morning" Kian greeted him.  
"Morning" Mark replied.  
"You alright?"  
"Yeah, I'm just... Not looking forward to today"  
"It's not going to be easy but it's just one interview"  
"Nicky wouldn't let me in to see him this morning..."  
"Oh?"  
"I think he came to see me last night... I was sleeping and... It had to be him"  
"What did he say?"  
"I don't know... But he kissed me then left"

They both heard a door open then close and they fell silent. A moment later, Shane appeared in the doorway.  
"Hey" Shane greeted them.  
"Morning" Kian replied. Mark didn't say a word.

Shane entered the room and sat down at the table, as far away from Mark as possible.  
"Lads" Kian began. "We need to talk"  
"Shouldn't Nicky be here for this?" Mark asked.  
"Nicky's gone" Kian replied.  
"What?" Mark asked.  
"When?" Shane asked.

"He needs to be left alone" Kian told them. "It's not fair on him... The two of you fighting over him"  
"We're not..." Mark argued.  
"Yes, you are! He was using it to his advantage but he can't keep doing it. He needs time away from both of you. He's confused and needs to get his head around all this"  
"How do you know that?"  
"He told me... And he left me a note"  
"Let me see it"  
   
"Can't do that... Just take my word for it. I called Louis last night but couldn't reach him. We're going to put all this aside and do this interview. The cover story I'm going with is that Nicky has laryngitis. Should be about to buy him a week or two. I'm prepared to tell Louis the truth though"  
Shane and Mark exchanged a look.  
"You want Louis to know the truth?" Shane asked.  
"Nicky said I could tell him... If it was okay with you" Kian replied.  
Shane nodded.

"But this thing..." Kian began. "Between the two of you... It ends right here and right now. Nicky's not here anymore so neither one of you have anything to prove to him. So I want both of you to act your age and start being the mature adults that you supposedly are! I want you both to remember that you're best friends and that if you can't sort this out between you, then we might as well just call it a day now"  
"No" Shane said.  
"Never" Mark replied.  
Shane and Mark exchanged another glance. Kian eyed them suspiciously, unsure which argument they were refusing to accept.

"This isn't the end of Westlife" Mark told Kian.  
"Mark's right" Shane added. "But we're friends first and a band second"  
"Well, for today only... We're a band first" Kian told them.  
"Fine" Mark agreed.  
"Fine" Shane nodded.

"Now, shake hands" Kian told them.  
"No" Mark argued.  
"Now you're pushing your luck" Shane replied.  
"Just do it!"

The look in Kian's eyes told them he wasn't joking. If looks could kill...

Mark reluctantly held his hand out to Shane. The older boy took it and they quickly shook hands, glaring at each other the entire time. Shane was the first to retract his hand. 

"Good" Kian told them, ignoring the death stares they were giving each other. "Now, let's eat some breakfast"


	24. Chapter 24

The drive from Dublin to Sligo had never felt so long. Nicky flicked through the CD's in his car, attempting to find something that could take his mind off what he was about to do. His phone was on the passenger seat, set to silent as he didn't want to be disturbed but he'd not wanted to turn it off either.  
This past month, he'd isolated himself from his friends, his family and his band mates. He was due to return to work in a few days but he'd made his decision this morning and he'd needed to act on it while he still had the courage to do so.  
Without even thinking about it [or calling to make sure he was home first] Nicky had grabbed his car keys. He'd raced outside and almost jumped into his BMW.

Now he was almost there. After weeks of isolation and confusion, he'd made up his mind. He'd also decided he couldn't wait until returning to work to see him. He needed to know now if his love had waited for him... If he still wanted him or had moved on to someone else. Familiar landmarks bought a smile to his face as he realized he was getting closer to his destination.  
He felt bad that he'd chosen to stay away from both Mark & Shane. He knew his friends were worried about him. They had both tried to call him several times but he'd ignored them. After the first two weeks, the calls had stopped. Every few days an email or text message would come which he would read but never reply to.  
He had been sure to stay in touch with Kian. The younger boy had come to see him several times and they talked to each other every other night by phone or IM. He knew Kian would be sure to relay any messages on to his friends... Not that Nicky ever sent any. But, at least, if Mark or Shane were ever that concerned about him, he knew they'd ask Kian if he'd been in touch.  
Mark had come to see him once, so had Shane. But both times he'd pretended not to be home. He'd found a note on his front step after Mark's visit which read 'I hope you're okay, Nicky. Not hearing from you has me worried but you know I'm here for you if you need me'  
Reading Mark's note had made him feel bad about hiding from him but it had been less than a fortnight and Nicky hadn't been ready for any company.  
Those days were behind him now. He'd just needed some time away to collect his thoughts and evaluate his feelings. Deep down, he knew his decision had been made a long time ago. His time away had only been a formality. He needed to present a front to the outside world, one that said he was still trying to cope... Though the more time he spent alone, the more he realized he didn't want to be.

Nicky pulled his car into the drive and stopped the engine. He remained in the car, hands on the wheel, and he stared at the car parked in front of him. His car was here so hopefully he was too. The blonde looked around for signs of other cars, wondering if the brunette already had company. After deciding they were alone, he picked up his phone, undid his seatbelt and climbed out of the car. His entire body shook in anticipation as he approached the house. He stood in front of the door, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. With one shaky hand, he knocked on the door. He took a step back and a deep breath, composing himself.

"Nicky?" He smiled at the blonde through the screen door. He quickly unlocked the door and opened it, surprised to see Nicky on his doorstep.  
The two singers were now standing on the porch... With nothing between them.

"Nicky?" He said again. "It's really good to see you"  
"I... It's good to see you too" Nicky choked.  
   
"How are you?"  
"I'm... Better. I think"  
"You wanna come inside?" Nicky shook his head.  
"Not yet anyway" he replied.  
"Nicky, what's wrong?"  
"Wrong?"  
"I'm not stupid. I know something's up... I mean, what are you doing here?"  
"I... I... Uh"  
"It's been over a month and neither one of us has heard from you. Kian kept us up to date though"  
"Yeah... I asked him to. I'm sorry I pretended I wasn't home [when you came to see me]. I just wasn't ready for company yet"  
"He went to see you too, right?"  
"And I hid from him too"  
"Oh"

They both fell silent. The younger boy watched Nicky closely while the blonde stared at the ground.  
"Nicky, why are you here?" The brunette asked.  
"You don't want me here?" Nicky replied.  
"Of course I do... Please come inside?" Again, Nicky shook his head.

"Fuck this is hard" Nicky groaned, running his hand through his hair.  
"What?" His band mate asked. "Nicky, please talk to me!"  
Nicky looked down at his hands, his phone and keys were still in his left one. He knew he could still make a quick getaway but that would just lead to more questions and awkwardness later. He tucked the keys into his pocket, removing the temptation from his sight.  
He felt a hand on his arm and he recoiled slightly... Still not used to physical contact.  
"I'm sorry" The younger boy said, retracting his hand. Nicky shook his head.  
"No, I'm sorry. I'm not used to... You know... Being touched..."  
"I know... I mean, I should have realized"  
"I shouldn't have come here"  
"What? No! I'm glad you're here"  
"I just... I guess I'm not ready"  
"Ready for what?"  
"I have to go"

Nicky turned and stepped away from the door. He managed to get about three meters away before he stopped. He turned back around and saw the younger boy still standing by the door.

"You're not going to come after me?" Nicky asked him.  
"I don't want to chase after you, Nicky" the brunette replied. "You came here to see me but if you're running away then you're obviously not ready. I don't want to force you to be with me. I love you and I'm willing to wait as long as I have to for you to come to me"  
Nicky stared at him in awe. The younger boy turned his back and walked into the house, leaving the front door open. The blonde remained in the yard, for a moment in shock.   
He was just going to leave him out here?

He stared helplessly at the building in front of him before glancing back at his car. He knew he could climb back into his BMW and drive home, forget this had ever happened. Or he could follow the younger boy inside... 

Which could ultimately be the best or worse decision of his life. His third option, of course, was to remain here in the yard until it got dark (and colder) and see if he came back out for him.

Nicky's feet were practically glued to the ground. He didn't know what to do. He was nervous and wanted to go home but he was anxious and wanted to talk to him. He looked down at the time on his phone and watched a minute pass by. Then another. And another. Before long, he realized more than ten minutes had passed him by.

+-+-+-+

The brunette stood behind the curtain in his bedroom, watching the blonde on the lawn. He kept back, not wanting Nicky to see him watching him. He stared at Nicky's face, seeing the inner turmoil his band mate was experiencing was tearing at his heart. He longed to go outside, wrap his arms around Nicky and bring him inside but he couldn't. He knew he needed to be strong. That this was Nicky's decision to make.  
He was hopeful the older boy would make his way inside but a part of him was bracing for the possibility that Nicky would get in his car and leave.  
"Come on, Nicky" He whispered. "You can do this"

+-+-+-+

Another five minutes passed and Nicky still remained on the front lawn. He was no closer to the door nor to his car. He tried to view this as a good sign. Although he was no closer to his band mate, he wasn't any closer to leaving either. It was quite obvious that his desire to leave wasn't any greater than his to stay or he'd be gone by now.  
He looked up at the house and noticed the curtain moving upstairs. He held back a smile. The brunette was watching him... He was curious what Nicky was going to do.  
Nicky continued to hold back his smile. The brunette hadn't turned his back on him. He was just giving him some time and his space... but he was also waiting for Nicky to come to him.

Nicky's legs stopped feeling like dead weights and, before he even realized he was moving, he found himself back on the front porch. The open front door was waiting to invite him in. Nicky knew he only needed to step inside and his life would be different.  
He stared at the door frame, realizing he'd never once stopped at looked at it before. He'd never needed to. He would just walk up, knock on the door and go inside. He'd never even thought about it before but right now it was the most important thing in the world to him.  
It was a milestone just waiting to be crossed.

+-+-+-+

The younger boy had accidentally knocked the curtain, causing it to move. He'd immediately jumped back; hopeful Nicky hadn't spotted the movement. He waited until the count of ten before sneaking a look into the yard.  
But Nicky was gone!  
He pulled the curtain back and frantically scanned the yard with his eyes. The blonde was no where in sight. He dared to look at the parked BMW. Not only was it still there but it was still empty. The older boy had to have made his way towards the house.

He turned around and strained his ears, listening for the blonde. He heard nothing so he headed for the door. He walked down the hall, stopping to pick up a book which had fallen off the table. He continued down the hall and approached the stairs. He still couldn't hear his band mate.

The brunette descended the staircase but stopped half-way before sitting down. He didn't want to go looking for Nicky but he didn't want the blonde to have to search the entire house for him. Yet he also knew how long it had taken Nicky to *approach* the house and he realized it could take Nicky twice as long to walk *through* it. Trying not to be too impatient, Shane looked down at the book in his hand and opened it.

+-+-+-+

Nicky reached out and placed his hand on the door frame. He knew he was being stupid and he feared the younger boy was right.  
'You came here to see me but if you're running away then you're obviously not ready'. His words echoed in Nicky's mind.  
'Am I not ready to be happy?' Nicky asked himself. He retracted his hand and took a step back.

The entire drive from Dublin to Sligo had been a long daydream. One which had featured Nicky climbing out of his car, falling into the younger boys arms and kissing him like there was no tomorrow... But that hadn't happened.  
'But it still could' Nicky insisted.  
'You came here for that reason!' Nicky's mind shouted at him.  
Nicky took another deep breath and stepped towards the house. One moment, he was outside and the next, the next step... He was inside!  
He stood in the hall, surprised by his own courage and determination. He tucked his phone into his pocket and stood still, trying to sense where the younger boy was. He knew he wouldn't still be upstairs after being spotted spying from the window.

Nicky held his head up high and made his way into the Kitchen. He was greeted by an empty room. He couldn't believe he'd guessed wrong. So he headed for the living room but it too was empty.  
"What the-?" Nicky began.  
He turned and headed for the back of the house, towards the staircase.

Nicky stood at the base of the staircase and looked up.  
Sitting mid-way up on the stairs was his brunette band mate. He was reading a book.

"You thought it would take me that long?" Nicky called up to him.  
The younger boy looked up from the text on the page, none of which had seeped into his brain, and he smiled at Nicky.  
"I'd hoped not" he admitted.  
Nicky climbed the stairs and sat down a few steps below him. The brunette closed his book and dropped it on the steps beside him. He stared into Nicky's eyes and Nicky stared right back. He didn't say a word. He simply offered his hand to the blonde. The older boy reached out and placed his hand in his.

A nervous shiver passed down Nicky's spine. He looked at the smiling face above him and his heart beat just a little bit faster. His entire body tingled with a nervous excitement and he subtly licked his lips.

They both sat completely still. Nicky was nervous at the thought of making a move and the brunette was afraid of moving too fast for the blonde. Finally, the younger boy raised his other hand and tenderly stroked Nicky's cheek. The older boy closed his eyes, reveling in the gentle touch. He felt fingers brush his skin before sliding down to cup his chin. The touch urged his chin up so he opened his eyes and looked into the mesmerizing orbs of his band mate.  
"I love you"

The words slipped out of his mouth without him even realizing. The brunette smiled down at him and Nicky didn't regret saying them.  
"I love you too"  
Nicky's heart raced and he moved closer, knowing he needed to be the one to initiate the much anticipated kiss.   
The moment their lips met, the entire world froze. Suddenly, there was nothing around them. Nothing to disturb or come between them. They were the only two people in existence. Nicky felt the younger boy's arms encircle him but he no longer felt the urge to run. Instead, he felt safe, protected and loved.  
He resisted the urge to laugh at the irony of feeling that way... Given the uncertainty he'd once felt in these arms. He was the first the break the kiss.

The brunette watched him closely, obviously expecting some kind of negative reaction from the blonde. But Nicky's face broke into an excited grin and he climbed further up the stairs, wanting (needing) to be closer to the younger boy.  
He tightened his grip, covering the space between them by pulling Nicky into his lap. Nicky's lips found his once more and they exchanged several long, tender kisses.  
After what felt like an eternity, Nicky pulled away again then rested his head on his love's shoulder. Shane kept his arms around him, never wanting to let him go.

"Things'll be different from now on, Nicky" he whispered in the blonde's ear. "I promise"  
"I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't believe that" Nicky replied.  
"I love you" he leaned down and softly kissed the top of Nicky's head.

"I... I have to tell him" Nicky stated. "Before we go back to work, he needs to know... About us"  
"Tomorrow" Shane suggested. "You've had a rough day today. You fought hard and must be exhausted. And you really should decide exactly what you're going to say before going to see him"  
"I was nervous about seeing you though... There's a difference between having your own heart broken and being the one who does the breaking"  
"You... You thought I'd reject you?"  
"I... I thought you mightn't have waited for me"

Nicky felt another kiss brush his crown and he smiled.  
"Of course I waited for you"  
"I'm sorry I doubted you"  
"Don't be... Never apologize to me for your flaws. They're just more things about you for me to love"

Nicky smiled again then he reached out and took hold of Shane’s hand. He placed their entwined hands between them then looked into the younger boy's eyes.  
"These stairs are uncomfortable" the brunette said. "Do you want to go upstairs?"  
"No!"  
"Well, do you want to go downstairs?"  
"No"  
"Then... Tell me what you want me to do..."  
"I just want you to hold me. Can't we stay here, just for a few minutes?"  
"Of course we can"

He kissed Nicky's lips one last time before settling down on the uncomfortable stairs. He smiled at the realization that Nicky was here with him, content in his arms. He knew he didn't deserve Nicky but the blonde had confessed to loving him. If Nicky loved him even half as much as he loved the blonde, then he was indeed a lucky man. He'd made mistakes and had done wrong but now that he had Nicky's love, he'd promised things would be different and planned to keep that promise.  
Nicky was the most important thing in the world to him and he would do everything in his power to protect him.

"Nicky?" he spoke up.  
"Yeah?"  
"I'm sorry"  
"I know..." Nicky sat up and kissed the brunette one more time. "I didn't want that to be the end for us..."  
"Me neither"  
"But this... Right here... Is the beginning for you and me"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Positive"  
They shared a loving smile before sealing their relationship with a deep, loving kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Original publication date (on my now defunct 'All Things Shnicky' site): 26th June 2006


End file.
